20110918.007 . . . ON BEING STRONGER

20110918.007  . . . ON BEING STRONGER

You know how it is. One email turns into a conversation, a discussion, or even an argument. The latter is what happened. My friend sent me something to proof read. I need to note here that this friend is a stickler for spelling and would have given Noah Webster a run for his money. And so, it was rather strange that she was sending me the item to proof read. I found one small mistake and responded to her with the correction. It went down hill from there. She took that as a frontal assault and began the response email that began the argument. The end result was when she said that all of the criticism, all of the past attacks, and all of the snipping and perceived back biting was because she felt I needed to be stronger. To add even more insult to what she had already heaped on me, she then noted that one of the people who I have felt personally attacked by, also thought I should have been a stronger person. WOW!

Here I am, a gay man trying to figure out how to be open and honest about who I am as a person, trying to deal with the grief of passing of my soul-mate, trying to deal with all the crap that life keeps dumping on me and she has the nerve to tell me to be stronger? I have survived my soul-mate's death, all the while wanting to die myself because it would make the horrid pain go away, being taken to a mental hospital because my anti-depressants had stopped working (the nurses were amazed that I hadn't attempted suicide already), also trying to figure out if I needed to come out of the closet as an openly gay minister, and furthermore trying to figure out what my purpose in life is supposed to be after everything had gone to hell in a hand bag, and she thinks that I am not strong enough, that she needs to heap more condemnation and judgment on me, all because I am not strong enough in her eyes. All I can say to that is “FUCK YOU BITCH! GET A CLUE!”

First off, what gives you the right to determine that I don't meet your standards of strength and that your concept of what is proper strength is correct in the first place? If being strong means being the bitter nagging woman that you are, no thanks! I would rather be the weakest of the weak. If being strong means being the woman who is two-faced and hypocritically sides with which ever “side” seems to be the strongest of the time, again, I have to say “no thank you”, because such actions are evil!

What amazes me is that when I started actually showing some backbone, after I was criticized by another friend for basically being spineless and walking away from all of my battles, when I stood up for who I was, and what I believed, This friend saw me as “NOT STRONG ENOUGH!” Maybe, your problem isn't that I am not strong enough, but that you don't like the strength I have shown! Maybe you are realizing that I am not going to back down any longer, that I am going to tell you what I think and feel because you are always (and I mean in all ways) nit picking about every little minutia of perceived problems in my life. Maybe you need to stop trying to control the lives of everyone else around you and start trying to figure out what it is about your own life that you don't like, that makes you the cranky nagging bitch that you are!

Now, having said all of that, or rather typed all of that, will any of this diatribe do any good? Well, it won't affect the person of whom I speak because that person doesn't even read this BLOG! And, even if they did read it, I know they wouldn't change their whole life because I have my panties in a wad over how they treat me? But, it sure does make me feel better! I feel vindicated! I feel that I have finally lashed out and set things in order! And who knows, maybe, just maybe, in writing this I can empty myself of the anger this person stirred in me and I can move on! Because, when push comes to shove, she is NOT worth harboring all of that anger over. Enough said! Good night! 

