20101227.017 A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR . . .

20101227.017 A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR . . .

Hello everyone. Here it is December 27th. I had planned on putting up a BLOG on December 24th. It didn’t happen. I also planned on putting up a BLOG on December 25th. That didn’t happen either. A day later, two days late, and I am always a dollar short, hence the title to this BLOG. So now, I am aiming at putting up a compilation of sorts about lessons that I have learned this year. So let’s see how far this goes! If you end up reading it, then I have succeeded and actually got something posted.

I shall try to go through the year starting in January. Let’s see how well I do.

Lesson 1: “NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MAY PLAN, WHAT HAPPENS WILL ALWAYS INCLUDE UNPLANNED ITEMS” At the beginning of the year I had lots of plans. I was going to get health (again!) I was going to get organized (again!) In fact, you could probably put all sorts of items after “I WAS GOING TO . . .” and then add the word “AGAIN” to it because I had all sorts of plans for that - whatever it was. And no matter how much I planned, other things cropped up and got in the way. So, the logical assumption would be to not plan anything. However, the fact remains that we all need to plan something. Therefore, it requires the right amount of pallning to get through it all and survive!

Lesson 2: “EVEN IF YOU LOVE BIRTHDAYS, THERE IS A DOWN SIDE TO GETTING OLDER” I am 46 years old. And I am realizing more and more just how old and decrepit I am getting. It sucks! Unfortunately, in considering “LESSON 1," this is one of those things that cannot be planned and so you’ve just got to “roll with the punches.”

Lesson 3: “WHEN YOU CHANGE, GROW, MATURE, THERE IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT” I am amazed how I have grown this year in ideas, thoughts and understanding. But I am also amazed at those people who I thought I could consider friends, ended up getting upset with my change. In fact, my daughter noted something interesting to me. She said, “Why have you gotten so serious all of a sudden?” When I questioned her further on that statement, I realized that it was because I had become more vocal against some things that have always upset me. So, even though, it wasn’t an area of change, it was how I portrayed myself in dealing with that issue.

Lesson 4: (Corollary to LESSON 3), “NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MAY TRY NOT TO TAKE THINGS PERSONAL, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ONE STRAW THAT BREAKS THE CAMEL’S BACK AND YOU WILL TAKE IT PERSONAL.” This past year, when I took a stand on an issue, I was admonished “Not to center everything in my bed room.” The point was that I was “making everything into a GAY issue” Well, The end result was that It was a gay issue, and since I am gay, you better believe me that I took it personally. Especially since for so long I have been hiding in the closet, this year I finally decided to step out of that closet and take a stand. And if someone is attacking others in the gay community, you bet your bloomers that it becomes personal for me!

Lesson 5: (Corollary to LESSON 3 & LESSON 4): IF THERE IS A POSSIBILITY THAT SOMEONE WILL MISUNDERSTAND YOU, IT MOVES FROM BEING A POSSIBILITY TO A CERTAINTY! On the same note of “not centering everything in my bed room.” I am amazed how some people really don’t understand what it means to be gay. Just like “being straight” is a whole lot more than having sex with someone of the opposite gender, being “gay” is a whole lot more as well. Being gay is about how you feel, how you see the world, how you live out your life experiences, how you process information. I realize in our world we are always trying to find commonalities with others, but just like women think and act and feel differently then men, gays thinks, act, and feel differently than straights. The sooner we accept this, the sooner we will be able to allow the world to be a more rich diverse place.

Lesson 6: NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MAY PLEAD WITH GOD, GOD WILL BE GOD AND DO WHATEVER GOD WANTS TO DO IN SPITE OF YOUR PLEADINGS. During this year I have been pleading and begging God to speak to me! Now, I will be the first to admit that God can speak to us in various ways. But I am looking for something specific. It has happened once before and I have been asking God to respond ins some similar form again. God hasn’t done that, In fact, God hasn’t really done anything. And that is what is so very frustrating. Some of my friends have responded that I am still too angry at God and so I can’t hear God. But, if God is the great and powerful God that I believe in, then God can MAKE me listen. And that hasn’t happened as well. So I am at a loss. I will continue to beg and plead. And if nothing happens, then nothing happens. And God will continue to be God!

Lesson 7: WHEN YOU NAME AN “ISM” FOR WHAT IT IS, IT WILL GO INTO HIDING. As I mentioned earlier, I came out this year as a gay man. I had slowly been coming out but this time I came out to the church I was serving and also resigned. The few people who didn’t know that I was gay went to the Secretary and said, “So David is Gay, so what! He didn’t need to resign!” When in point of fact, I did need to resign! I needed to resign not JUST because I am gay, but that is a major point of it. Those few people had been chipping away at my confidence and I finally stood up for myself and said enough is enough. And their response proves to me that they didn’t want GENDERISM AND SEXISM to be brought out in the open. This is true of all other ISMs. Whether it be ageism, classism, racism, whatever, if you call it out, it will hide its ugly head and claim that it wasn’t really the reason for the anger, hatred, attacking, condemnation.

Lesson 8: WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, YOU HAVE TO TRAVEL THAT JOURNEY ALONE. I have been very lucky in that my parents, my family, and many of my friends have all been very supportive of me living an honest open life as a gay man. But, ultimately, when I made the decision to come out of the closet and be honest about who I am and how I feel about the world around me, that decision had to be mine and only mine to make. Even more reason why it is so very important to be careful when it comes to OUTING another person - an issue that is always difficult for those of us in the GLBTQI community even AFTER we have come out.

Lesson 9: NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU MAY WORK ON SOMETHING, SOMEONE ELSE WILL FIND IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. This lesson is partly connected to me resigning from ministry. At the church I was working as hard as I could, trying to get everything done, and it never was enough. I do the same thing here at home, and I never seem to make things work good enough for everyone around me. This lesson plagues me and does make life quite disconcerting. What is so mind boggling is that I am a very smart person and very capable of doing all sorts of things, but when ever I try to accomplish something I am a failure. This is not me having a pity party, this is me simply stating the results of everything around me. Mind you, knowing the lesson doesn’t mean I have learned the proper answer to it. I still don’t know what to do about this!

Lesson 10: NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, TOMORROW IS YET ANOTHER DAY. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory and it really isn’t a lesson that I have just learned. Rather it is a lesson that keeps coming to light. There are days that just seem horrible and one might want to crawl under a rock and die. However, the end result is that no matter what, I will go to bed and wake up the next morning. When I die, I will die, but it isn’t that time yet, so I will simple sleep and then wake up and trying working at the tasks at hand.

Mind you, these aren’t the only lessons that I have experienced this year. But they are the one s that come to mind. Hopefully, I will have3 learned from them and I will be able to put them to use in the days and years yet to come. Until then, I think I will go take a nap. Blessings all!

