20161010.007 FEAR OF . . .

It has been too long! But no better time than the present. So here goes. Last month my Therapist asked me to figure out what I am afraid of.  Since such a task seemed so monumental for me, I decided to ask a trusted friend. And here is what she came up with:

Fear of ... being a failure, being judged, not measuring up to everyone’s expectations of me, being alone, silence of God, being gay and how that is seen in the eyes of the world especially as a pastor, and how I see being gay in general.

There may be even more fear hiding in the dark recesses of my mind, but I think this is a pretty good list to focus on.  So, sit back, sip your coffee, and relax as I tackle each of those fears, or at least try to tackle them.

FEAR OF BEING A FAILURE:
Yes, we all fear failure. And we all fight so hard to not fail.  But one lesson I keep coming to over and over again is that failure is an option.  If you fail it means that you are learning. Because we are supposed to learn lessons from our failures.  So, does it make sense to fear learning?  Only in so far as it can be a painful process!  But as they say, “no pain, no gain!” We have to fail and learn to grow.  So, to face this fear I need to repeat over and over again “LEARN AND GROW.” Because that is what I ultimately need to do.

FEAR OF BEING JUDGED & NOT MEASURING UP TO EVERYONE’S EXPECTATIONS OF ME:
No one likes being judged. And whether of not you measure up to what everyone else wants is part of judging.  But the harshest judge of all is one’s self. And no matter what is happening around me, judging is going to happen.  But I can change the ruler by which I judge/measure myself and I can choose whether or not to accept the judgement of others. The power still resides within me. So, how do I face this fear? The best way to face this is to remind myself that I am the one who is ultimately in control. I am the one who chooses how I measure myself, and I am the one who chooses whether to listen to others or not. 

FEAR OF BEING ALONE:
There are many people who enjoy being alone, being by themselves, being solitary, but I am not one of them. I like to be around people. So the easiest way to combat this fear is to reach out to others.  I have many friends. Many who have helped me in the past and many who continue to help me. So, I can reach out them when I am in need. And continue being a friend and willing to help whenever I can.

FEAR OF THE SILENCE OF GOD:
OK, this one is a tough one. This fear is founded in a deeper fear.  The fear of not being right with God. Is it possible that God is not speaking to me and guiding me because I have done something wrong? Yes!  But it is more likely that God is just choosing to be silent.  And All of my temper tantrums and all of my whining won’t change God’s mind.  So, the only way to face this fear is to simply accept the silence. If the time should come where God chooses to speak again, then I can be thankful. Until that time, I just need to accept the silence and move on.

FEAR OF BEING GAY:
This is a major fear for me.  I fear being gay and what that means for my spiritual life.  I fear being gay and what that means for also being a pastor.  I fear being gay and how others will see me and judge me. I fear being gay and how I will judge myself.  So let’s break this down. First off, being gay is not the sum total of who I am but it is a large part of who I am.  And contrary to a certain someone who shall be nameless, it does make me unique and different from others. (Yes, someone recently told me that being gay doesn’t affect all my areas of life, only my sex life. And until someone can prove me wrong I will continue to see my gayness as touching all aspects of life.) So, what does it mean to be gay and be a spiritual being?  I don’t know.  But I am every so slowly finding out.  And that is where the fear comes in.  What if I do something wrong?  Well, until God gives me a self help guide on how to be gay and spiritual, I am just going to have to stumble around in the dark.  And that means my first part of this fear “glacier” is dealt with in my fear of God’s silence. Just stumble and accept what comes about. 
My fear of being gay and what that means for also being a pastor is another hurdle I need to face.  But I need to reach out to some of my friends who are also dealing with this issue. Again, I can face this fear head on by simply reaching out to friends for support and help.
My fear of being gay and how others will see me and judge me is another issue to face. But, I have been dealing with this already and the greatest problem here is not letting it get me down. My fear of being judged I’ve already taken care of above. So, I just need to accept that my measuring ruler is different than everyone else’s. And what is important is how I judge myself!
And that leads me right into the last fear of being gay. How do I view myself? Quite simply I have a different standard than others do, and I need to give myself leeway and freedom to be me.

So, when everything is said and done it comes down to this, my fear is nothing.  Because I have the tools and the power to face my fear and to conquer it.  AS always, Blessings be with you and until next time - Peace! - David L.