20100702.012 TO “B” OR NOT TO “B”

TO “B” OR NOT TO “B”

Again, I must apologize for not keeping up with my BLOGGING. I had promised but, alas, time does get away from me as it does with everyone else. But here I am again, not because I am guilty, mind you, but because a friend and I were talking and he gave me a topic that I just couldn’t pass up.

You see, recently, after much struggle and consternation, I finally made the choice I was needing to make. I waited for God to “show me the way” and direct me accordingly, but that never happened. So, I took the bull by the horns and decided for myself. And, I figured, if God didn’t like my decision, God would direct me to change it. I decided to leave the church I have been serving for the past nine years. And, in leaving the church, I also felt that I needed to come out to the congregation. So, this past Sunday (June 27th) I gave a “coming out” sermon as well as I made a statement of resignation.

Now, all of this does have bearing in a unique way on the title of this BLOG, but let me explain exactly what this BLOG is really about. In Shakespear’s “HAMLET” Hamlet is struggling, as I understand it, with whether or not to commit suicide. And so he gives that most wonderful of soliloquies, “To be, or not to be: that is the question:. . .” Of course, such a question can be asked of all of us in all of the different areas of life. And in my coming out, I have asked that very question, or at least a modification of it.

You see, when a gay man comes to grips with who he is and how he feels, often times the man comes out as bisexual first. It seems to be a little less threatening for us for some reason. In fact, I have some friends who I would call “GAY” and yet they still call themselves “BI” because they feel that is a more accurate description of who they are. Needless to say, such struggle over words does cause a struggling within the GLBT community. Because there are those gay men who have come out as bi and then decided that gay was really a better descriptor. They tend to look on other men who claim to be bi and feel betrayed or lied to. They feel that they need to just come over to the full claim of being gay rather than being a “middle of the road” person as a bisexual may appear to be. Therefore, it is the “B” of the “GLBT” alphabet soup that I am talking about in the title.

At any rate, the friend that I mentioned earlier who gave me the idea for this BLOG asked the question, “Why can’t the B’s just pick side?” And it is a good question. The issue is, however, the definition of a bisexual. And that definition is, “One who is capable of loving either gender.” And, yes, I can already hear the rising arguments over that definition. The fact is, we all fit in to that definition in one way or another. We are all bisexual to a greater or lesser degree.

When I first came out, shortly after my wife’s death, I considered myself as bisexual. Because I was (and still am) so in love with this woman who I had known for almost 25 years, and was married to her for 9 of those years. Did I love her in a sexual way? No, but, take a look at that definition again, and you will see that “LOVE” is not defined as only sexual.

Because of all of this, I really do believe we get far too hung up on labels and we try to fit within what those labels have become, rather than letting ourselves be whoever we seem to be. Labels are just that, words meant to represent someone, and those words are limiting. If you don’t believe just how limiting, consider the wide variety of what it means to be “GAY”. For some gay means effeminate men, for others, it means men who are rough and top everything and everyone, for still others it means men who are at the top of fashion and style, and then for me, it means someone who marches to my own drum and dresses in like manner. All in all, we are a varied people and trying to stick labels on us can be impossible, if not ludicrous.

Of course, none of this even begins to approach the subject of straight males who are metrosexuals (men who are straight but exhibit many qualities of men who are gay) and straight women who challenge social norms and are more powerful and masculine that what others may accept. (And I have to stick my two cents in here. I have many friends who are powerful women. And I claim among them my sisters, Becky, Vicy, and Vicy’s partner, Alex. Among these three, my sister Becky is straight and is an awesome powerful woman who I cherish and wish I could borrow that power at times)

So, what does any of this mean to me and my coming out experience? Well, for lack of a better term I see myself as being GAY. Do I fit the stereotypical roles of what it means to be gay? No. But, then I don’t think anyone really does. Am I really bisexual? Based on the definition I stated above, yes! Because I have the capability to love all people. But, from a purely sexual point of view, I am attracted to men and so that makes me all the more gay than bisexual. So, am I a “B”? Yes. Am I not a “B”? Yes. Ultimately the question to ask is, does such a label really change who the person is? And that answer is no. - Blessings to you all!

P.S. Thanks Trav for the Idea!