20101027.016 ACT OF DESPERATION, ACT OF VIOLENCE

20101027.016 ACT OF DESPERATION, ACT OF VIOLENCE

The date was July 12, 2008. I had got off work the night before and went to my parents to talk to them and cry. It had been a rough day at work, but it was more than that. It was far more than that. I had felt attacked at work. I had felt attacked by the people at the church. I had felt attacked by everyone and everything. And all I could do was cry. And that is what I did. When I asked my questions of mom and dad and got no response, I calmed down and realized that a good night’s sleep would do me some good. Besides, I had to be to work at 11 in the morning and so I headed home to sleep. I got up in the morning feel pretty much the same - everyone was out to get me and I had no way of striking back. I called a friend and headed to the church to talk to her before I headed to work. When I got there, I simply broke down and wept. And I couldn’t stop. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to do something to take away the pain. I wanted to come out of the closet at the church. I wanted to tell all those people who were attacking me in one way or another just how evil they were and what they were doing to me. My friend realized how low I was and knew that I probably couldn’t be trusted to drive myself to work. So she took me to my mom & dad’s house and we called my doctor. A long story short - I was then admitted to the emergency room at St. Joseph hospital and then taken to Good Shepherd because of fear that I was going to harm myself in some way.

That was my experience with a suicide attempt. True, I never actually attempted it, but I was getting very close. The reason I bring all of this up and rehash it, is because I recently went to visit a friend at Good Shepherd. They also had threatened suicide and family members did the best they could do, which was to have my friend admitted to Good Shepherd. But, after visiting with her, I came to understand something about the human psyche that pushes someone to the point of either threatening suicide or committing suicide. And that is what I want to share with you in this BLOG.

Recently, Dan Savage and his campaign to stop teen suicide has received a lot of attention. The “IT GETS BETTER PROJECT” has been receiving tons and tons of videos of people telling those who might feel the need to self terminate, to, instead, stick around longer, because it gets better. And, although I don’t feel like my life is in a very good place, I still am running on the hope that it will, in fact, get better. It is a great campaign and I would encourage who ever is reading this to go to YOUTUBE and search on “IT GETS BETTER” and watch many of the videos because they are done by some wonderful caring people who have been there, who have threaten or attempted suicide, and who had lived past the blackest part of their lives to find the brightest of rainbows on the other side of that darkness. [ Actually, I will give the link at the end of this BLOG] I have watch many of the videos and the care and compassion of the people making those videos is heart warming and wonderful. And, as much as I want to make a video for the project, I’m not sure I can say with any certainty that it get’s better, . . . yet! I believe it will eventually, but I am not there yet. Besides, I have come to realize what it is that drove me to my point of wanting to self terminate as well as what drove my friend to that point. And that is what this BLOG is really about.

It is true that when you are condemned and demeaned, ridiculed and attacked in verbal or physical ways, you get to a point of desperation where you want it to end. I know being part of the GLBTQIA community is very difficult and the attacks seem endless. In fact, before I sat down to write this BLOG I received a message from someone who saw one of my comments on one of the IT GETS BETTER VIDEOS. Their message to me was, “you're not a Christian, you're a faggot!” It use to be that I would have been really hurt by such a statement, but I have been able to move past it. But the point I am trying to make is that when you hit rock bottom and you feel like more rocks are being dumped on you, you reach that point of desperation and you want to take the pain away. But, you may also want to strike out as I wanted to and that is yet another facet of suicide. You see, suicide isn’t just an act of taking away the pain. It also carries with it the hope of giving pain, of making those who have hurt you, to hurt just as much if not more. It may not seem logical, but that is what I realized after visiting my friend. Suicide is an act of desperation and an act of violence.

By the way, my friend is not part of the GLBTQIA community, which goes to show this pain shows no partiality to ethnicity, sexual identity, social class, or any of the other myriad ways that we catagorize and segregate ourselves. Because my friend was hurt by someone whom they loved, they responded with a threat to kill themselves, and the person whom they wanted to hurt said, “go ahead, at least I wouldn’t have to deal with you anymore.” Yes, that is the kind of evil we are faced with in this world, where someone threatens a last act of desperation and they are greeted with “go ahead”. That is just plain evil.

So how should we respond? Well, the first point to note is that what the people of the IT GETS BETTER PROJECT are doing is on target. We need to explain to those who would try this act of desperation that they are wanted, needed, beautiful creations of the CREATOR GOD. The second point to note is that those who would bully, those who would condemn and demean, those who would be so evil as to encourage such an act of violence as suicide will get their recompense in the end. They will have to answer for their evilness and they will have to come face to face with their own evil acts of karma, which may come back to bite them in their butt. The third point is to tell those who are so desperate that they have so many other options available to them to get even. Taking one’s life will not cause the bullies the pain that we all want them to feel. But making our own life better will heap mountains of burning coals on their very souls! Is that rather vindictive of me? Yes! But I am human just like anyone else, and I have been hurt just like so many who have walked this way before me. And I, too, want those who have hurt me to be hurt in return. But, that is not my job. My job is only to better myself so that others may look and realize just how wrong they were!

For those who want more information on the IT GETS BETTER PROJECT you may click here:

http://www.itgetsbetterproject.com/

or here to watch the many videos:

http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject

and for those who are needing someone to talk to, you may call the TREVOR PROJECT. Their number may be found at the end of the IT GETS BETTER VIDEOS or on the IT GETS BETTER PROJECT web site above.

Blessings to all of you and in all that you may do. - David L.

20101002.015 GUILTY AS CHARGED!

20101002.015 GUILTY AS CHARGED!

Well, it looks like it has been over a month since I wrote a BLOG. And for that, I am truly sorry. It also seems that a topic or subject comes rising up from the depths of nowhere and triggers this urge within me to write something. That is why I am writing this BLOG for you right now. For those who have been living in a vacuum, there have been a large number of teen suicides as of late. And the ones that have crossed our airwaves have been of gay teens. Tonight, I was watching the evening news with my mom & dad. And the story about the gay college student from Rutgers came on. I listened about how there is some question whether it was a gay hate crime or not. “After all, the victim’s roommate has several gay friends” the news caster reported. At that point, I had to put in my two cents. You see, it doesn’t matter if the person who is doing the teasing or taunting is gay or has gay friends. What matters is how the victim perceives the teasing and taunting within themselves. You see, I have been there, and in fact, still struggle with my own personal battle scars. I have never actually attempted suicide, but I have thought about it a lot! It was because I was THINKING about suicide that I was hospitalized two years ago. But, my battle scars run much deeper than that, as do most who have struggled with being different.

I have explained this in past BLOGS but will explain it here, again. Every time you hear someone give a disparaging remark, every time you see someone show anger at you for being different, every time you get shoved into a locker or get hit for being gay, you are psychologically cut. And those cuts turn into gashes, and those gashes become those voices inside your head that tell you, you are worthless, you are horrible, you are evil for being the way you are. And when someone pushes you too far, even if they did it out of “fun”, your mind, your psyche, tells you, you need to end it all right there. It is called internalized homophobia and I have been there. In fact, I still struggle with it. I am not so well adjusted that I am able to simply brush off the comments and attitudes of others around me. I did not know Tyler Clementi, but I think I understand at least a little of what he thought and what he felt. The feeling of fear and red if others knew my dirty little sex secrets, the yearning to be “normal” what ever that may be, the drive to keep my life “under the covers” so no one else knows what is really happening in my life, all of these lead to the fear of being gay. I can only imagine the hatred that Tyler must have had for himself when he learned that his roommate had aired his “dirty laundry” to the internet! Is it any wonder why he would kill himself? Now, do you understand why it isn’t about the person committing the crime, but rather it is about the person who is the victim of the crime?

