DEPRESSION! THE INSIDEOUS DARKNESS!

I am currently battling some depression right now for a multitude of reasons. It isn't that my meds aren't working. It is mostly sitiational.

Yesterday was the 20 anniversary of Kate's memorial service. 8 days ago was the 20th anniversary of her colapsing at the stove because, unbeknownst to me at the time, she shot a blood clot to her lung which stopped her breathing. Needless to say, there is some major trauma I still remember vividly from that exact moment, some of which I may never get answers to until I pass away. And yes, I am on the verge of some tears at this moment just thinking about this. 11 days ago, we would have celebrated our 29th anniversary of marriage if she was still alive.

I am also dealing with some disrespect from a certain someone who seems to believe that they do more for the family unit I currently abide in, than I do. Apparently, them sleeping all day is benefitting the household much more than me washing dishes, me trying to clean up around the house, me cleaning the disgusting toilet which they can't even help with. And to people who know me, yes I am fighting ferosiously inside my head to NOT give into the BPD qualities that I try to hide from everyone. 

Add to all of this the current state of our country, the hatred, bigotry, and vehemnence directed to me by those in power and authority, the old tapes in my head that never really were deleted from before the last hospitalization, a.k.a. "I am worthless," "I am a burden on everyone," "I can't do anything right, anything good, any of benefit," this is a short list. I am so tired of working through my list of coping skills, because I feel like I am getting nowhere very fast! 

This is what I battle, and surprize, I am actually higher functioning than others I know. So, if I am feeling this way, how is everyone else feeling. 

Well, enough of my pity party, time to get back to laundry, packing, and whatever else, I have on my schedule today.

20260510.001 – A BLOG LONG OVERDUE!

 20260510.001 – A BLOG LONG OVERDUE!

We have a plethora of sayings that are centered around time. And a small subset of those sayings are the sayings talking about being late. “I’m a day late and a dollar short,” comes to mind. To be honest, I usually am a dollar short in one way or another (because of my own poor personal accounting) but I am not always late. But if I look back at the number of times I have said “I really need to write a Blog post,” I am horridly late in that respect. Of course, one could easily ask, “Why do you need to write a Blog post?” I have several answers to respond to that particular questions. I know that “Blogging/Journaling” can be beneficial for mental health and mental wellbeing, I know that putting thought to paper (or in this case to screen) will help in breaking down what issues I tend to ruminate about, but most importantly I would have to say, “I need to record something – ANYTHING – for posterity sake!” Not that what I write is all that important, but it does allow the reader to walk through my mind and see the inner workings of a gay man in his early 60’s who also battles depression, anxiety, diabetes, and struggling with weight issues. On those last two points, my diabetes is currently controlled by diet and supplements. I am on the keto diet and I am taking Ceylon cinnamon every day. While my ketones were low over the last two days, (0.8 & 1.0 respectively) my afternoon blood glucose readings have been90 on both days. And my weight has been hovering around the 220 lbs. mark. My general feelings of anxiety include the frustration of dealing with a messy house which I take full responsibility for, the various tasks from work that I feel I am always missing (there are only so many balls I can juggle at any given time, and I have never been very good at juggling in the first place), and the very deep need of “play” that I know would benefit my mental wellness but I need to do some computer learning so I can then move back to the playing! (I know that is far more cryptic that it needs to be, suffice to say, I need to learn the “ins and outs” of the free music generation software on my computer so that I can go back to writing music.) As for my depression, I think I am doing quite well in that modality. Yes, I know I will always have depression with me, but it is most definitely lesser, and with my current medication that I take and what coping skills I practice all work together to help greatly! As “Reader’s Digest” states, “Laughter is the best medicine!” I will admit, for the issues of being a 62 year old gay man, it is rather disconcerting in this country right now. With the onslaught of the MAGAts, the Trumper-ters, basically anyone and everyone who is falling in line with the current NAZI political clime, I know my days are numbered on this earth, I just don’t know when or where “the ax will fall!” I just know that if the current “regime” isn’t removed, the life of my friends and I will be greatly limited if not completely removed. And yes, that adds to my depression, my anxiety, and the uncertainty of the future. Well, until the dawning of that fateful day, you all take care, be as well as you possibly can be, and know that you are ALL PEOPLE OF VALUE AND WORTH! #Depression, #Anxiety, #Gay, #NAZI, #MAGAts, #LookingTowardTheEndTime, #WhenWillTheAxFall

20240618.0001 - FINDING COMMON GROUND:

I need help and guidance from my more open-minded friends across the political aisle on the right.