20110607.006 I THINK YOU ARE BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE . . .

20110607.006 I THINK YOU ARE BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE . . .


Yes!  It is that time of the year again – the time when I remember my soul-mate, the time when I celebrate being married to my best friend, and the time three days later when she drops dead.  For those of you who don't know the whole story let me elaborate.  To begin with, I married my best friend on June 7th.  I did that on purpose.  My mom & dad were married on June 6th. I was ordained June 6th, 1996, and so to help me remember dates, I asked that we marry on June 7th, 1997.  Nine years later, 2006, and we had a great anniversary.  We went to almost every bookstore here in Wichita, had coffee, ate at Pannera Bread for lunch, went to more bookstores and then went home.  And so then on June 9th, Kate got to go to a friend's house and watch her thread her floor loom.  That evening the friend's husband took us out to a wonderful steak dinner.  The next morning, Saturday, we woke up with the intention of moving a new refrigerator into our house.  Life was looking good, the church seemed to be doing OK, we were buying a house, and Kate seemed to be coping with her Systemic Lupus.  But then at about 9:30 am just after my dad had shown up, Kate collapsed in front of the stove. She wasn't breathing, I noticed that her tongue was swollen and I thought she was suffering from an attack of angio-adema which she often got when she came in contact with cigarette smoke. To make a long story short, after I tried to sit her up to help her get air and depressed her tongue with a spoon to open up the airway, my dad came over and tried CPR while I directed the EMS how to get to our house.  EMS came in, attached the defibrillator, shocked her 7 times, loaded her onto the ambulance, rushed her to the hospital. Finally got her heart started.  Transferred her upstairs. And lost her in the process.  


In the past five years I have began the arduous process of coming out of the closet.  Kate knew I was gay before we married, but we were best friends and the reason I married her had nothing to do with sex.  It had everything to do with wanting to be near my best friend.  I have also  tried to change from working as a minister to a telephone computer technician which was a dismal failure because I actually wanted to help the people on the other end of that phone line.  My time per call was too long.  I ended my very short time by having a nervous breakdown. Of course, the fact that my anti-depression medicine had stopped work the beginning of the year was part of the break down, but also I was coming to realize that the world has been defining me by what I do and not by who I am! Furthermore, I have tried to make the ministerial job work by just saying that I wouldn’t hide my sexuality but I also would publically proclaim who I was and how I felt from the pulpit.  The end result of that was people who became my detractors questioning if I was gay and continually undermining everything I did.  Here I was a minister who had an undergraduate degree in Mathematics, with a computer emphasis, a Master’s of Divinity degree (which is a 90 hour degree compared to other master’s degrees that only take 30 to 45 credit hours to complete) and over ten years in the pastoral ministry being told day in and day out that I was a failure, that I was doing ministry wrong, that I was making people angry, that I wasn’t visiting enough people, that I had to make sure the worship service had music in midi format that people could sing but no one was willing to play (I had to encode many pieces of music in myself), Power Point presentations without any errors, a bulletin that guided the people again with out any errors what so ever, and having the failed self esteem of a 40 something year old gay man being told my the general populace that I was a mistake in God’s eyes, all while I was still trying to grieve the loss of my soul mate and coming to the realization that even though I thought I had this amazing connection with Kate, I apparently didn’t because she didn’t communicate with me from the grave. (Yeah, I know, totally wackos!) I won’t even go into the fact that my finances were continually being a draining force on those around me and I was receiving less than a third of what my fellow pastors were receiving for compensation. It is no wonder I cracked when I did.  It is no wonder I resigned when I did.  And it is no wonder I still hold a lot (AND I MEAN A LOT) of resentment!


Because of a friend of my sister, I have adopted a snarky sarcastic saying that is always meant to be absolutely ridiculous.  After someone has ranted and raved about all of the pain and frustration that they have experienced because of some issue, I will often respond with the totally inappropriate response of “I think you’re being passive aggressive and holding in your true emotions!  Why don’t you let them out and tell us how you REALLY feel!”  Such a statement usually receives the gafaw and laugh that it is intended to generate and the people know that I am only kidding with them!  But, this explains what my title is all about!  You see, I AM STILL in a lot of pain, a lot of anger, a lost grief, and a lot of struggle of accepting who I am.  I am far from being able to sluff off all the crap that has been heaped on me.  And so, “YES!  I AM BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE AND I AM HOLDING IN MY TRUE EMOTIONS!” HA HA HA!  


Just once, however, I would like some recognition that “DAMN IT!” I have been through hell and it doesn’t look like life is going to get any better anytime soon!   (And in response to those who would like to ask me if I want some cheese with that whine {wine} the answer is “YES!  A smoked Gouda would be nice!”) Does any of this ranting and raving really accomplish anything?  No!  Unless it is to let people know just where I am at in this mess called my life!


