20110522.005 AND HERE WE GO AGAIN . . .

20110522.005 AND HERE WE GO AGAIN . . .


Well, BLOG READERS, here is my other BLOG that I was wanting to submit.  This one has probably been fermenting (ruminating) in my mind for some time.  I am just now getting to the point that I either need to set words to paper or I feel that I can adequately describe what it is that I am feeling.  But before I do that, I need to share two things that has happened to me today.


Earlier today I stumbled upon some old files that I didn’t know I had.  I first need to note that my late wife was an avid journalist - as in she would journal about most anything.  Of course when you read her journals you get the feeling that she felt, like so many of us who start and never continue journaling, as if she was a failure. Yes, there are great gaps between her journal entries.  Yet she would still pick up pen and apply to paper and write about her life, her struggles, her loves, her fears, most anything that she was dealing with at the time. Well, I stumbled upon a DVD that had several of her e-journal entries from just before we were married.  And, in finding them I read them.  Of course, I am not sure if it was in reading those entries or if there has just been something lurking under the surface that I have been struggling with, whatever it has been, I am faced now with a lot of emotions.


I just finished watching a movie entitled SHELTER.  A great move that I would recommend you watch.  IT is the typical story line of someone coming to grips with their discovery of being gay and how they deal with their life in the process of it all.  This is really the second time I saw this movie, but these feelings, these internal emotions are much different then when I first watched it, and so, I am faced with the realization that what I am dealing with is greater than just some simple emotional connection with a movie.


So, here it is.  Here are the emotions that I am having and maybe in the writing I can somehow come to grips with what it all means.  I am feeling sad, pained, frustrated, angry, lonely, hurt, vulnerable, lost and confused.  Yes, some of these emotions are feeding on some of the other emotions but they are still valid enough to be named.  Here is the frustration of it all, I am really not sure WHY I feel this way.  Yes, I do see some reasons, but nothing has really changed in my life that I can see would affect me this way, so why these feelings, and why now?


Well, I know I am lonely because I feel like there is no one in the world for me.  And before any of you, my friends, start playing the devil’s advocate, I already know what you are saying.  “You’ve got to put yourself out there to find someone, David.”  And in that case you are correct.  But what lifts this loneliness issue is the base feeling that I have struggled with for so long - being gay.  For those of my followers who are not gay, let me try and explain.  Suppose that you carry a certain cell in your body and you are only allowed to connect, fall in love with, someone with that cell. But, you can’t always tell who has that cell simply by looking at them. And if you ask someone else if they have that cell in their body, you run the risk of being rejected, getting the ship kicked out of you, or killed. It is a scary prospect to say the least.  It makes you want to hide from the world.  And at some point you will come to feel very lonely and that you are never going to rise above such loneliness.  That is how I feel right now.  To add to this, part of me wants to throw caution to the wind knowing full well that I run the risk of getting beat up or even rejected by friends and family. The other part of me wants to take all of this really slow with the hopes that something will come along soon as long as I take things easy and don’t rush into anything.


My sadness could just be my antidepressant not working fully, but just a couple of days earlier I was feeling pretty good.  So, I don’t think that is it.  Of course my anger, frustration, feeling of being lost and confused all stem from my current issues with God.  And because of all of this, I can honestly add sadness to this part of my internal struggles.  I tried to explain to a friend the other night, what exactly I am needing, wanting, feeling, in reference to God.  And at the risk of this part doubling the length of my BLOG, here it is in a nut shell. As a child I always felt a close connection to God.  I know that If I had a problem or and issue to hammer out, I would simply pray and God would give me a dream that explained it all, or rather explained what I could expect.  At some point in my early life, that changed and I stopped having those experiences.  In one respect it is the equivalent of being able to see and then going blind and then longing for that experience to see once again.  I have met many people who have had unique gifts so that they were able to connect with the Divine.  For that matter, my late-wife was one of those.  And she continued to guide me and speak to me when I felt a need to hear God’s voice.  Of course, when she died, that voice was silenced as well.  And so my anger and frustration comes from God not speaking to me or not allowing Kate to speak to me.  And to those who will respond here with “God is speaking you just aren’t listening.”  Remember, I believe God is all powerful which means that God is capable to moved past my “not listening” mode and cause me to listen.  However, I scream, I yell, I sit quietly, I do all that I can do to try and listen and there is NOTHING coming at me!  So, I have to assume that God is not speaking or not allowing Kate to speak.  A side note here, to those who know me, If any of you has a message from Kate or God I would appreciate you sharing.  My only request is that if it is from God, you use the four words that God tells you to use.


I guess my hurt and vulnerable feelings come from the fact that the very one who has created me has chosen not to communicate with me. Especially when we are always told or given to assume that God wants to heard from us and that God will give to us whatever we ask in Christ’s name.


So, where does all of this leave me?  Well, I guess I am stuck because I really don’t know what else to write and yet I am left without any answers! (Which I knew would probably happen!)  I guess, If you have any comments or answers I would appreciate ANY input from all of you! - Blessings in all ways - David L.