20110607.006 I THINK YOU ARE BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE . . .

20110607.006 I THINK YOU ARE BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE . . .


Yes!  It is that time of the year again – the time when I remember my soul-mate, the time when I celebrate being married to my best friend, and the time three days later when she drops dead.  For those of you who don't know the whole story let me elaborate.  To begin with, I married my best friend on June 7th.  I did that on purpose.  My mom & dad were married on June 6th. I was ordained June 6th, 1996, and so to help me remember dates, I asked that we marry on June 7th, 1997.  Nine years later, 2006, and we had a great anniversary.  We went to almost every bookstore here in Wichita, had coffee, ate at Pannera Bread for lunch, went to more bookstores and then went home.  And so then on June 9th, Kate got to go to a friend's house and watch her thread her floor loom.  That evening the friend's husband took us out to a wonderful steak dinner.  The next morning, Saturday, we woke up with the intention of moving a new refrigerator into our house.  Life was looking good, the church seemed to be doing OK, we were buying a house, and Kate seemed to be coping with her Systemic Lupus.  But then at about 9:30 am just after my dad had shown up, Kate collapsed in front of the stove. She wasn't breathing, I noticed that her tongue was swollen and I thought she was suffering from an attack of angio-adema which she often got when she came in contact with cigarette smoke. To make a long story short, after I tried to sit her up to help her get air and depressed her tongue with a spoon to open up the airway, my dad came over and tried CPR while I directed the EMS how to get to our house.  EMS came in, attached the defibrillator, shocked her 7 times, loaded her onto the ambulance, rushed her to the hospital. Finally got her heart started.  Transferred her upstairs. And lost her in the process.  


In the past five years I have began the arduous process of coming out of the closet.  Kate knew I was gay before we married, but we were best friends and the reason I married her had nothing to do with sex.  It had everything to do with wanting to be near my best friend.  I have also  tried to change from working as a minister to a telephone computer technician which was a dismal failure because I actually wanted to help the people on the other end of that phone line.  My time per call was too long.  I ended my very short time by having a nervous breakdown. Of course, the fact that my anti-depression medicine had stopped work the beginning of the year was part of the break down, but also I was coming to realize that the world has been defining me by what I do and not by who I am! Furthermore, I have tried to make the ministerial job work by just saying that I wouldn’t hide my sexuality but I also would publically proclaim who I was and how I felt from the pulpit.  The end result of that was people who became my detractors questioning if I was gay and continually undermining everything I did.  Here I was a minister who had an undergraduate degree in Mathematics, with a computer emphasis, a Master’s of Divinity degree (which is a 90 hour degree compared to other master’s degrees that only take 30 to 45 credit hours to complete) and over ten years in the pastoral ministry being told day in and day out that I was a failure, that I was doing ministry wrong, that I was making people angry, that I wasn’t visiting enough people, that I had to make sure the worship service had music in midi format that people could sing but no one was willing to play (I had to encode many pieces of music in myself), Power Point presentations without any errors, a bulletin that guided the people again with out any errors what so ever, and having the failed self esteem of a 40 something year old gay man being told my the general populace that I was a mistake in God’s eyes, all while I was still trying to grieve the loss of my soul mate and coming to the realization that even though I thought I had this amazing connection with Kate, I apparently didn’t because she didn’t communicate with me from the grave. (Yeah, I know, totally wackos!) I won’t even go into the fact that my finances were continually being a draining force on those around me and I was receiving less than a third of what my fellow pastors were receiving for compensation. It is no wonder I cracked when I did.  It is no wonder I resigned when I did.  And it is no wonder I still hold a lot (AND I MEAN A LOT) of resentment!


Because of a friend of my sister, I have adopted a snarky sarcastic saying that is always meant to be absolutely ridiculous.  After someone has ranted and raved about all of the pain and frustration that they have experienced because of some issue, I will often respond with the totally inappropriate response of “I think you’re being passive aggressive and holding in your true emotions!  Why don’t you let them out and tell us how you REALLY feel!”  Such a statement usually receives the gafaw and laugh that it is intended to generate and the people know that I am only kidding with them!  But, this explains what my title is all about!  You see, I AM STILL in a lot of pain, a lot of anger, a lost grief, and a lot of struggle of accepting who I am.  I am far from being able to sluff off all the crap that has been heaped on me.  And so, “YES!  I AM BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE AND I AM HOLDING IN MY TRUE EMOTIONS!” HA HA HA!  


Just once, however, I would like some recognition that “DAMN IT!” I have been through hell and it doesn’t look like life is going to get any better anytime soon!   (And in response to those who would like to ask me if I want some cheese with that whine {wine} the answer is “YES!  A smoked Gouda would be nice!”) Does any of this ranting and raving really accomplish anything?  No!  Unless it is to let people know just where I am at in this mess called my life!


A friend once asked me how I would describe to him just what it was that I was going through and I explained it this way. “Imagine that you have your right arm and your left leg cut off.  And then you are told you have to live as a normal two armed, two legged man!  I am being asked to do the impossible with what I have, all the time being handicapped by what I don’t have.”  So what exactly am I wanting?  Other than having all of my problems and un-communications with God solved, I would like some empathy.  I would like people to understand the kind of hell I am still going through and to share with me any way that they see of how to get out of it!  But what I DON’T want is someone to tell me to just suck it up and get over it!  Because, until you have lived my exact life and you have walked through my exact hell, you have no right to tell me I need to get over it!  Humph!  Passive aggressive my ass!


Blessings to you all! - David L.