How do I find common ground to those on the right and far right when they think I should NOT exist, when they think I am evil incarnate, when they think that the Divine Creator couldn't possibly have made me the way I am? In other words, what is the middle ground of being and not being?

And to really go out on a limb here, what is the middle ground of allow women the same freedoms as men (freedom to vote, freedom to control their own body, freedom to survive) or taking away those freedoms? Is there even a middle ground between having freedoms and not having freedoms? If we are supposed to be "THE LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE," but we actually REMOVE the freedom from a class or group of people, are we even living up to being the land of the free?

To be blunt, every one of the issues that I feel the need to take a stand on seems to come down to either life or death. Women having the right to control their own bodies or dying because Drs won't do an emergency operation because it crosses into abortive actions. People in the LGBTQ+ Community having the right to live or being denied that right which we have already seen people taking their own life or others killing us. What about basic education and allowing trained educators to teach without the threat of being jailed and without the threat of having their salaries cut to the bone! Or how about those same educators who never signed up to be adult human shields to the children in their protection.

Do children have the basic human right to live instead of being gunned down by hateful people? What is the middle ground on this issue? Isn't even one child dying one too many? Apparently, it isn't too many to those who hold the purse strings and the control!  

I don't even want to approach the ridiculousness of refusing to give school children free lunches, universal healthcare, affordable housing, livable wages, and so many other issues that it makes my head swim. So, how do I find common ground? How do I bridge the gap and cross the aisle and be able to say we can meet in the middle, when I can't see the middle of being or not being? Help? Please?

20240420.0001 - RUMINATING ON GRIEF

As many of you may know, I lost my soulmate back in 2006 to a blood clot to their lung. As I noted to my dad about three days after Kate passed, “The pain from this grief is something so horrible that I do not wish even my worst enemy to experience, but the love I had for my soulmate that predates this pain is something that I wish upon the entire world!” It was about 3 years after Kate’s passing that I read the most profound statement. “Grief is the pain one experience of having such intense love for someone but nowhere for that love to go.” While I do realize that in my spiritual walk I will see Kate again one day, and that my love can be poured out to the Universe so that she can still feel it now, the physical feeling of not being able to tangibly hug, hold, and kiss is still near unbearable these eighteen years that have passed from that moment when I first expressed this to my dad.

So, the events of this past week have hit me rather hard and triggered me in a way that I did not expect. Rob Yost, a co-worker of mine at NAMI Kansas and one I considered a friend, also passed to the next experience from his life here on earth. While I did not know Rob to the depth that I knew my beloved Kate, I now look back on our togetherness as co-workers and friends and wish I knew more about his life. And this is not just a one and done deal. One of my loves and struggles is to learn history. I love it because it shares such unique experiences of times long past. I struggle with it because I discover pieces and slivers of people that I earnestly wish I could have met and befriended.

I recently read an excerpt on Harriet Tubman and realize the immense beauty that woman harbored. How sad it is to live a life now without knowing her as a close friend. Or to go back even further in history to the day and month of my birth but the year being 1706. How I long to have befriended my twin in a different century, Benjamin Franklin. Yes, what little I know of him I know he was quite quirky and strange at times, but yet so fascinating and ingenious. How could one NOT want to befriend him?

I could go on with so many others, but it still comes to the simple truth that these souls who I have missed in time and space have encouraged and empowered me in ways I may never fully comprehend. It is almost overwhelming for me to realize the immense tapestry that is this Universe past, present, and future and all who have, do and will occupy it with me have profound thoughts and truths to share and I may not discover them all in my lifetime.

So, where does this culminate? It all comes back to the very essence of the Divine – LOVE! Yes, my love for Kate was so amazing and mind-blowing that I could not even begin to explain it to completion, but that same love in its unique variance of friendship touches so many in my life that it is just as mind-blowing as my love for Kate. It is just a different flavor. I guess what I want to conclude with is that those of you who are reading this and consider yourself my friend in one way or another, please reach out to me, share with me yourself, your memories, your thoughts, your hopes and dreams, and in that sharing we both will be enriched to yet a greater degree than anyone can imagine. Be blessed, be loved, be graced in all that you do because just like me, you are a person of immense value and worth!