A friend once asked me how I would describe to him just what it was that I was going through and I explained it this way. “Imagine that you have your right arm and your left leg cut off.  And then you are told you have to live as a normal two armed, two legged man!  I am being asked to do the impossible with what I have, all the time being handicapped by what I don’t have.”  So what exactly am I wanting?  Other than having all of my problems and un-communications with God solved, I would like some empathy.  I would like people to understand the kind of hell I am still going through and to share with me any way that they see of how to get out of it!  But what I DON’T want is someone to tell me to just suck it up and get over it!  Because, until you have lived my exact life and you have walked through my exact hell, you have no right to tell me I need to get over it!  Humph!  Passive aggressive my ass!


Blessings to you all! - David L.

20110522.005 AND HERE WE GO AGAIN . . .

20110522.005 AND HERE WE GO AGAIN . . .


Well, BLOG READERS, here is my other BLOG that I was wanting to submit.  This one has probably been fermenting (ruminating) in my mind for some time.  I am just now getting to the point that I either need to set words to paper or I feel that I can adequately describe what it is that I am feeling.  But before I do that, I need to share two things that has happened to me today.


Earlier today I stumbled upon some old files that I didn’t know I had.  I first need to note that my late wife was an avid journalist - as in she would journal about most anything.  Of course when you read her journals you get the feeling that she felt, like so many of us who start and never continue journaling, as if she was a failure. Yes, there are great gaps between her journal entries.  Yet she would still pick up pen and apply to paper and write about her life, her struggles, her loves, her fears, most anything that she was dealing with at the time. Well, I stumbled upon a DVD that had several of her e-journal entries from just before we were married.  And, in finding them I read them.  Of course, I am not sure if it was in reading those entries or if there has just been something lurking under the surface that I have been struggling with, whatever it has been, I am faced now with a lot of emotions.


I just finished watching a movie entitled SHELTER.  A great move that I would recommend you watch.  IT is the typical story line of someone coming to grips with their discovery of being gay and how they deal with their life in the process of it all.  This is really the second time I saw this movie, but these feelings, these internal emotions are much different then when I first watched it, and so, I am faced with the realization that what I am dealing with is greater than just some simple emotional connection with a movie.


So, here it is.  Here are the emotions that I am having and maybe in the writing I can somehow come to grips with what it all means.  I am feeling sad, pained, frustrated, angry, lonely, hurt, vulnerable, lost and confused.  Yes, some of these emotions are feeding on some of the other emotions but they are still valid enough to be named.  Here is the frustration of it all, I am really not sure WHY I feel this way.  Yes, I do see some reasons, but nothing has really changed in my life that I can see would affect me this way, so why these feelings, and why now?


Well, I know I am lonely because I feel like there is no one in the world for me.  And before any of you, my friends, start playing the devil’s advocate, I already know what you are saying.  “You’ve got to put yourself out there to find someone, David.”  And in that case you are correct.  But what lifts this loneliness issue is the base feeling that I have struggled with for so long - being gay.  For those of my followers who are not gay, let me try and explain.  Suppose that you carry a certain cell in your body and you are only allowed to connect, fall in love with, someone with that cell. But, you can’t always tell who has that cell simply by looking at them. And if you ask someone else if they have that cell in their body, you run the risk of being rejected, getting the ship kicked out of you, or killed. It is a scary prospect to say the least.  It makes you want to hide from the world.  And at some point you will come to feel very lonely and that you are never going to rise above such loneliness.  That is how I feel right now.  To add to this, part of me wants to throw caution to the wind knowing full well that I run the risk of getting beat up or even rejected by friends and family. The other part of me wants to take all of this really slow with the hopes that something will come along soon as long as I take things easy and don’t rush into anything.


