I am currently battling some depression right now for a multitude of reasons. It isn't that my meds aren't working. It is mostly sitiational.
Yesterday was the 20 anniversary of Kate's memorial service. 8 days ago was the 20th anniversary of her colapsing at the stove because, unbeknownst to me at the time, she shot a blood clot to her lung which stopped her breathing. Needless to say, there is some major trauma I still remember vividly from that exact moment, some of which I may never get answers to until I pass away. And yes, I am on the verge of some tears at this moment just thinking about this. 11 days ago, we would have celebrated our 29th anniversary of marriage if she was still alive.
I am also dealing with some disrespect from a certain someone who seems to believe that they do more for the family unit I currently abide in, than I do. Apparently, them sleeping all day is benefitting the household much more than me washing dishes, me trying to clean up around the house, me cleaning the disgusting toilet which they can't even help with. And to people who know me, yes I am fighting ferosiously inside my head to NOT give into the BPD qualities that I try to hide from everyone.
Add to all of this the current state of our country, the hatred, bigotry, and vehemnence directed to me by those in power and authority, the old tapes in my head that never really were deleted from before the last hospitalization, a.k.a. "I am worthless," "I am a burden on everyone," "I can't do anything right, anything good, any of benefit," this is a short list. I am so tired of working through my list of coping skills, because I feel like I am getting nowhere very fast!
This is what I battle, and surprize, I am actually higher functioning than others I know. So, if I am feeling this way, how is everyone else feeling.
Well, enough of my pity party, time to get back to laundry, packing, and whatever else, I have on my schedule today.
