Sorry for being away from this for so long. I have been dealing with life and all that life has been throwing at me. My depression is messing with me with full force and just makes life difficult deal with. So, here is the reason for me writing this blog today. I wanted to try and list all of what is affecting me. Maybe if I look at them in manageable parts I might be able to deal with them one on one.
1) I am still itching! For those of you who don't know, I have been battling a rash since the end of March. Everytime I go to a clinic they don't seem know what it is or what causing it. At first I asked if it could be scabies. They claimed it wasn't. In June the finally tested my blood and said i was having a reaction to mold. Well, I am getting tired of this reaction. And I recently went to the clinic again and they said that could scabies. But the medicine for that is $40 per dose. Which I don't have.
2) I have no money. I am living off of my son. I use my money to try and buy food, pay various bills, what have you and he pays and utilities. And my money seems to get sucked out my bank account faster than lightening. I have a ton of medical bills hanging over my head and way to pay them. That, in itself, gets depressing.
3) I am on a new anti-depression med and almost everyday I wonder whether it is working or not. My med advisor just had me start doubling the dose and i still feel lost and frustrated with almost everything life.
4) I am still angry; at Kate (my soul mate), God, the church that i left, people who wanted to leave and made doubt myself my abilities, my sister, my two brothers, the governor of my state and his political party, right-wing conservatives, and finally myself accepting who I am and what I am.
5) I am lonely. I don't want to be around people because i feel like I am the way I just cause problems everyone. And yet, I want to be around people so I can get my serotonin fix to try and better.
6) I feel tired most of the time and I don't want to do anything.
7) I feel like a failure because of past - failing at being a minister a church, failing at making a living, failing being a brother, son, father, friend.
8) I am dependant on others for transportation since i have car. And I hate being a pest by begging people to take me different places.
9) I feel like I am fat, lazy and ugly inside and out.
Of course, I could take any of these numbered sections and expand them. But if I did that, I would never get this published. And here I am at the end of this diatribe with no answers. Oh well. That how life has been for me. Later all.
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