David E Larson

20230425.0004 - DEALING WITH TRAUMA PART 1 - GREAT CLIPS INDUCES TRAUMA

To whom it may concern,

I will NEVER go to a “Great Clips” as long as I live and I will actively work to discourage family, friends, colleagues, and the general public to stay away from, boycott, and refuse service from ANY AND ALL franchises of Great Clips. Below is the description of why!

I have a very good friend in Manhattan, Kansas who has enjoyed being a patron to the Great Clips located at 100 Bluemont Ave #A for many years. My friend takes their mental health VERY seriously, partly because of their current work environment which does what other organizations and businesses should have been doing all along – realizing that MENTAL HEALTH IS PHYSICAL HEALTH! Because of this earnestness to uplift one’s own mental health and to self-advocate for one’s own mental health, my friend felt they needed to have a haircut/hairstyle while they were attending a meeting with their therapist. Since their therapist’s location was closer to 840 Commons Pl, the therapist strongly encouraged my friend to go to the closer Great Clips instead of traveling across town, which my friend has come to trust their therapist and so followed that advice.

The end result was disastrous! Not only did the stylist butcher and destroy my friend’s hair (because they were not paying attention to directions from my friend, from what I understand), the stylist started to trim my friend’s eyebrows WITHOUT a request or consent to do so from my friend.

Let me take a pause here to explain a few points that apparently your stylists and franchise owners do not seem to be aware of. At least this particular stylist and the resulting franchise owner in Manhattan, Kansas doesn’t seem to understand. The bond of friendship and trust between one’s stylist and oneself is a very important bond. Anytime trust is placed into the hands of a stylist by a person, that stylist MUST work extra hard to maintain that trust and to build a stronger relationship with it. Any deviation from that trust and the vulnerability that has been offered by that person is equal to the actions of hatred and malice that is often found in our current aberrant society and culture. Furthermore, as much as our society and culture wish to “reclaim” the LEAVE-IT-TO-BEAVER modality and ignore the reality of today, we live in a society and culture where people have been abused, raped, sexually molested, and then treated as if they are to blame for the evil actions of their attacker. Such is the life that my friend has been subjected to. Among my friend’s list of traumas include physical, mental, and emotional abuses. And anyone who has participated in any trauma informed care would understand that this basic list of trauma affects and reacts to one’s psyche in numerous mental health struggles and issues. Such is the lived experience of my friend.

So, based on what has happened to my friend just from the careless acts of the stylist, it should be obvious to you, if you have any compassion or understanding of trauma, they have had deep wounds ripped open and they are now in a mental health crisis. But your stylist is not the only perpetrator in this reintroduction of trauma to my friend. The franchise owner has apparently banned my friend from using your services, including the stylist that they have always worked with and had built up trust with at the 100 Bluemont Ave #A location. A police officer has call my friend and noted that if they set foot into ANY Great Clips, they will be arrested for trespassing. Still further, the franchise owner has convicted my friend of extortion because they were earnestly trying to self-advocate by delivering a letter to the owner. A side note: the attendant claimed that the owner was out for the day repeatedly when my friend asked to see the owner so that they could hand deliver the letter directly to the owner. When my friend and their friend left the place, the attendant proceeded to read the letter intended for the owner ONLY to anyone and everyone at the salon. I am sure that with a franchise owner, attendants, and stylists like those I have described, you should be able to understand the continued trauma that they are forcing on unaware persons of society both who make the mistake of visiting the salon and those who experience the struggles of mental health in the real world.

This tells me that your franchise owner in Manhattan, Kansas does NOT want to recognize and realize the fact that trauma is real and rampant in our culture, they DO NOT CARE for their clientele, they are not willing to participate or work with anyone who has experience trauma – not even to host and attend any “Trauma Informed Care” seminars for their employees or themselves, and they only care about the green paper that they hope to fill their pockets with!

Since they only care about money, as I am sure you do as well, then it only seems right to actively boycott and undermine the Great Clips Company nationally. Maybe when you start seeing your profits and your clientele leave, you will realize that trauma is real, that people today deal with this horror every moment of their lives, and that such a careless business as yours has no place in our world today. And, this is NOT extortion. This is simply a promise because no amount of money, no "free coupons:, no fake acts of kindness or concern can heal the trauma already inflicted on my friend!