And here is where my title comes into play. You see, we all are guilty of adding to the internalized homophobia of Tyler and everyone else who has been demeaned for being who they are. We are all guilty of laughing at or tell gay jokes and perpetrating gay punch lines. We are all guilty of fostering a society and culture of hatred when we refuse to speak up against someone who uses the phrase, or we, ourselves, use “that’s so gay” to mean something bad. We are all guilty whenever we do anything that puts “being gay” into a second class or negative view. We are all guilty, guilty as charged! And the only way that we can assuage our guilt is to start showing compassion to each other more, start speaking out that being gay is OK, that it is OK to be different, that being gay is good, that being gay is not sinful, it is not something to be rejected, it is not worth killing someone over. We are guilty as charged. But there is hope. Will you change and take a stand with me to reach out to the millions of other Tylers who hate themselves? Will you changed the way society views those who seem different in one way or another? Will you change how you react to those who are different and show them the acceptance that every human being deserves? And that is where the hope lies, because I have written this with the hope that you will! - Blessings in all ways - David L.

20100828.014 WHO AM I ANYWAY?

20100828.014 WHO AM I ANYWAY?

Hello all! As with many of my BLOGs, I have been writing this one in my head. And the time has come to finally commit it to the written word so that it can be solidified. The title comes from a song from the musical “A CHORUS LINE” and will make sense once I share with you the point of this particular BLOG. But first let me quote the words to this song. (Let me also note that if you search for (“chorus line who am i” on www.youtube.com you will find several versions and the melody is nice to listen to as well as the meaning of the words.)

Who am I anyway? Am I my resume? That is a picture of a person I don’t know. What does he want from me? Who should I try to be? So many faces all around that I don’t know. Now here we go. I hope I get this show.

The reasoning behind the title of this BLOG coming from this particular song is because I have been wrestling with the question, “WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE GAY?” You would think that once someone declares that they are gay, they should know what that is, but I am discovering more and more people who think they know the meaning of the term “GAY” and in reality have no clue. And that includes those who are “family.” Let me explain. Recently I received an email/message from a friend who made the claim, “As someone who has had more boyfriends than you, we can both agree that I can be pretty gay at times, right?” And this particular “friend” is correct, he has had more boyfriends than me. Of course, when you really think about it, I think Mother Theresa has had more boyfriends than me! But I digress. In actuality, my friend is bisexual and declares himself as such. The real point I want to make is that having sex with someone of the same gender doesn’t make you gay. In fact, to borrow from the joke that Dan Savage used in: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajR9PLvN73k “You build a thousand bridges and nobody calls you an engineer, but suck one cock, . . . [and you are gay]” From my view, the truth of the matter is that it takes more than just same gender sex to equate someone as being gay. I think that being gay includes, but is not limited to, the ways you think, the ways you feel, and the ways you experience life in all of its vast diversity. In fact, I would have to confess that there are thousands of ways, if not millions of ways, of defining “same gender” sexuality. And the myriad of gays in this world embody all of these defining characteristics to greater and lesser degrees.

And to redirect my “friend” should he be reading this, there are also millions of defining characteristics of what makes someone bisexual, which I think differs than what makes someone gay. Now, I will be the first to admit that I am neither a sociologist nor an anthropologist, and I have no credentials to validate this philosophy. But, speaking as one who defines them selves with the term of “GAY” I do think I have the right to at the very least put in two cents. What validation do I have? I have my own feelings, my own thoughts, my own experiences which are unique to me. And for that reason alone, I think I have the right to speak on such an issue. Of course, I would be glad for any comments you would want to leave me concern these views. Because, I also believe that understanding and belief comes from discourse with others! And so, to answer the question that the title poses, “WHO AM I ANYWAY?” I am ME! And that is saying QUITE A LOT! Blessings to you all - David L.

20100808 SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT . . .

20100808 SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT . . .

Recently I had a falling out with a couple of people. The falling out came about because of politics. Now, I know the cardinal rule of civil conversation, “never talk about religion or politics.” But, since I am a minister at heart, the talking religion went out the window long ago. Which means that politics would soon follow. Of course, I am not the first, nor will I be the last, to entwine these two shameful subjects together. It is said that shortly after Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell started dabbling in politics, the two, religion and politics, became inexorably linked forever. Although, I’m sure it happened long before Pat and Jerry came on the scene. At any rate, recently, the gay community was called to boycott Target and Bet Buy stores due to the fact that the CEO of Target gave a large sum of money to n anti-gay conservative political candidate in Minnesota. Soon after, the conservative fought back with claims of this being a smear tactic because the liberal candidate’s money was funding the people calling for the boycott.

I come into the picture when a “friend” on FACEBOOK posted information about the boycott, and another “friend” posted the conservative opinion of the smear campaign. I then posted something in response to the fact that although the boycott may be the result of a smear campaign, the outing of the smear campaign holds just as much of a political agenda behind it as does the boycott. And, when those people who are being duped by the political right will leave the political right, I will gladly leave the political left that has duped me as well. Until that time happens, I shall remain duped by the political left. Here is where the falling out came into play. The “friend” who posted the story that the boycott was all a political smear, apparently felt my response was a personal attack. The “friend” who had begun the post with the boycott announcement also saw it as a personal attack. I must admit, I still don’t understand why since no where in my response did I ever state my “friend’s” name or claim that my “friend” was evil, wicked, bad, dumb, stupid, or anything like that. And I wish I could quote my words exactly but the “friend” who began the post deleted my response. Therefore, doing two things, 1) leaving me in the dark as to what I actually said, and 2) giving the appearance that I was totally off base and should never have posted anything.

Since all of this happened, I sent both of them a message of apology, though I’m not sure exactly what I said to warrant an apology since my post was deleted and I am, therefore, arguing from a blind stand point - something which I do not like to do. I have been called high school-ish (childish) since I keep pointing out that my post was deleted. The point that I have tried to explain to no avail is that by deleting the post, one has, in essence, deleted a part of history which can never be recovered, and which, although we all know SOMETHING happened, we can’t really say exactly what! And, I strongly feel that we should never delete history! Furthermore, I feel a point of honor has been breached. First, by the fact that I was treated by the first poster as being ignorant and unable to figure out for myself what is happening in the political world, and second by the other for claiming that I was attacking the fist poster, and then in stating that I was being childish and I needed to grow up.

So, do I need to grow up? Probably, but it isn’t the responsibility of the “friend” to state that. Am I being duped by a political faction? Most assuredly, but I already noted that I realize this and will glad accept the consequences of being with that political group. What I would like and will probably never see is a true apology from the poster who deleted my response that they were wrong in deleting it. And a response from the other poster as to how they felt that I had attacked them to cause them to fly off the handle at my posting. I know that I will not see either. Hence that is why I have written this diatribe. It has helped me state the facts as I see them and to, at the very least, let my part of the story be told. At the most, it has given me a sense of vindication because I set the record straight.