My sadness could just be my antidepressant not working fully, but just a couple of days earlier I was feeling pretty good.  So, I don’t think that is it.  Of course my anger, frustration, feeling of being lost and confused all stem from my current issues with God.  And because of all of this, I can honestly add sadness to this part of my internal struggles.  I tried to explain to a friend the other night, what exactly I am needing, wanting, feeling, in reference to God.  And at the risk of this part doubling the length of my BLOG, here it is in a nut shell. As a child I always felt a close connection to God.  I know that If I had a problem or and issue to hammer out, I would simply pray and God would give me a dream that explained it all, or rather explained what I could expect.  At some point in my early life, that changed and I stopped having those experiences.  In one respect it is the equivalent of being able to see and then going blind and then longing for that experience to see once again.  I have met many people who have had unique gifts so that they were able to connect with the Divine.  For that matter, my late-wife was one of those.  And she continued to guide me and speak to me when I felt a need to hear God’s voice.  Of course, when she died, that voice was silenced as well.  And so my anger and frustration comes from God not speaking to me or not allowing Kate to speak to me.  And to those who will respond here with “God is speaking you just aren’t listening.”  Remember, I believe God is all powerful which means that God is capable to moved past my “not listening” mode and cause me to listen.  However, I scream, I yell, I sit quietly, I do all that I can do to try and listen and there is NOTHING coming at me!  So, I have to assume that God is not speaking or not allowing Kate to speak.  A side note here, to those who know me, If any of you has a message from Kate or God I would appreciate you sharing.  My only request is that if it is from God, you use the four words that God tells you to use.


I guess my hurt and vulnerable feelings come from the fact that the very one who has created me has chosen not to communicate with me. Especially when we are always told or given to assume that God wants to heard from us and that God will give to us whatever we ask in Christ’s name.


So, where does all of this leave me?  Well, I guess I am stuck because I really don’t know what else to write and yet I am left without any answers! (Which I knew would probably happen!)  I guess, If you have any comments or answers I would appreciate ANY input from all of you! - Blessings in all ways - David L.

20110520.004 UP, UP, AND AWAY?

20110520.004 UP, UP, AND AWAY?


Hello BLOG FOLLOWERS!  Again I come to the blank page.  I am compelled to write something, but I don’t know what it is that I should write. Tomorrow (or rather today by the time I finish this BLOG) the rapture is supposed to occur based on Harold Camping and his calculations.  Of course his claim is that the Bible tells him exactly when the Rapture is supposed to occur.  Never mind the fact that Jesus says, “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” According to Harold, if you do not believe him then you do not believe the Bible and therefore you are one of those who will be left behind.


I guess what this brings me to talk about is this question, “Does it change how we are supposed to live?”  And the answer is, “Of course not.”  But there are those who are seeking for the one moment when they can try and cash in on the gullibility of people.  And there are those who are gullible enough to buy into whatever these “snake oil salesmen” are selling.  Of course what really gets my goat are those who just don’t understand the full message of the Gospel.  People far and wide are convinced that “in order to get to heaven you must DO GOOD, BE GOOD, ACT GOOD.  There is a name for that idea.  It is called “WORKS RIGHTEOUSNESS” and it is strongly argued against in the Gospel Message.  What must one do to enter into God’s Kingdom?  Believe that Jesus is the anointed one of God. That is it.  And yet, there are those that are convinced that they must be good people, they must read the Bible three times a day, they must do something blah blah blah ad nauseam!  That is the furthest thing from the truth.  After all, there is a reason why Jesus said that the sinners and prostitutes will get to heaven before the Pharisees.


