What does it mean when someone says, “That doesn’t define who I am,” or “This is what defines me?” Quite simply, it means that one is explained through a series of qualities and choices. So, the definition is rather simple, but to list the qualities and choices is a greater task by far. Recently, at one of my therapy sessions, I was faced with the issue of defining who I am verses what I do and therefore was given the arduous task of being defined. And it was painful and laborious! (And still is!) One wouldn’t think it should be so difficult, but it requires lots of soul searching and introspection. And time! I took about a month to complete my list and I am sure that if I really thought about it I could spend even more time and energy to add to my list.
Some of the qualities that define who I am are as follows. I am 52 years old which makes me middle aged. I pride myself on the art of paper folding, which means that I do origami. I am Christian. I am gay. I am male. And I am rather proud of my ability to compose music. Of these qualities, let me touch on a few of them below.
I am gay. First off, let me note that being gay is not an action. It is not something I do. It is a quality. And it isn’t a choice. It is like a thread that is woven in the tapestry that I call my life. I think about things in a gay way, feel feelings in a gay way, and experience life as a gay male. I know there are many people who would disagree with me, but this is how I understand my life. I can’t understand how a straight male understands life. I can try to understand but after everything is said and done, I still see life from the eyes of a gay man. When I was 4 years old, I remember clearly running through the house and stopping to realizing that I am somehow different than my two brothers and my sister. I didn’t have a name for that difference until 6th grade. But, back then I knew there was something different about me. And that difference still remains
I am Christian. Unlike being gay, being Christian is a choice. A choice that I made when I was about 10 years old. It is a choice that I have questioned many times through my life but I still come back to the belief that is Christian. Being Christian makes sense to me. Even though I happen to accept other faith beliefs and realize that others may not fit with the ideas of Christianity, I do fit with it and so I gladly call myself a Christian. Some people may question how I can be gay and a Christian at the same time. Trust me, I struggle with the internal voices that I have grown up with, the voices of condemnation and ridicule are never too far from me and the louder those in society spew their hatred, the more pain I feel and struggle with. But, as I noted earlier, I can’t see myself following any other faith journey.
I am a musician. I speak the metaphorical and poetic language of music, and when I compose a piece of music, my soul is given a voice to sing. I can’t imagine what life would be like without the language of music to give it voice. It must be what a painter feels when they look at something and can express it in the hues and tones of paint. And to live without that language must be what real silence is like.
But just like this is only the tip of the iceberg that is David, I will continue in seeking to understand myself and define who and what I am. And I would be interested of those of you who know me and those of you who don’t to comment on what you think of my definition. And, as I have mentioned many times before, Blessing be with you always. -- David L.
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You are a servant of God. Whether or not you are standing behind the pulpit, you still have the calling for service and without fully realizing it, continue to answer. You are a friend and share a compassion for your friends very few seem to have any longer. And you are a fighter. You battle with your particular brand of demons daily. We all struggle with out demons; our insecurities; our self-loathing and doubt; and that voice inside telling us what a failure we are, but every day you battle against those demons and that makes you a fighter. Love you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Michelle
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