May you have the day and life that you deserve and that you have dumped onto others! In other words, may Karma haunt you for the rest of your existence!

20221208.0003 AN OPEN LETTER TO MY COUNTRY!

To whom is may concern, my family, my friends, and my country, 

So, I am a very lucky man. I am currently sitting in a very comfortable recliner at an infusion center to receive iron infusions because I am apparentmlly anemic. I have had quite a journey getting here. I have had multiple health issues arise, I got to start seeing a Dr in September of 2021, because I finally became full time with the non-profit I work for. And because of the various medical issues that have arisen, the Dr's visits, the hospitalizations, the medication, my medical bills are in excess of $1000.00, but I  can afford that. I have a good job, a good home, friends, family, and food and so I am being blessed by the creator of the universe. But this letter is not about my medical ills or woes, ... well, not exactly. 

You see, I was listening to that < sarcasm switch on > horribly liberal < sarcasm switch off > radio station NPR on the way to my infusion and they were interviewing an EMT who had been dealing with mental health issues and burnout because of the work he had been doing during the pandemic. Well, this broadcast touched my heart because the non-profit I work for is a mental health non-profit! 

The man being interviewed have a rather graphic description of his struggle with suicide and how far he had gone in the action. The interviewer asked if hospitalization would have helped? And the man said for him it may have, but the countless others who are battling mental health issues, suicidality, low wages or no wages, housing instability or homelessness, lack of health-care, lack of food security, lack of ALL of those items that fulfill Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, those people it won't help because THEY NEED MORE! (Please note that is my paraphrase of what he said) At any rate, it got me thinking and this is the result, and the purpose behind this open letter to everyone! 

I realize that there are those politicians and political figures who will scream at me for what I am about to write. FINE! GO AHEAD! I AM READY FOR IT! But I have some words for you and ALL OF THOSE WHO SIDE WITH YOU! And here they are! 

I have been homeless, I  have been jobless, I have been without insurance, I have been without anything and I am thoroughly blessed now, so I know a thing or two. I know what will help "those" people, the people who are the lost ones, the people the EMT talked about and in turn all of us in this great nation of ours. We need to offer help at the federal level in the form of food security, medical security and help, mental health security and support, housing security, livable wages, universal health-care, I think you get the picture, right? AND HERE ARE THE WORDS FOR THOSE WHO SCREAM WE CAN'T DO THIS, WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY, WE DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES! THE SIMPLE ANSWER IS YES WE DO. THE MONEY IS IN THE POCKETS OF ALL OF YOU, THE POLITICIANS WHO HAVE MILKED THE PUBLIC, ALL OF THE CORPORATE ROBBER BARONS, THE INSURANCE CEO'S, THOSE BEING PAID HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN WALKING ON THE BACKS OF THOSE WHO STRUGGLE TO BREATHE, THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN TURNING AWAY FROM THEIR BROTHERS AND SISTERS DYING FROM THE LACK OF LIFE SUSTAINING RESOURCES! YOU AND THOSE WHO SIDE WITH YOU ARE KILLING THOSE WHO HAVE LOST ALL HOPE TO LIVE. YOU HAVE BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS! YOU BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENTS, YOU ARE TO BLAME! 

If you want to know how to solve most if not all of the problems currently facing our country, it comes down to the people who are hoarding money and those supporting and following them into the political arena to claim with false purity and lies that "we don't have the funds!"

If you want to know some Christian Scripture that supports all of this, I suggest you look into the writings from the Prophet Amos! 

Amos 2:1-8 "Thus saith the Lord; For three transgressions of Judah, and for four, I will not turn away the punishment thereof; because they have despised the law of the Lord , and have not kept his commandments, and their lies caused them to err, after the which their fathers have walked:but I will send a fire upon Judah, and it shall devour the palaces of Jerusalem.Thus saith the Lord; For three transgressions of Israel, and for four, I will not turn away the punishment thereof; because they sold the righteous for silver, and the poor for a pair of shoes;that pant after the dust of the earth on the head of the poor, and turn aside the way of the meek: and a man and his father will go in unto the same maid, to profane my holy name:and they lay themselves down upon clothes laid to pledge by every altar, and they drink the wine of the condemned in the house of their god."  http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Amos2:4-8&version=AKJV