Of course, the sad part is that I really don’t want to talk to these two “friends” for quite some time and since I know they tend to be in the company of other friends, I will probably have to stay out of their company as well. At least in stepping out of their presence, I won’t be getting into any major arguments that would lead me to making more enemies out of those once called friends.

Blessings - David L.

20100702.012 TO “B” OR NOT TO “B”

TO “B” OR NOT TO “B”

Again, I must apologize for not keeping up with my BLOGGING. I had promised but, alas, time does get away from me as it does with everyone else. But here I am again, not because I am guilty, mind you, but because a friend and I were talking and he gave me a topic that I just couldn’t pass up.

You see, recently, after much struggle and consternation, I finally made the choice I was needing to make. I waited for God to “show me the way” and direct me accordingly, but that never happened. So, I took the bull by the horns and decided for myself. And, I figured, if God didn’t like my decision, God would direct me to change it. I decided to leave the church I have been serving for the past nine years. And, in leaving the church, I also felt that I needed to come out to the congregation. So, this past Sunday (June 27th) I gave a “coming out” sermon as well as I made a statement of resignation.

Now, all of this does have bearing in a unique way on the title of this BLOG, but let me explain exactly what this BLOG is really about. In Shakespear’s “HAMLET” Hamlet is struggling, as I understand it, with whether or not to commit suicide. And so he gives that most wonderful of soliloquies, “To be, or not to be: that is the question:. . .” Of course, such a question can be asked of all of us in all of the different areas of life. And in my coming out, I have asked that very question, or at least a modification of it.

You see, when a gay man comes to grips with who he is and how he feels, often times the man comes out as bisexual first. It seems to be a little less threatening for us for some reason. In fact, I have some friends who I would call “GAY” and yet they still call themselves “BI” because they feel that is a more accurate description of who they are. Needless to say, such struggle over words does cause a struggling within the GLBT community. Because there are those gay men who have come out as bi and then decided that gay was really a better descriptor. They tend to look on other men who claim to be bi and feel betrayed or lied to. They feel that they need to just come over to the full claim of being gay rather than being a “middle of the road” person as a bisexual may appear to be. Therefore, it is the “B” of the “GLBT” alphabet soup that I am talking about in the title.

At any rate, the friend that I mentioned earlier who gave me the idea for this BLOG asked the question, “Why can’t the B’s just pick side?” And it is a good question. The issue is, however, the definition of a bisexual. And that definition is, “One who is capable of loving either gender.” And, yes, I can already hear the rising arguments over that definition. The fact is, we all fit in to that definition in one way or another. We are all bisexual to a greater or lesser degree.

When I first came out, shortly after my wife’s death, I considered myself as bisexual. Because I was (and still am) so in love with this woman who I had known for almost 25 years, and was married to her for 9 of those years. Did I love her in a sexual way? No, but, take a look at that definition again, and you will see that “LOVE” is not defined as only sexual.

Because of all of this, I really do believe we get far too hung up on labels and we try to fit within what those labels have become, rather than letting ourselves be whoever we seem to be. Labels are just that, words meant to represent someone, and those words are limiting. If you don’t believe just how limiting, consider the wide variety of what it means to be “GAY”. For some gay means effeminate men, for others, it means men who are rough and top everything and everyone, for still others it means men who are at the top of fashion and style, and then for me, it means someone who marches to my own drum and dresses in like manner. All in all, we are a varied people and trying to stick labels on us can be impossible, if not ludicrous.

Of course, none of this even begins to approach the subject of straight males who are metrosexuals (men who are straight but exhibit many qualities of men who are gay) and straight women who challenge social norms and are more powerful and masculine that what others may accept. (And I have to stick my two cents in here. I have many friends who are powerful women. And I claim among them my sisters, Becky, Vicy, and Vicy’s partner, Alex. Among these three, my sister Becky is straight and is an awesome powerful woman who I cherish and wish I could borrow that power at times)

So, what does any of this mean to me and my coming out experience? Well, for lack of a better term I see myself as being GAY. Do I fit the stereotypical roles of what it means to be gay? No. But, then I don’t think anyone really does. Am I really bisexual? Based on the definition I stated above, yes! Because I have the capability to love all people. But, from a purely sexual point of view, I am attracted to men and so that makes me all the more gay than bisexual. So, am I a “B”? Yes. Am I not a “B”? Yes. Ultimately the question to ask is, does such a label really change who the person is? And that answer is no. - Blessings to you all!

P.S. Thanks Trav for the Idea!

20100610.011 "13 - 4 = 'A LIFETIME REMEMBERED' "

(Thoughts gleaned over the three days from anniversary of wedding to anniversary of Kate’s death)

At this very moment I am sitting at the Barnes & Nobel with a box of Rice Krispie Treats. On this day (June 7th) I married my soul-mate in 1997. There are some people who don’t understand what that really means. My soul-mate was someone who understood me in almost every way possible. I was transparent to her. She knew my thoughts often before I thought them. There were numerous times that we just simply read each other’s mind. If we were in a crowded room, we could look at each other and seemingly know what the other was thinking and we would laugh. And often times others would look at us confused and wonder what was the joke that they missed. There were times that I would call her asking what she wanted for a meal and hoping she would say, “SONIC” or “ARBY’S” or “PIZZA” or something else and she would say just what it was that I was craving, without me every voicing any possible hint. To paraphrase the movie Jerry McGuire, “She completed me.” So 13 years ago today, we stood before family, friends, and God and spoke those most awesome of words. “I DO!” Truth be told, there are some people who cannot understand how I could be married and I AM gay. They think that one (our marriage) or the other (me being gay) must have been a lie! They don’t understand how a gay man could be married to a woman and honestly, truthfully, enjoy my life. Those people also seem to be the ones that I would be writing this BLOG specifically to - the ones who equate love with sex and can never see a definitive separation between the two.

You see, there is a reason why I call Kate my soul-mate. Because I believe that for some reason, we were connected at a spiritual level. There are those in my circle of family (Those who I am related to by blood and those who I have chosen as part of my family) who have told me that there can be several “soul-mates” in one’s life. I don’t know how true that is, I only know that I have had one amazing one who was my other half - my better half - Kate.

So here I am now, thinking back to June 10th 2006. My dad had come over to help me move a new refrigerator into our house that someone was giving us. It was 9:45am and dad was straining at the bit to get over to the place where the refrig was. I heard a crash over at the stove and saw Kate laying on the floor. I told dad to call 911 and I tried to wake her up. Dad came over to try and do CPR. When the EMTs arrived they shocked her 7 times loaded her onto the ambulance without a definitive heart beat and headed to the hospital. When they finally did get a regular heart beat the doctor came out to tell me that there was heart damage and probably brain damage. They transported her upstairs and lost her in the process. Time of death 12:24pm, Saturday, June 10, 2006 - three days after we celebrated our 9th anniversary.