So, what am I going to do tomorrow, (Or rather today) after 6:00 PM?  I am going to continue being who I am – a failed creation of the Divine who loves me in spite of myself, who loves me in spite of my frustration and anger, who loves me simply because I am part of the Divine’s creation. And I happen to believe that the person known as Jesus who taught unbounded love and unbounded mercy IS the anointed one of the Divine. And in spite of my failures and frustrations and struggles, that simple belief is enough for God to welcome me into Paradise.  So, if I get caught up into the clouds tomorrow it just means it was my time to go.  If I don’t it means I am supposed to occupy this world longer until God calls me home.  And that is all it means, nothing more and nothing less.


Do I think anything is going to happen?  Honestly, no I don’t.  And I find it hard to believe that God would let some 92 year old nut-case hold the truth and tell the world when God wouldn’t even tell Jesus the anointed one.  But I also realize I have been wrong before.  The message I am trying to get across is that it really doesn’t change anything.  I will still love unbounded sometimes, feel sorrowful for failing to love unbounded at other times, and above all, realize that God’s will shall be done.


Now, after dealing with all of this I still feel the need to hit on another subject, but I am too tired to do that right now.  So I will come back to it tomorrow and post a second post in a week (WOW!  Maybe the world is coming to an end HA HA HA)- Blessings to you all - David L.    

20110409.003 THEY STILL DON’T GET IT! . . . LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

20110409.003  THEY STILL DON’T GET IT! . . . LIFE IS TOO SHORT!


So, I am sitting here at my computer with the deep need to write something.  Unlike other times where I have thought through the ideas several times over, this time I have encountered two points that have struck me and I just have a deep sense of pain, struggle, loss, AND the need to write something!  ANYTHING!


The first item of note is concerning your favorite subject and mine (ok, maybe just mine!  At least one that I write a lot about.) - being gay.  As a gay man who has struggled with feelings of being gay, struggled with accepting myself as being gay, struggled with being accept by others, and struggled with what it means to be gay in this world, I have done a lot of struggling!  I wish I could convey to those who are straight just what it is to feel this kind of pain, anxiety, and turmoil.  As a gay man I grew up with people telling me that being gay was wrong, being gay was evil, that gays could never enter heaven (this in spite of my dad preaching sermons of God’s love being unbounded and given to everyone).  I lived in the closet so no one else would know of the feelings I had; feelings, I might note, that I never CHOSE!  In grade school I questioned whether God wanted me to cut off my penis and my testicles because Scripture says “If your right eye offends you, pluck it out” and I thought this would be the answer that God must be giving me.  Luckily, (or depending on how one looks at it “unluckily”) something held me back.  In highschool, I prayed night & day to have these feelings taken from me.  In college I questioned whether I was being tormented by demons or if I was possessed.  In Seminary, I attended weekly meetings of a group affiliated with Exodus International for about 1 & ½ months with my best friend who would later become my wife.  We asked ourselves at that 1 & ½ mark, "if we never stop feeling this way, why are we still going to these meetings that are supposed to cure us but not helping?"  After that we stopped attending those meetings.


