PREJUDICE IS . . .

PREJUDICE IS . . .

I recently posted a comment on a friend’s FACEBOOK page. They had posted a link to an article about Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan who, after retiring, granted an interview with ROME magazine and stated that, “Transsexuals and homosexuals will not enter into the Kingdom of God, and I do not say this, but Saint Paul does." The Cardinal goes on to further note that “One is not born a homosexual. One becomes a homosexual. . . . acting against the dignity of the human body, certainly they will not enter Heaven.”

But this BLOG is not about the Cardinal’s interview. Rather, it is about the prejudice that I saw within the remarks of my friend’s post. I will grant you that there are many, far too many, who have been hurt by the Church and organized religion. In the name of religion there has been the committing of murder, the propagation of lies, the validation of hatred, and even the act of genocide through the name of “Ethnic Cleansing.” Those who are part of right-wing America throw around the claim that we, those in the GLBTQI community, are trampling on their rights of freedom of speech and religion when they act to deny us our rights and continue to propagate hatred. And I have felt the calling as I stand between my sexual identity and my faith journey to try and bring people back into a community of love, a community based on the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His teachings, a community that is welcomes all people everywhere. And, yet, in spite of my earnest effort I was still cut down and, what I felt, verbally attacked for my belief.

So, I come to an interesting cross-roads. I have seen so many cases of prejudice against the GLBTQI community. But now I am on the receiving end of prejudice FROM the GLBTQI community. And I am faced with the experience of not having a home, not being welcomed anywhere, not being given due consideration for what I believe. Please understand I have written about this before on my MYSPACE page. But this time, it is so very different because it is so blatant and anger filled. So, the question that I ask is, “Is it ever right to judge or prejudge someone simply because you feel attacked by a group that they align themselves with, no matter how loosely that alignment may be? I would think not! I realize that I am not the only one who has a faith journey that also winds its way through my sexual identity, and I am sure that I am not the only gay who has experienced the backlash from others in my community because of also having faith. And I am also sure that I have been on the giving end of the faith attack far too many times. What I ask is that before you attack someone because of their belief, maybe you should think about where they are coming from and what they are claiming to believe. It just might be possible that even if you do not see eye to eye with them on their faith journey, you will still find some kind of common ground to stand upon and thereby, strengthen community instead of destroying it.

Blessings be with you all - David L.

WHO IS REALLY IMPORTANT?

WHO IS REALLY IMPORTANT?

The happenings today . . . My mom went in this morning to have a laser procedure done on her right eye because of cataracts. I took a nap after getting home from the eye doctor’s with mom and dad, and eating lunch. I got up and went to the class I mentor on Monday nights. And while we were getting ready to eat supper a small brush fire burst on the scene. The reason? Because the woman who cleans the church was sharing a bit of gossip. Mind you, I’m not sure that was her intent at first. But she was upset about something and wanted to share. She noted that a certain person who tends to be controlling and was preparing something on Halloween night got upset when she mentioned that a homeless person would be coming in to sleep in the church’s parlor. The person who got upset said that there would be no one else allowed at the church while he was there. Even though the homeless person has been given permission by the church board to stay Saturday nights at the church. The brush fire that erupted came about because another person tried to stand up in support of the person who was the controller. And in my attempt to try and make peace, I noted that the woman telling the story can embellish the truth just like we all can. But also that this person who is always trying to control things is always trying to control things. Even when they don’t have the right!

And so, now I am home. I log on to FACEBOOK to check out the various happenings there all the while trying to deal with the broken feelings of this woman who brought the story to the surface in the first place -- she seems to think that since I admitted that I have known when she embellishes the truth that is tantamount to me saying that she lies all the time. And there I see a friend of mine who has just received a call from the Doctor telling them that they have cancer.