In sharing with a friend and fellow colleague in Ministry who also suffered loss, I told her that when I would go to the grief counseling sessions I would be so jealous of those people who had been married 30, 40 and even 50 years. They got to have time with their partners that I never got. They got to experience the ups and downs of marriage that I will never get. They got a lifetime and I only got 9 years! Of course, that 9 years isn’t counting the previous 15 years where we first developed our close friendship. And that causes me to wonder if those people who had 30, 40, and 50 year marriages got to know their partners to the depth that I got to know Kate! So maybe I did get to know a lifetime with Kate - a lifetime that was contained within 9 short years.

So, here I am remembering what would have been my 13th anniversary of marriage to my soul-mate and remembering the 4th anniversary of Kate’s death, and somewhere in between those two numbers sits a lifetime of memories of togetherness, possibilities un-experienced, grief yet to be lived, and a love that was unbounded. I wish I could say that I have answers to all of this, but I don’t. I wish I could say that I am coming out on the other side a better man, but I’m not even sure of that. What I am sure is that, just as I began living one day, one hour, one minute, one second one step after another that moment that Kate died, I have continued to live that way unto and including this very moment in my life. It is the only way I can live. The past is nothing but death and the future is nothing but unknown. And so I take one small tiny step into that unknown moment shine the light of my experiences on it to make it familiar and then take one more step. What else can I do?

I remember sometime after Kate’s death telling my dad that I was in such confusion because I wanted everyone to know the depth of love I felt with Kate and for Kate and yet I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain (the grieving of loss) upon my worst enemy. In Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s poem “In Memoriam A.H.H.” he penned those famous of all words about love, “I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost; Than never to have loved at all.” And yet, knowing what I know now, and feeling what I do every single time I think about Kate and the love we shared, I have to wonder if Tennyson really understood love. Incidentally, Tennyson wrote those words about the death of his friend Arthur Henry Hallam. If Tennyson had experienced the kind of love I had with Kate, would he still say such words? Would he still think that lost love is better than no love at all when the lost love comes with such deep agonizing pain? I doubt it.

And yet, I do understand, even if for a microscopic moment how this pain is forcing me to grow. I have done a lot of things over the past 4 years from the result of that pain. And I will continue to act and react from that pain throughout my life. And I can already hear my friends telling me that such action isn’t good. But they are not me and they will never know just what it is I experience until, God forbid, they experience the same loss in their lives.

So here I sit in between 13 years and 4 years looking back at the past and looking forward into the future wondering what it is I will discover because of this tumultuous experience. Only God knows for sure and trust me, She isn’t saying! I know because I continue to ask Him! - Blessings always - David L.

20100601.010 ARE YOU . . .

20100601.010 ARE YOU . . .

Again, I have come to the point of realizing that I have not posted a BLOG in quite some time. In fact, I actually had to go to my BLOG site to read my last BLOG so I would know what I have already talked about.

So here it is, June 1, 2010. In 5 more days (June 6th) my mom & dad will celebrate their 54th Wedding anniversary, and I will celebrate my 14th year of Ordination into Christian Ministry. In 6 more days (June 7th), I will remember what would have been my 13th anniversary, and in 9 more days (June 10th), I will remember the 4th anniversary of Kate’s death. Of course, none of this has anything to do with this BLOG, other than they are things to remember and contemplate.

The reason for the title to the BLOG and for me writing this BLOG is because of several events that have happened to me. The first event was in talking with a friend. I was noting that this friend of mine, who is obviously straight, also has some gay qualities. I see these qualities as positive attributes and I wish others could see how someone can embody a wider framework of sexuality. Since I felt there needed to be a name associated with it, I said that he has “GAY HIGHLIGHTS” the sad thing is that neither he nor his wife see this as something that is positive in his life. The second event was when I recently watched a video on YOUTUBE that caught me off guard. Unfortunately I can’t find it right now, but the gist of the video was someone wondering why people are so upset with being called gay when they are not, and yet if someone who is gay is called straight, those of us who are gay are supposed to NOT take offense at being assumed to be straight. How interesting the double standard by which we all live. But, as with all of my BLOGS, I want to expand this view. Imagine, if you will, the quality or sense that you might dislike in a person. And imagine someone asking you the question with that sense used. For instance, would you be offended if someone asked you “ARE YOU LATINO?” “ARE YOU TALL?” “ARE YOU LEFT HANDED?” “ARE YOU ASIAN?” “ARE YOU FAT?” “ARE YOU POOR?” “ARE YOU REPUBLICAN?” “ARE YOU DEMOCRATE?” “ARE YOU STRAIGHT?” “ARE YOU THIN?” “ARE YOU SHORT?” “ARE YOU . . . ?”

The point that I am trying to make is this; why do we assign value to qualities or characteristics of people? Why do have the inherent need to judge others as well as ourselves on what qualities we harbor in our lives? And why is it that when we see something positive in someone else, no matter how much we try to point out the positive quality, if that person sees it as a negative, it is nothing but negative to them?

I wish I had the answers to these questions. Unfortunately, the only one who can answer these questions is you, whoever you may be. - Blessings always - David L.

(A postscript: I want to thank Sindy, Alex, and Aaron, in sharing their thoughts and ideas with me on this topic. I am so very lucky to have such wise and wonderful friends!)

20100503.009 MY LIFE THUS FAR . . ."AS I AM"

20100503.009 MY LIFE THUS FAR . . ."AS I AM"

Did I really let April pass completely by without posting a single BLOG? Well, I shall rectify that mistake tonight. Let me begin by telling you some of the events and emergences I have had since my last posting.

During the month of April I had the joy of going to a clergy retreat the week after Easter. The joy comes in the fact that I got to meet some friends that I have not seen for a long time and I got to hear some keynotes that reassured me of some of what I have been dealing with. Does this mean I have an answer to what I have been looking for? Possibly. More likely, however, is I am going to give an answer to God and God will then need to deal with the answer I give in whatever way God sees fit.

Recently, I had the chance to go to Dallas, TX for the conference on BUILDING AN INCLUSIVE CHURCH. It was a powerful experience and I know that whatever my future entails, it will include work towards bringing the church into an open and affirming mode of life.

But the point that I really want to get to comes from a song that I have truly fallen in love with. The Movie “THE BIG GAY MUSICAL” has finally been released and I rented it on ITUNES to see if I wanted to buy it. The answer to that is a resounding YES! The music is great, the flow of the movie is great. But most importantly is the last song in the whole show. It is entitled “AS I AM” and can be found on YOUTUBE here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THKdEs_lwWg

The most important part is the chorus which says, “I was put on this earth as I am, I was born with my own special blessings, I'll let them shine and not give a damn, I was put on this earth as I am.” Now, I realize many of my friends have tried and tried to hammer into my head that I am a person of value and worth. But sometimes it takes a combination of things to really help that message sink home. The movie, coupled with the last song, coupled with the conference in Dallas, all came together for me to help me see the truth of it all. I am given my own special blessings that others don’t have. I am put on this earth to be God’s creation. With maybe a few less pounds, but if that is the case, God will help me with that too. Ultimately, I am a person of value and worth who is called by God to live a life different from the norm. And to those who would condemn me and tell me that I am wrong, I am evil, I don’t belong here, I fully understand now how pitiful they are. I truly feel sorry for them, because they will never understand the love that God has poured out on me.

