20101027.016 ACT OF DESPERATION, ACT OF VIOLENCE

20101027.016 ACT OF DESPERATION, ACT OF VIOLENCE

The date was July 12, 2008. I had got off work the night before and went to my parents to talk to them and cry. It had been a rough day at work, but it was more than that. It was far more than that. I had felt attacked at work. I had felt attacked by the people at the church. I had felt attacked by everyone and everything. And all I could do was cry. And that is what I did. When I asked my questions of mom and dad and got no response, I calmed down and realized that a good night’s sleep would do me some good. Besides, I had to be to work at 11 in the morning and so I headed home to sleep. I got up in the morning feel pretty much the same - everyone was out to get me and I had no way of striking back. I called a friend and headed to the church to talk to her before I headed to work. When I got there, I simply broke down and wept. And I couldn’t stop. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to do something to take away the pain. I wanted to come out of the closet at the church. I wanted to tell all those people who were attacking me in one way or another just how evil they were and what they were doing to me. My friend realized how low I was and knew that I probably couldn’t be trusted to drive myself to work. So she took me to my mom & dad’s house and we called my doctor. A long story short - I was then admitted to the emergency room at St. Joseph hospital and then taken to Good Shepherd because of fear that I was going to harm myself in some way.

That was my experience with a suicide attempt. True, I never actually attempted it, but I was getting very close. The reason I bring all of this up and rehash it, is because I recently went to visit a friend at Good Shepherd. They also had threatened suicide and family members did the best they could do, which was to have my friend admitted to Good Shepherd. But, after visiting with her, I came to understand something about the human psyche that pushes someone to the point of either threatening suicide or committing suicide. And that is what I want to share with you in this BLOG.

Recently, Dan Savage and his campaign to stop teen suicide has received a lot of attention. The “IT GETS BETTER PROJECT” has been receiving tons and tons of videos of people telling those who might feel the need to self terminate, to, instead, stick around longer, because it gets better. And, although I don’t feel like my life is in a very good place, I still am running on the hope that it will, in fact, get better. It is a great campaign and I would encourage who ever is reading this to go to YOUTUBE and search on “IT GETS BETTER” and watch many of the videos because they are done by some wonderful caring people who have been there, who have threaten or attempted suicide, and who had lived past the blackest part of their lives to find the brightest of rainbows on the other side of that darkness. [ Actually, I will give the link at the end of this BLOG] I have watch many of the videos and the care and compassion of the people making those videos is heart warming and wonderful. And, as much as I want to make a video for the project, I’m not sure I can say with any certainty that it get’s better, . . . yet! I believe it will eventually, but I am not there yet. Besides, I have come to realize what it is that drove me to my point of wanting to self terminate as well as what drove my friend to that point. And that is what this BLOG is really about.

It is true that when you are condemned and demeaned, ridiculed and attacked in verbal or physical ways, you get to a point of desperation where you want it to end. I know being part of the GLBTQIA community is very difficult and the attacks seem endless. In fact, before I sat down to write this BLOG I received a message from someone who saw one of my comments on one of the IT GETS BETTER VIDEOS. Their message to me was, “you're not a Christian, you're a faggot!” It use to be that I would have been really hurt by such a statement, but I have been able to move past it. But the point I am trying to make is that when you hit rock bottom and you feel like more rocks are being dumped on you, you reach that point of desperation and you want to take the pain away. But, you may also want to strike out as I wanted to and that is yet another facet of suicide. You see, suicide isn’t just an act of taking away the pain. It also carries with it the hope of giving pain, of making those who have hurt you, to hurt just as much if not more. It may not seem logical, but that is what I realized after visiting my friend. Suicide is an act of desperation and an act of violence.

By the way, my friend is not part of the GLBTQIA community, which goes to show this pain shows no partiality to ethnicity, sexual identity, social class, or any of the other myriad ways that we catagorize and segregate ourselves. Because my friend was hurt by someone whom they loved, they responded with a threat to kill themselves, and the person whom they wanted to hurt said, “go ahead, at least I wouldn’t have to deal with you anymore.” Yes, that is the kind of evil we are faced with in this world, where someone threatens a last act of desperation and they are greeted with “go ahead”. That is just plain evil.

So how should we respond? Well, the first point to note is that what the people of the IT GETS BETTER PROJECT are doing is on target. We need to explain to those who would try this act of desperation that they are wanted, needed, beautiful creations of the CREATOR GOD. The second point to note is that those who would bully, those who would condemn and demean, those who would be so evil as to encourage such an act of violence as suicide will get their recompense in the end. They will have to answer for their evilness and they will have to come face to face with their own evil acts of karma, which may come back to bite them in their butt. The third point is to tell those who are so desperate that they have so many other options available to them to get even. Taking one’s life will not cause the bullies the pain that we all want them to feel. But making our own life better will heap mountains of burning coals on their very souls! Is that rather vindictive of me? Yes! But I am human just like anyone else, and I have been hurt just like so many who have walked this way before me. And I, too, want those who have hurt me to be hurt in return. But, that is not my job. My job is only to better myself so that others may look and realize just how wrong they were!

For those who want more information on the IT GETS BETTER PROJECT you may click here:

http://www.itgetsbetterproject.com/

or here to watch the many videos:

http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject

and for those who are needing someone to talk to, you may call the TREVOR PROJECT. Their number may be found at the end of the IT GETS BETTER VIDEOS or on the IT GETS BETTER PROJECT web site above.

Blessings to all of you and in all that you may do. - David L.