BEGINNINGS! (Published with a new title)

So, where do I begin? Well, let me first note that for some time I have been wanting to start a blog. Not necessarily for anyone in particular, but to simply put down “on paper” (or in this case “on screen”) my thoughts and ramblings. Of course, there is the hope and possibility that a friend or two will be made in the process and, who knows, I may touch someone’s life in a positive way that will help them in dealing with all of the struggles and problems that come at humans everyday. Ultimately, however, this blog is for me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t welcome your comments and responses to what I might write. But, I must warn you that if your comments are meant to pick apart my language skills, verbage, spelling, and the like, I will probably ignore it.

So, here I am. I am David, a 45 year old gay minister that struggles with being me. There are many of my friends who accept me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I live in a world that is vehemently against me and all who think, feel, and act like me. It is strange that because I confess that certain men turn me on, I am considered by many to be anathema. And yet, whether or not I pursue a relationship with someone of my gender, I am wrong, no matter what. It is also strange that there are those who think just because I am gay, I want to bed every guy I come across. Like, there are straights who want to bed every girl they come across? How ignorant or egotistical can you be? At any rate, I have live for 45 years with a large portion of those years devoted to hating myself. After all, when society tells you that you are wrong, negative, evil, bad, you loose any self esteem you might have had in the first place.

Now, before you think that I am going to run out and self-terminate, I know better. But the fact remains that I struggle with any sense of positive acceptance. To my friends who are reading this - YES! You give me such wonderful acceptance and love. And I am lucky to have you all as friends. But it doesn’t change the fact that there is still a pervading cloud of denial and rejection that follows me wherever I go. Although you may not think that I know what it is like to live as a subclass citizen, I think I can come pretty close. Maybe that is why I feel the need to decry the wrongs committed against other ethnic groups, the wrong committed against women, the wrongs committed against economically challenged groups, the wrongs committed in the name of patriotism, religion, and anything that upholds the social norms of our world.

Will the world ever change? Will my kind ever be accepted? Who knows! When I do find acceptance, what group will rise to take my place as the group of rejection and condemnation? Above all, what I do know is that I am still here, struggling from day to day trying to make sense of it all. Trying to be gay in a straight world, trying to be accepted in a world full of rejection, trying to find a place in a world filled with “no vacancy” signs. Maybe someday I will understand, I will find meaning and purpose, and all will be at peace. Until then, here I am. I am me!