Does this mean that I am totally positive and I won’t have anymore negative days? No. But it does mean that I have one more handle with which to hold on to when I feel myself sliding down to darkness. My hope is that there are others who will read this and have a listen to the video on YOUTUBE and discover for themselves the hope within the words. Blessings always - David L.

P.S. and after note to share, I do not wish to infringe on the copyright of the song AS I AM which belongs to Big Gay Musical Productions.

20100330.008 CONSERVATIVE ABORTION

20100330.008 CONSERVATIVE ABORTION

Well, it is that time again. The time when I apologize profusely about not writing a timely BLOG and ask your forgiveness. But, in total honesty, I am not writing a BLOG because I haven't written one in two weeks and I realized how much I needed to. Instead I am writing one because several issues have recently touched me and caused me to take a moment and think. And before I get to explaining what I mean by the title of the BLOG let me explain the issues that have hit me blind sided, which, in turn, will be used to help explain the title.

The first issue that I want to touch on, starts with my dad. Recently my dad received a phone call from the cousin whom he was classmates with at high school. It seems that they are going to have a class reunion and the cousin wanted to know if dad would be going to it or not. Well, dad hemmed and hawed and then told the cousin that he would think about it. When he was off the phone call, I volunteered that I could help drive them down to the class reunion. That, of course would give me a chance to touch base with the Seminary where I received my M. Div. And, it might also give me a chance to touch base with some old friends who I know live near all these places. At any rate, after I volunteered to be the driver, dad made an interesting remark to me. He said, “David, my cousin is very staunch Nazarene and is very much anti-homosexual. I don't want you getting into a debate with him about being gay.” I was a bit taken aback. Have I presented myself as always pushing being gay? For that matter, did I really flame that much? Last night when I was sharing this all with a friend, their response to me was that same question, “Does he really think you flame so much?” Of course, one of the major questions that has risen in my mind is, “Why should I have to tippy toe around a part of who I am, simply because it might offend someone?” Well, my thoughts then went to my second cousins, their children. I remember playing with them as a kid and I also remember that they acted a lot like me. And I mean A LOT! If you get my picture. In other words, if you don't get the picture I am trying to paint, it is very possible that one or both of them could be gay. And if they had parents like that, the thought came to my mind, have they wanted to kill themselves? I know, if I my parents weren't as loving as they are (And they still have their prejudice against me being gay) I would have committed suicide long ago. By the way, A side note here, I am actually feeling pretty good and don't have any plans of checking out early! In fact, other than my allergies, and my continuous canker sores in my mouth, I think this is the best I've felt in a long long time! Anyway, back to this BLOG.

The second and third issues that have risen up are from two songs I have been listening to. The first is from a Jason & Demarco Album and is entitled, “Just In Time” and is a love song. The chorus is, “You're just in time to save my life to share this moment to be by my side.” The second song is also a love song of sorts. It is called “Please Remember Me” and I believe it was written by Tim McGraw, but the version I have is sung by John Barrowman. If you are not familiar with it, it is a song of love lost and the pain one feels as they recover from that lost love. Both of these songs have worked together to make me wonder what it is that brings certain people together where as others never do meet even once.

This led me to remember when I first came out to a young minister who had already come out to me. His response to me was, “Thank you for sharing with me that gift.” I had never seen my sexual identity as a gift, but he was there, at the right time to lift me up and help me see hope where at first there didn't seem to be. And then my thoughts went racing back to my dad's first cousin's attitudes toward who I am and then I thought about how the ultra-conservatives are so very vocal against abortion. Now, let me interject here that I make the claim of being pro-life. In fact, in earlier BLOGs I have noted that I believe in the sacredness of ALL LIFE! And I mean ALL LIFE! I was an outcast in Seminary because those who were liberal and would accept my identity would reject me because I believe event the life of an unborn baby should be protected. And those who would reject my identity would accept me for being pro-life. Now, having said all of that, also please realize that I understand I have no right to tell another person that they WILL have a child. Especially if I am not going to pitch in and help raise it! And so, in that sense I am pro-choice.

But, here is the interesting thing and where the title of the blog comes from. There are those who would not accept my identity and therefore would think that I should commit suicide because there is no way that their God would accept and forgive me. And, even though that would be quite late term (about 46 years and two months) it is still their way to abort a life from this gift of a planet that the great creator has made for us all. In other words, there are some who would gladly push someone to abort their life if it would rid the world of one more EVIL PERSON (in their eyes)! How very sad. How sad that there are people in this world who are so narrow minded that they think they have all the answers and that they have the right to declare that you are saved or damned! How sad that there are people in this world who may never know that there is someone like me who considers them a person of value and worth simply because they are here!

Now, I am not saying that all conservatives want all the gays to commit suicide. But It does bring me to consider Karma, and how often have I touched someone's life in a negative way so that they feel rejected and alone? How often have I planted that little evil seed in someone's heart that calls them to abort their life because something I said made them think that the world would be better without them? So, here is my challenge to you all! Please, the next time you begin to strike out at someone for doing something wrong, reconsider how you may be touching their life. The next time you want to hurt someone because you feel they have hurt you, consider just what that hurt may do to them. Because, when all else is said and done, don't you want them to know that the precious spark of life that they hold within themselves is worth them simply being here? I hope so! Blessings to you all - DL

20100314.007 TO EVERYTHING TURN, TURN, TURN

20100314.007 TO EVERYTHING TURN, TURN, TURN

(Preface: even though I am posting this on Monday, I really did write it early yesterday morning, so, please read it as such. L8r)

Here it is early Sunday morning, March 14, 2010. You would think that going to bed at 12:45 am (before the time change) and waking up at 5:30 am (after the time change) that I would be tired. And, in fact, I may end up going back to bed instead of doing what I have planned for today, but for this moment, I feel the need to write a BLOG that is long over due. So, let me catch you up on some of my life and what I have been dealing with over the past couple of weeks and then I can deal with the title fo the BLOG.

For some time, now, I have been battling major depression. And, although I have been taking my medicine and going to counseling, the depression has just continued deeper and deeper. Recently, I was told that the Pastoral Relations Committee - the committee that is supposed to be my sounding board and support which is also called the PRC - was going to ask me to take a Sabbatical (See previous BLOG). Now, it is one thing when you realize and plan to take time off so that you can regroup, refocus, and re-energize, but when another group throws that at you out of the blue, one can get the feeling that they are being attacked. In trying to uncover the motives and reasons for this, it became increasingly apparent that at least one of the people who seems to be attacking me was at the root of it all. I know this because, even though, it was suggested that someone else, a friend, was recommending it, this other detractor was upset that the PRC couldn’t force me to take the sabbatical right away (because I had intended on taking one after Easter). The more I struggled with this person being upset that I wasn’t going to be out immediately, and the fact that there are several others who keep attacking the actions and missions of the church and other members, the more I decided that I just couldn’t take it any more. Let’s face it, there is only so much that any one person can take of being condemned and demeaned as a failure, before they end up breaking all together. I have been close to that point for some time. And so, on March 3, I made some phone calls, talked with several people, and said, “I’ve had enough and I can’t handle any more of it.” And I announced in worship on March 7th, that I would be starting my sabbatical on March 12th.