And also, Amos 4:1-8, "Hear this word, ye kine of Bashan, that are in the mountain of Samaria, which oppress the poor, which crush the needy, which say to their masters, Bring, and let us drink.The Lord God hath sworn by his holiness, that, lo, the days shall come upon you, that he will take you away with hooks, and your posterity with fishhooks.And ye shall go out at the breaches, every cow at that which is before her; and ye shall cast them into the palace, saith the Lord.Come to Beth-el, and transgress; at Gilgal multiply transgression; and bring your sacrifices every morning, and your tithes after three years:and offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving with leaven, and proclaim and publish the free offerings: for this liketh you, O ye children of Israel, saith the Lord God.And I also have given you cleanness of teeth in all your cities, and want of bread in all your places: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the Lord.And also I have withholden the rain from you, when there were yet three months to the harvest: and I caused it to rain upon one city, and caused it not to rain upon another city: one piece was rained upon, and the piece whereupon it rained not withered.So two or three cities wandered unto one city, to drink water; but they were not satisfied: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the Lord." http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Amos4:1-8&version=AKJV

YOU WANT TO CLAIM YOUR HOLINESS? YOU WANT TO CLAIM YOUR RIGHTEOUSNESS?  YOU WANT TO CLAIM YOUR PURITY? THEN TAKE ACTION, EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, AND MAKE A CHANGE! 

- ENOUGH SAID!

BEING SOCIAL ON MEDIA - 20221120

So, I am here at the laundromat doing laundry. I scanned FaceBook (or as some of my friends are calling it "Fascist Book," I scanned Instagram, haven't looked at Twitter or TikTok yet, but I will eventually. But, I am posting because I haven't done so in quite some time and because of a discussion I had when I  was volunteering at the Alternative Gift Market on Novrmbet 12th.

As I sat at my table sharing with people who walked by about the charity that the craft group had chosen to support, I struck up a conversation with the two teen seniors on my right. I asked about what their plans were for their future and other small talk points. But then I asked, "what social media platform do you find you spend the most time on?" I discovered a lot in the answers they gave.  They didn't really mention Face Book at all, they didn't like Twitter for the same reason Iam questioning its usefulness - namely the new "owner!" And they find they spend a majority of their time on TikTok.

I will admit that I do enjoy my TikTok account. I  don't have that many videos up, but I do have some dueted videos that I think are important and I am proud of. By the way,  my TikTok handle is @davidelarson if you want to go hunting for me. 

And while I am passing this media connection, here are a few more: 

YOUTUBE:  @TYEDYEGYE1

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tyedyegye

Instagram: delarson67217

Twitter deleting it as of the posting of this BLOG 

Tribel: http://tribel.app.link/okwPIHYCIqb. 

(David Larson)

So, these are all connections to various social media, but the question I have is, "Are we really social when we are on these platforms?" What I mean by this is, are we acting social and civil when we post and when we comment? I try, but I will confess that I fail at times. I am deleting Twitter for various reasons, but one reason is clear. With a certain ex-president coming back (because the "new" owner wants him back) there will be more of his ranting and raving and more of his ilk ranging and raving. This leads to those of opposing views ranting and raving and I know for myself, that isn't healthy (mental health wise!) I also struggle with that of Facebook, both because I have certain views that I feel are moral battlefields, and I have certain friends that tend toward the contrary of those views. I  don't want to offend them and I  don't want to give them a chance to offend me. 

This doesn't mean that I don't debate anything, but I have learned, at least somewhat, that everyone should pick which battles they are going to fight in their life, and which battles they will turn their back on and walk away. 

So, all of this leads me to ask a few other questions for my readers (and myself).

- What boundaries have you set for yourselves in dealing with social media? 

- What are your battlefields? 

- How successful are you in maintaining your boundaries? 

- What are the cues that help you realize you have either crossed those boundaries or you need to move or strengthen those boundaries? 

- Finally, what topics are your hardened mores? (I.E. abortion, religion, politics, love, compassion, etc)

There are many more questions one can ask and struggle with concerning this topic. So one final bonus question is, what would you ask of me, if you were in my shoes? With that, I will end this long overdue BLOG POST. Be blessed and take care! 

- David E Larson