20100303.006 ON BEING STABBED IN THE BACK

20100303.006 ON BEING STABBED IN THE BACK

I have always been amazed when the movies portray someone being stabbed in the back. In some movies people are portrayed as dying immediately. In other movies there is the linger death. Since I have never been stabbed in the back in the literal sense, I can’t begin to guess which way is the most accurate. I will tell you that in the movie DUNE (director David Lynch) the images that stayed with me are when the Shadout Mapes and the Doctor are both stabbed in the back. In both images there appears lots of pain and they are still trying to get out what they needed to say. Nonetheless, the stabbing is crippling and they fall to the floor.

As I mentioned, I have never been stabbed in the back in the literal sense, but there have been times that I feel the virtual knife begin to poke me in the back. As of late I have been dealing with a lot of depression (and I mean A LOT!) And part of the depression is just me and what my body is doing (or rather NOT doing) with the chemicals that surround my brain. But part of that depression is also in knowing that no one has my back as it were. Now, before my many true friends feel hurt or slighted, I do know that you have my back and I appreciate that. But, there are times in life when we each must walk the journey alone. And, hard as you may try, you cannot be there for me. It just isn’t possible. And those are the times I am talking about. One of those times is in facing those people who for some reason or another hate me within the church. I am dealing with that currently. Hence, the reason for this BLOG (which is really long over due).

So I received a call from someone yesterday who passed on information about someone in the church who is writing letters to my higher ups, as it were. I say “as it were” because, in the Disciples of Christ, we really don’t have higher ups. We have a horizontal church. And that is one of the great things I LOVE about the DOC denomination. However, it also leads to the whole issue of having to walk that journey alone. You see, in other denominations that are more structured, my higher ups would be able to sit on me if I began to get out of line. But, also they could go to bat for me and tell any trouble makers that “they” (the trouble makers) needed to shut up and get out. In the DOC, they can only make suggestions. In both cases. But that means that ultimately I have to walk the journey alone when it comes to dealing with the trouble makers in the church. And this last rounder has really tired me out. I just don’t think I can do it anymore.

And so, in allusion to the title of the BLOG, I am feeling like I am being stabbed in the back. Of course, in total honesty, I am feeling like there is a line of people waiting to stab me. And each time I hear of something one of my detractors has done, I feel their knife go in. Please note, for what it is worth, I know those of you who are reading this now who are somewhat involved. Please DO NOT feel like I am condemning you. The fact remains, as I mentioned above, that there is only so much you can do. When push comes to shove, I still need to face it alone. I realize that the ones who are doing the stabbing honestly think they are doing God’s will. And for that they are to be pitied because in reality they are doing some of the most evil actions available. Some of the greatest evil has been wrought because people thought they were doing good.

The long and short of all of this is that there is only so much any one person can take. And I am nearing the end of my energies. Although I realize that God may be doing great things through all of this, I may have to quit before such great things are brought to fruition. And that means that the church will suffer, and other friends of mine will suffer all because I couldn’t wait it out. What I am saying is, there comes a time when eventually you say “enough is enough” and you put a shield on your back, or you simple step into another room where you are separated from the ones doing the stabbing.

Now, a couple of loose ends to tie up. First off, I am sure that those reading this BLOG are thinking, “Oh no! He is going to self-terminate” No, I am not going to do something like that. Although, I will confess that I prayer to God that he just take me away from the earth right now because I seem to be causing trouble everywhere I go! What I am talking about is the fact that I have a break coming up, because the Pastoral Relations Committee has requested I take one. The plan is for me to start my break April 18th. However, I honestly don’t feel like I can last that long. I am feeling like I want to step into the pulpit on 3/7 and say, “Enough is enough. I can’t take any more of this. I’m leaving” The problem is that this causes hurt and pain to a lot of people and I am feeling guilty about causing such pain.

Another loose end that needs to be tied up is my frustrations in dealing with a certain group that I have been a part of as a hobby. As strange as it is, they are going through similar problems. The end result is, I have already stepped out of working with them. Of course, dealing with a hobby and dealing with a vocation are two extreme differences. I have stepped out of participating with them, but that doesn’t mean I have really dealt with all the politics and back stabbing that they are doing as well. And sooner or later I will have to deal with that also. At this point in my life, I just want it to be later rather than sooner (much later, like within the next century, ha ha).

So, do I have a solutions to being stabbed in the back? Not really. The only solution that I can see is pulling myself out of the equation. And that is what I am going to eventually end up doing. The question comes done to how much more can I deal with it all? And the answer? Only God knows! - Blessings all - DL