So, here I am, the first Sunday in awhile where I don’t have to get up to get ready for worship and I can’t sleep. Ironic, I think. At any rate, I am faced with several issues while I am on this Sabbatical. First off, I am asking all of you who are reading this for lots and lots of prayers, candle lighting and positive thoughts and energies flowing my way. I will tell you that after I made the decision on March 3rd, I felt 50% less stress and it has continued increasing (that is the stress has continued decreasing) as the days have moved forward. One of the major stressors that I had to let go of was “What will the Church do?” The fact is, I have to trust that God will call forth workers to fill the needs. And, yes, I am vindictive to a certain level and want those who have been decrying all of my evils to see that they can’t do things without me. But, I also realize that such an attitude is really not healthy and so I am trying to let my anger and animosity go. Secondly, I am faced with several difficult questions for my future. And they are as follows: Am I still called to serve this Church? Am I still called to be a pastor? Am I such a screw-up as a minister and as a person that I need to step as far away from the ministry as possible and seek to do something else entirely? Of course, none of these questions can be answered out right. And I will be praying over them and trying to hear God’s voice in all of this. But, this, of course, leads me to the title of this BLOG. In the 1960's the Byrds recorded the song entitled, “To Everything Turn, Turn, Turn” which is taken from Ecclesiastes 3. The song and the Scripture passage both make the profound point that every purpose has a time for it to be fulfilled. What is difficult for us as humans, is in knowing when that time is fulfilled.

And so, here is the point of all of this. What is the time or the season that I am in? What is the time for the purpose of the church I serve? These questions and many more like them, are questions that can’t be answered after a short time in prayer. They will require a lot more introspection and a lot more prayer. So, ultimately, it comes down to me hoping and praying that whatever is God’s will, it will be done.

Blessings always - DL

20100303.006 ON BEING STABBED IN THE BACK

20100303.006 ON BEING STABBED IN THE BACK

I have always been amazed when the movies portray someone being stabbed in the back. In some movies people are portrayed as dying immediately. In other movies there is the linger death. Since I have never been stabbed in the back in the literal sense, I can’t begin to guess which way is the most accurate. I will tell you that in the movie DUNE (director David Lynch) the images that stayed with me are when the Shadout Mapes and the Doctor are both stabbed in the back. In both images there appears lots of pain and they are still trying to get out what they needed to say. Nonetheless, the stabbing is crippling and they fall to the floor.

As I mentioned, I have never been stabbed in the back in the literal sense, but there have been times that I feel the virtual knife begin to poke me in the back. As of late I have been dealing with a lot of depression (and I mean A LOT!) And part of the depression is just me and what my body is doing (or rather NOT doing) with the chemicals that surround my brain. But part of that depression is also in knowing that no one has my back as it were. Now, before my many true friends feel hurt or slighted, I do know that you have my back and I appreciate that. But, there are times in life when we each must walk the journey alone. And, hard as you may try, you cannot be there for me. It just isn’t possible. And those are the times I am talking about. One of those times is in facing those people who for some reason or another hate me within the church. I am dealing with that currently. Hence, the reason for this BLOG (which is really long over due).

So I received a call from someone yesterday who passed on information about someone in the church who is writing letters to my higher ups, as it were. I say “as it were” because, in the Disciples of Christ, we really don’t have higher ups. We have a horizontal church. And that is one of the great things I LOVE about the DOC denomination. However, it also leads to the whole issue of having to walk that journey alone. You see, in other denominations that are more structured, my higher ups would be able to sit on me if I began to get out of line. But, also they could go to bat for me and tell any trouble makers that “they” (the trouble makers) needed to shut up and get out. In the DOC, they can only make suggestions. In both cases. But that means that ultimately I have to walk the journey alone when it comes to dealing with the trouble makers in the church. And this last rounder has really tired me out. I just don’t think I can do it anymore.

And so, in allusion to the title of the BLOG, I am feeling like I am being stabbed in the back. Of course, in total honesty, I am feeling like there is a line of people waiting to stab me. And each time I hear of something one of my detractors has done, I feel their knife go in. Please note, for what it is worth, I know those of you who are reading this now who are somewhat involved. Please DO NOT feel like I am condemning you. The fact remains, as I mentioned above, that there is only so much you can do. When push comes to shove, I still need to face it alone. I realize that the ones who are doing the stabbing honestly think they are doing God’s will. And for that they are to be pitied because in reality they are doing some of the most evil actions available. Some of the greatest evil has been wrought because people thought they were doing good.

The long and short of all of this is that there is only so much any one person can take. And I am nearing the end of my energies. Although I realize that God may be doing great things through all of this, I may have to quit before such great things are brought to fruition. And that means that the church will suffer, and other friends of mine will suffer all because I couldn’t wait it out. What I am saying is, there comes a time when eventually you say “enough is enough” and you put a shield on your back, or you simple step into another room where you are separated from the ones doing the stabbing.

Now, a couple of loose ends to tie up. First off, I am sure that those reading this BLOG are thinking, “Oh no! He is going to self-terminate” No, I am not going to do something like that. Although, I will confess that I prayer to God that he just take me away from the earth right now because I seem to be causing trouble everywhere I go! What I am talking about is the fact that I have a break coming up, because the Pastoral Relations Committee has requested I take one. The plan is for me to start my break April 18th. However, I honestly don’t feel like I can last that long. I am feeling like I want to step into the pulpit on 3/7 and say, “Enough is enough. I can’t take any more of this. I’m leaving” The problem is that this causes hurt and pain to a lot of people and I am feeling guilty about causing such pain.

Another loose end that needs to be tied up is my frustrations in dealing with a certain group that I have been a part of as a hobby. As strange as it is, they are going through similar problems. The end result is, I have already stepped out of working with them. Of course, dealing with a hobby and dealing with a vocation are two extreme differences. I have stepped out of participating with them, but that doesn’t mean I have really dealt with all the politics and back stabbing that they are doing as well. And sooner or later I will have to deal with that also. At this point in my life, I just want it to be later rather than sooner (much later, like within the next century, ha ha).

So, do I have a solutions to being stabbed in the back? Not really. The only solution that I can see is pulling myself out of the equation. And that is what I am going to eventually end up doing. The question comes done to how much more can I deal with it all? And the answer? Only God knows! - Blessings all - DL

20100215.005 YOU MOTHER PHEASANT PLUCKER!

YOU MOTHER PHEASANT PLUCKER!

I have been meaning to write another BLOG for sometime. And since I have basically missed two weeks, it is LONG past time for one. So here it is. However, where as my other past BLOGS all have a meaning or purpose associated with them. This one is simple a rant. Or rather it is a series of mini rants. Why? Because I want to and I think I have the right. So here goes.

1. HOW DARE YOU!

I absolutely detest people who feign “POOR ME” When in actuality they are the ones who are driving force behind me wanting to KILL MYSELF! Ass holes, all of them! One person in particular dares to claim (during worship no less) that they are “unworthy” (their exact words) to do a task. When, in actuality, they were pushing their own agenda and I felt attacked. So, I stopped them. Then, when they asked why I was upset, I told them. And their response is that they are so sorry to everyone who they have hurt and they are apparently “unworthy” What a bitch! They know what I said, I never said they were unworthy, I said that they had shown they can’t do the multiple tasks that they claimed they could.