The end result is that I now live as a gay man who has been married to my soul mate, adopted her children, and watched her die and now I live back with my parents as their care giver. But the reason for this rant is because I recently read a BLOG of a new found friend only to read the vitriolic comments at the end.  And that is where the first part of the title comes from.  For some reason or another people who have grown up in the church (whatever denomination you may be a part of) still can’t get past the Scripture passages that seemingly condemn homosexuality.  People still take our modern day understanding of homosexuality and place it on top of those passages from Biblical times and read that WE, the ones who have these feelings, who want to connect with someone of the same gender in the same way that others want to connect with opposite genders, that we are the same evil wicked people that Scripture warns against and condemns.  THEY JUST DON’T GET IT!  They still hear the condemnation from the pulpits around the world, they still hear the political discourse from governments near and far, they still buy into the same condemnatory attitudes and ideas that have long plagues MY KIND.  And they don’t understand what that does to someone like me!  I would encourage you, if you haven’t already, read my BLOG passages about suicide ( http://tyedyegye.blogspot.com/2010/10/20101027016-act-of-desperation-act-of.html http://tyedyegye.blogspot.com/2010/10/20101002015-guilty-as-charged.html ) in these passages I write about the kind of pain that one feels that may drive them to suicide.  All of the attacks, all of the condemnation, all of the vitriolic attitudes opinions and comments, no matter how they may agree with one’s religion, does one thing and one things only, to create within a person struggling with being gay self hatred and self loathing to the point of want to rid this world of themselves.  ANYONE who voices such attitudes and ideas, no matter how much they claim are coming from a loving heart, are guilty of the deaths of all those who have self terminated.  Because THOSE WORDS have condemned us, THOSE WORDS have driven the knifes into our souls, THOSE WORDS are the weapons that have attacked and killed us all.  THEY STILL DON’T GET IT!  The same Scripture book that the self righteous parade around like the saints they claim to be, also hold some words that those supposed saints seem to ignore.  Micah 6:8 says, “And you, O mortal, what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.”  Such words of attacking are anything but just, anything but kind.  Such attitudes and opinions that claim holiness and righteousness are not attitudes of humility before God.   Furthermore, James 2;12-13 states, “Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment.”  What mercy is being shown when one declares that someone who loves another person of the same gender is damned and evil?  I can seen none!  My brothers and sisters in Christ, how can you condemn one like me and still say that you are following the law of love?


This leads me to the second part of my title.  I am now in my fifth year of remembering my soul-mate’s death.  It is still just as painful, and still just as horrible.  The only difference now is that I have become hardened to it and I don’t cry as much as I did when it first happened.  But I still feel, I still hurt, I still know the feeling of having your heart ripped out and being expected to continue living as if nothing has happened.  Tonight I heard of a death of a friend.  I admit he wasn’t a close friend, and because he wasn’t close, it is my loss.  But this person was only ten years older than me.  He died in a house fire.  I do know that this man had people who loved him and people he loved.  And it is sad that now they must face life alone, without him.  How many of them will wake up tomorrow and say, “I didn’t tell him that I loved him enough, I didn’t enjoy life with him like I should have.” or the one I will face, “I didn’t get to know him more” LIFE IS TOO SHORT!  Why are we so worried about who someone loves, or what other people are doing, when we should be worried more about “Have I shown love to my friends and family today?”  “Have I shown the care and compassion that God expects of me?”  “Have I shown the Christ that lives in my heart?”


You see, it is time to finally understand.  IT IS TIME TO GET IT!  It is time to stop condemning, to stop judging, to stop the attacking and to start loving, to start sharing grace, to start offering mercy and compassion to everyone we meet, because Life is far too short to say, “ I’ll do it tomorrow!”  - Blessings be with you all! - David L. 

20110324.002 PLAYING THE GAME

20110324.002 PLAYING THE GAME

Here I sit at the computer; staring blankly at the computer screen. Not because I do not have anything to write, because I have many things I could BLOG about. Rather I am overwhelmed with stuff to write about and that feeling of wrestling with the giants of the mind who are not completely dead yet can be and is a scary prospect.

I confess that in the past I have written because something has been caught by the trap called a mind and I have mulled it over and over until I felt I had a cohesive cogent thought. And this time is different because I honestly do feel guilty about not writing for a long time (about 3 months now) in this BLOG. So, among other issues, I am wrestling with why I honestly feel guilty. In talking about my BLOG with some friends one of them noted that I usually don’t write unless I am angry about something. And, although I know that is a possibility, a STRONG possibility (unfortunately), I would hope that anger is not the only driving force behind this “online diary.” I will admit that, when I feel compelled to write, passion is often the driving force. But that leads me to ask the question, what I am feeling passionate about today? What have I felt passionate about in the past day or week or month?

