DEPRESSION! THE INSIDEOUS DARKNESS!

I am currently battling some depression right now for a multitude of reasons. It isn't that my meds aren't working. It is mostly sitiational.

Yesterday was the 20 anniversary of Kate's memorial service. 8 days ago was the 20th anniversary of her colapsing at the stove because, unbeknownst to me at the time, she shot a blood clot to her lung which stopped her breathing. Needless to say, there is some major trauma I still remember vividly from that exact moment, some of which I may never get answers to until I pass away. And yes, I am on the verge of some tears at this moment just thinking about this. 11 days ago, we would have celebrated our 29th anniversary of marriage if she was still alive.

I am also dealing with some disrespect from a certain someone who seems to believe that they do more for the family unit I currently abide in, than I do. Apparently, them sleeping all day is benefitting the household much more than me washing dishes, me trying to clean up around the house, me cleaning the disgusting toilet which they can't even help with. And to people who know me, yes I am fighting ferosiously inside my head to NOT give into the BPD qualities that I try to hide from everyone. 

Add to all of this the current state of our country, the hatred, bigotry, and vehemnence directed to me by those in power and authority, the old tapes in my head that never really were deleted from before the last hospitalization, a.k.a. "I am worthless," "I am a burden on everyone," "I can't do anything right, anything good, any of benefit," this is a short list. I am so tired of working through my list of coping skills, because I feel like I am getting nowhere very fast! 

This is what I battle, and surprize, I am actually higher functioning than others I know. So, if I am feeling this way, how is everyone else feeling. 

Well, enough of my pity party, time to get back to laundry, packing, and whatever else, I have on my schedule today.

20260510.001 – A BLOG LONG OVERDUE!

 20260510.001 – A BLOG LONG OVERDUE!

We have a plethora of sayings that are centered around time. And a small subset of those sayings are the sayings talking about being late. “I’m a day late and a dollar short,” comes to mind. To be honest, I usually am a dollar short in one way or another (because of my own poor personal accounting) but I am not always late. But if I look back at the number of times I have said “I really need to write a Blog post,” I am horridly late in that respect. Of course, one could easily ask, “Why do you need to write a Blog post?” I have several answers to respond to that particular questions. I know that “Blogging/Journaling” can be beneficial for mental health and mental wellbeing, I know that putting thought to paper (or in this case to screen) will help in breaking down what issues I tend to ruminate about, but most importantly I would have to say, “I need to record something – ANYTHING – for posterity sake!” Not that what I write is all that important, but it does allow the reader to walk through my mind and see the inner workings of a gay man in his early 60’s who also battles depression, anxiety, diabetes, and struggling with weight issues. On those last two points, my diabetes is currently controlled by diet and supplements. I am on the keto diet and I am taking Ceylon cinnamon every day. While my ketones were low over the last two days, (0.8 & 1.0 respectively) my afternoon blood glucose readings have been90 on both days. And my weight has been hovering around the 220 lbs. mark. My general feelings of anxiety include the frustration of dealing with a messy house which I take full responsibility for, the various tasks from work that I feel I am always missing (there are only so many balls I can juggle at any given time, and I have never been very good at juggling in the first place), and the very deep need of “play” that I know would benefit my mental wellness but I need to do some computer learning so I can then move back to the playing! (I know that is far more cryptic that it needs to be, suffice to say, I need to learn the “ins and outs” of the free music generation software on my computer so that I can go back to writing music.) As for my depression, I think I am doing quite well in that modality. Yes, I know I will always have depression with me, but it is most definitely lesser, and with my current medication that I take and what coping skills I practice all work together to help greatly! As “Reader’s Digest” states, “Laughter is the best medicine!” I will admit, for the issues of being a 62 year old gay man, it is rather disconcerting in this country right now. With the onslaught of the MAGAts, the Trumper-ters, basically anyone and everyone who is falling in line with the current NAZI political clime, I know my days are numbered on this earth, I just don’t know when or where “the ax will fall!” I just know that if the current “regime” isn’t removed, the life of my friends and I will be greatly limited if not completely removed. And yes, that adds to my depression, my anxiety, and the uncertainty of the future. Well, until the dawning of that fateful day, you all take care, be as well as you possibly can be, and know that you are ALL PEOPLE OF VALUE AND WORTH! #Depression, #Anxiety, #Gay, #NAZI, #MAGAts, #LookingTowardTheEndTime, #WhenWillTheAxFall