2. SO WHAT ABOUT ME?

I realize when there are people who are uncomfortable around me. But sometimes, it isn’t about them. IT IS ABOUT ME! I haven’t had the money as of late to get acid reflux meds. So, I am having to deal with acid reflux. Also, the meds the doctor prescribed to get rid of my thrush, hasn’t helped. I have one more lozenge to take and I still feel like I have thrush! Couple this with the daily aches and pains that I feel, and hopefully you will understand that I feel like crap most of the time. Do I have some incurable disease that is dragging me down? No! But, just once, give me the credit that it isn’t about YOU! IT IS ABOUT ME! I realize that you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, but I do too! And I am faced with the fact that I can’t talk about everything happening to me just like you CLAIM that you can’t talk about what is happening to you. Well, enough is enough! This time I am claiming IT IS ABOUT ME! So deal with it!

3. MY LIFE IS HELL!

There are many of us in the same boat, I realize! I am living with my parents, because I feel that they need to be cared for. Besides, I am the one child who lives closest to them to do this. But do you have any idea how much stress they add to my life? Do you have any idea what it is like to deal with a mother who is more of a twelve year old than an eighty year old? And do you have any idea what it is like for everyone and their uncle to tell me that I am caring for my parents all wrong? I am betting NO! You have no idea! So, rather than trying to tell me how to walk in my own shoes, let me try and figure it out on my own. Because no matter what YOU have gone through, you will NEVER KNOW what I have to go through!

4. WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?

(addendum to above) Do you have any idea what it is like to continuously hear from society and culture (and sometimes even from your own family & friends) that you are worthless, that you are an abomination, and not because of something you do, but because of who you are? Well, welcome to my shoes. So the next time you claim that I am pushing some kind of agenda, or that I have no right to feel depressed, or that I have no right to say that I want to KILL MYSELF, you had better walk at least a month in my shoes before such a claim is made! And speaking of KILLING MYSELF. I am not planning on doing it right now, and I know that there are those people who claim to be a friend, or who use to be a friend, who want to pain me as unstable. Maybe before you listen to them, you need to consider just how stable and truthful THEY ARE!

5. GOING POSTAL!

I wonder if there has ever been a situation where a minister has GONE POSTAL? Because if there has been, I think I know how that minister felt. Do you have any idea what it is like to feel ignored by the very being who created you? And then you are told by THOSE WHO CLAIM TO BE IN COMMUNICATION WITH THAT BEING, “it is because you are just so angry” YOU THINK? GEEZ, I WONDER WHY? If you want to help, try giving me a better answer than “BECAUSE YOU ARE SO ANGRY” or just shut up and say, “I DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS EITHER” That, at least, is a little less cruel than the “angry” line! If God is so great (As I believe God is) then God can take away the anger, work around the anger, or slap me upside the head to get rid of the anger! And, that isn’t happening that I know of! So, you might want to “LIGHT A CANDLE” or “SAY A PRAY” that if God doesn’t want me to break and “go postal”, God had better clear the communication lines and start talking!

6. THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG!

Do I have some more ranting to do? Yes, but frankly I am too tired, and too pissed off, and I am too far at my wit’s end to type any more. Do I want you to comment? HELL YES! But, please don’t get all psycho babble on me. And if you can peg yourself in the issues above, your first words of the comment had better be something in the form of “I’m sorry!” Because right now, I really don’t want to talk to those of you who I am tagging above unless you can throw me a bone and at least realize that however you reacted to me or around me, you have successfully pissed me off! Thank you and good night!

20100130.004 OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT!

OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT!

Well, I was looking back over this week and realized that I hadn’t published a blog. OOPS! Yes, it is true that I could have simply let it slide and waited until next week. And I said that I would “TRY” to publish one ever week. At any rate, the fact remains that I wanted to correct what I hadn’t done. And I remembered, shortly after the decision to write this, what I wanted to write about. Some of you, my friends, may read the title and think I am talking about myself. And, in a certain way, I am. But I want to point out someone else, who I feel pity for what he has said over the past couple of weeks.

It all began with the earthquake in Haiti. With the various organizations and groups seeking to send food, clothing, medical aid, and help of every kind, one man opened his mouth and stuck his foot in it, BIG TIME! A certain television evangelist who doesn’t warrant being mentioned by name and his quote, “. . . something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and the people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heal of the French, uh, Napoleon the third or whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘we will serve you, if you’ll get us free from the French.’ . . .” The implication that this television evangelist was making is that the earthquake is a result of this supposed pact with the devil. Of course, he has made other claims in the past, as well. He has said that the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001 were a direct result because the USA allows gays, and lesbians to live. He also said that the Devastation in New Orleans because of Hurricane Katrina, is because of all the abortions that the USA has allowed. Apparently this guy seems to think that all of the evils and problems happening in the world today are a direct result of some supposed sin that humanity has committed against God and so God chooses to punish us.

So, why bring any of this up? Yes, it is true that many news casters as well as many people on YOUTUBE have condemned such words. In fact, those Television Evangelist who show God’s love in their acts and words have claimed that this particular person really doesn’t know what he is talking about. But, the frustration that I see, is that people actually believe what he has to say. People buy into what he talks about and actually think that he must know what he is talking about because, after all, he is a minister. Here is a man who makes various claims with out substantiation and yet, people buy into it hook line and sinker. And I have to ask the question, “Why?” “Why would someone even begin to believe what this man has to say?” And the answer is, because they want to. They have itching ears (as the Bible puts it) and are willing to believe what they want to believe.

One of my Congregational members has mentioned that when she visits a cousin of hers and attends worship, the pastor tells the congregation all sorts of tales. The one that she mentions often and laughs at is when he said that the poem/song “Mary had a little lamb” was code used by the early Christians. Again, here is another example of people saying whatever they want to simply because they think it SHOULD be that way. And this leads me to all of those numerous emails that I have seen that make various claims concerning our current president, or some other urban legend. People buy into it, because they WANT to believe it. This is where my pity comes in. I have pity for the man mentioned above as well as all those who make false claims because they are so desperate to push their point of view that they lie about what is actual truth. I have pity for those people who are more willing to believe anything than they are searching for the truth and accepting it when they find it. I have pity for myself because I am sure that there have been times when I have said something that I thought was true, when in actuality, it was the furthers thing from truth. I guess the fact remains that we all must have a tongue with shoe imprints on it, because we all have said something or done something that is so false, and yet we espouse it as truth.

So, what can be done about such people? The only thing I can think of is to ask the right questions. We need to ask, “Where did you get your information from?” “How credible is this source?” “Is this something that I am willing to stake my life on?” “Is this something I am willing to hold up at truth no matter what others will say to my face?” I hope that when I die, people will say the following three words about me, “David was a man who had integrity, authenticity, and love for all people and all creation.” And I hope that you all, as my friends, will keep me to those three goals! Blessings always - DL