Mind you, it isn’t that I haven’t felt passion about anything, it is that nothing really rises to the top as something that has overwhelmed me with passion. Except for maybe politics. And when I say, “POLITICS” I am not talking about the various political parties and their various life or death situations that they pose to all of us! I am referring about the political games that humans play to coax and prod and get what they want out of life. There are times that I think such games are cute or funny; when my mom says “Geez, it sure would be nice to have some ice cream.” Or “I am so bad because I want some chocolate.” I find them cute & funny because I can see right through those statements. They are thinly veiled attempts at asking for something. But there are also times that I will say, “Mom, say what you want.” And she will retort with, “Can you get me some chocolate?” or “Can you dish me up some ice cream?” But when it comes to the “games” on a larger level, those games just frustrate me.

Last night I went out with some friends for coffee and one of the complaints I had was about some of the groups that we have participated in together playing such games. One friend stayed extra long and talked until we were “kicked out” of the restaurant. (They were vacuuming around our feet and finally turned out the lights! LOL we got the message!) But we were talking about Global Warming! Now, let me first note that I am an Eco-Christian. That means I believe we are called in our faith to love, honor, respect, and protect this creation called earth. My friend who I talked with is a Pagan and holds a similar belief because of her faith. But she made an excellent point about the “politics” about Global Warming. She said, “If those who were screaming ‘global warming is happening’ would be honest and simply say ‘we are shitting in our own mess kit!’ then I could stand behind them.” YES! HONESTY! I LOVE IT! But that is the problem! So many people have come to expect lies instead of honesty! How sad!

So why is it that we have given up on the idea of being honest? Political figures aren’t honest! (Yes, now I am talking about the various political parties!) But people in general have feigned honesty for getting what they want at all costs! Is that really the best option? This friend who I spoke with last night was “scolded” by a group because it was claimed by those who didn’t like her that she was embezzling. After an audit was performed and it proved that she wasn’t. But she still received a “scolding” because that is how the political games are being played! Another friend of mine is currently having an audit done against her in a church because those who are against her have made the same claim that she was embezzling. I have no doubt that they will find nothing, or if they do it will be something like “she stole a paper clip.” And yet, will she receive anything for the political games that others are playing against her? Most likely not! And the saddest thing is that she is not in good health and all of the stress is pushing her further down in her illness. Why has honesty become such a rare commodity? Why does honesty carry such a great price to pay for living honestly?

So, here I am, realizing that the more I write on this subject, the more angry I get! (Thanks Sharla, You are correct! . . . Again! ;-) Then again, maybe this is something worth being angry about! After all, I do take seriously the Ten Commandments. And one such commandment says, “You should not bear false witness!” Bearing false witness isn’t just about speaking! It is also about how you live, how you presenting yourself, and YES even the games we play! I am sure that if those who have called my friend embezzlers were to just come out and say “We want to have power and so we want you out of here” they wouldn’t get very far. But that is really the crux of the game! In order for them to win at their game, they need to practice deceits and lies! And so they continue in their game play, thinking they will get what they want. Well, all I can say is “Be careful how you live, because Karma is a bitch when it comes back to bite you in the butt!”

Well, I dare say that I don’t really feel better! Normally after write this BLOG I feel like I have experienced a catharsis! This time I don’t. Oh well! I guess I will just continue trying to live honestly! - I hope you all will do the same! - Blessings! - David L.

20110126.001 WHY? . . . NAMASTE!

20110126.001 WHY? . . . NAMASTE!

I Must apologize for not getting this BLOG post written sooner! I had hoped to publish my first BLOG post for 2011 on my birthday And I am well over a week past that time. By the way, I am now 47 years old! Or, for those who are fearful in our community of stating such advanced age, I celebrated my 21st anniversary of the 26th birthday! Ha ha ha! And from that you can figure out what year I was born. But that is not why I titled my BLOG “WHY?” The reason for that is as follows:

Toward the first of the month I attended a gathering at a friend’s house. I have always enjoyed this friend with their family because they accept me for who I am and for what I am. Or, at least, that is what I thought. While at this friend’s house another person and I had a chance to talk a lot. And, although I have had my suspicions about this person being gay, I have really bad GAYDAR and so I just assumed it was my mind playing with my emotions of how great it would be if this person WAS gay. A side note here, those friends who know how bad my GAYDAR is, call that my WISHDAR! At any rate, we had a great time talking. Later in the week, I had a chance to visit with someone else who was at the gathering and they noted that one of my friend’s parents was upset because I was flaming a bit too much and “causing” this other friend (the one I suspected of being gay) to flame as well. I was asked kindly to not talk about being gay around the family anymore. Of course, because these BLOGS very seldom are about a single issue or moment I want to share some other issues that connect and relate to all of this. Within the GLBT community, we have several words for who we are. Besides being called GAY, we also are called LESBIAN, BI-SEXUAL, TRANSGENDER, QUEER, QUESTIONING, INTERSEXUAL and there are several other letters we can add. Some words NOT included in this list include the “F” word (fag or faggot) which many people find offensive.There are many who find the word QUEER offensive even though it maybe explained that QUEER is the collegiate term for the area of study of our lives (i.e. Queer studies, Queer poetry, Queer artists). The long and short of the matter is that people (even some within the GLBT community) see any of those terms as being bad. This, of course, boils down to the title and reason for this BLOG. Recently, because of all of this ruminating in my head, I posted on my FACEBOOK the following status, “SO, YOU SAY THAT AS IF IT IS SOMETHING BAD. WHY?” And that is what the WHY is all about!

Why do people have to look at GAY, FAG, FAGGOT, QUEER and any other words as being BAD words? Why do people have to consider who I am and what I am as being something so horrible that they break into tears when talking about it? Of course, I can somewhat understand those who are close minded to be upset and offended about my life, my feelings, my very being! But, those who CLAIM to accept me for being gay, why do they consider it a bad thing?

The only answer I can formulate in my mind is because, even those who may CLAIM that it is OK to be gay, STILL see it as an abnormality. Needless to say, this is not any different with other minority groups. There are people who still look upon someone with more color to their skin that I have as being an “OUTSIDER” or “ABNORMAL” When you hear someone talk about another person in a profession that is not usually associated with women, do you recognize the sexism in their language when they talk about that person? What about when people are talking about someone who is older, younger, shorter, taller, whatever the distinction, do you hear the “-ISM” or “-PHOBIC” language that they use? It really is sad that we haven’t advanced very far. And here it is 2011.

And the heart-wrenching point of all of this, is that I have no solution. Those who see me as “GOD’S MISTAKE”, “DAMAGED GOODS”, “AN ANATHEMA”, whatever term they can come up with, they will probably always see me as that! There is little if anything I can do. Except, of course, for taking a stand about who I am. I am me! You may or may not like it, but that is the simple fact. I am a 47 year old gay white male, who is still trying to understand life and all of its weird twists and turns. Accept me for who I am or don’t, but ultimately you will have to deal with me! To use a saying from our community, “I’m here! I’m queer! Get use to it!”

So, what do I do about the person who wants me to stop "flaming" around the family? Well, I haven’t been over there for awhile. I really hope that if any of them are reading this, they don’t get mad at the person who passed on the request of the parent. What I would hope is that they all come to realize that being gay is not a bad thing, just like being straight isn’t a bad thing! What IS bad is when we segregate, separate, limit, and minimize anyone for some quality they have! I am pretty sure that God doesn’t do that to any of creation, and God doesn’t want us to do it either!

One final note, I am reminded of the word that people use when greeting and departing from the practice of yoga. NAMASTE. The way it was explained to me, it means, “I greet the Divine in you that is also in me.” What a wonderful way of looking upon another person! Maybe, rather than thinking of the qualities of another person, as being bad, we should look at the totality of the person and see the Divine Force that dwells in them and also in us! With that, I say to you and all others, NAMASTE! - David L.