WOW! Who is really important? The person who is trying to control and micro manage everything at the church? The person who has their feelings hurt because they perceive my statement of them embellishing the truth is equal to lying? The person who has just found out that they have cancer and they may die leaving behind a spouse, two children and three grandchildren? My mother who has to go back tomorrow to make sure everything went ok with the laser procedure? The person who tried to stand up for the controlling person and can’t separate the controlling person bad actions from what the control person does and is involved in at the church? Me because I am having to deal with all the problems that everyone else is heaping on me as well as my own problems and failings?

The fact is, everyone is important to a greater or lesser degree, and I am bombarded with all this and I shut down. I can’t take it any more because I am sick of people looking to me for validation and I am sick of people using me as an excuse to leave the church because I have hurt them somehow. Enough is enough! I will take it no longer. If you want a reason to leave, then leave. Because you will eventually find one and so just do it and stop using me to get your way. If you are wanting a reason to claim that I have hurt you, then make the claim because I am human and I am going to hurt someone. And the odds are pretty good that it will eventually be you. If you are wanting to control things, fine! Just realize that ultimately, I am not going to let you control me, because I’m sick and tired of bullies and that is how people control, they bully you! The end result? I would recommend that you don’t push me unless you really want to see what is going to happen. Because, there is a really good chance that it isn’t going to be a good thing! Because, when everything is said and done, self preservation dictates that I am going to say ME! I am the most important right now!

WHY CAN’T LIFE BE SIMPLE?

WHY CAN’T LIFE BE SIMPLE?

It has been some time since I last wrote a BLOG, and it isn’t for lack of ideas, or for lack of trying. It is basically because I keep getting sidetracked. Sidetracked as in “Ooo, I’m hungry, I think I’ll eat” or “Ooo, I’m tired. I think I’ll sleep” or most recently “ooo, I’m sick, I think I’ll sleep, cough, cough, eat, cough, cough, sleep, cough, cough” You get the picture, I’m sure.

But, in reference to the title of this BLOGISODE, life is far too complex, and I want life to be simple. I can’t really put my finger on one single point as to what does it, but I have been feeling that life is far too complex. All of the issues that I deal with on a daily basis, all of the people who have real heartfelt needs that I want to help, but can’t, all of the happenings world wide that scream, “We are heading towards a great cataclysm, so you better watch out” All of this and still more.

At a more personal level, I am lonely. Yes, I’ve been lonely for some time. And to all of you my family and friends reading this, I’m talking about partner lonely here. I want a man. Someone to connect with, someone to talk to at the intimate level, and yes, even someone to cuddle, kiss, and have sex with. To a certain extent I am feeling my biological clock tick, and although it isn’t he baby making clock, it is the feeling of “I’m getting older, am I ever going to find someone who loves me for the simple fact of me being me? I am 45 years old. I’m a gay man who has had only two male experiences in my life. Face it, there are some things I would really like to try before I die! And, honestly, if the Gay Community is supposed to be filled with rampant sex, then something is wrong, because I know a lot of gays who aren’t getting any, just like me!

But, as it is with most things in life, this frustration, this loneliness, this feeling of absence goes deeper than just finding a partner. It is also wrapped up in seeing my life as a jumbled mess and wanting it simplified, seeing my life rushing by and not being able to stop and smell the roses, or pick a turning maple leaf, or close my eyes and hear the wind rushing through the hills. Is it just a cruel act of life that the older you get the faster everything rushes by you, or is it meant to be this way for a reason? And if it IS some reason, what is that reason. In other words, WHY?

Yes, it comes back to that question that seems to haunt me in my waking thoughts and my sleep. WHY is life the way it is? WHY do we struggle so much? WHY try to make sense of it all? And the answer that comes floating through the eons of time and space is still the only answer I ever get. And that answer is . . . “!”

Blessings - David L.

THE JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES (AND A THOUSAND HOURS) BEGINS WITH ONE RAIN DROP!

The following blog was first written on my FACEBOOK note page. But I thought others might want to read it. Enjoy! - DL

THE JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES (AND A THOUSAND HOURS) BEGINS WITH ONE RAIN DROP!

So, my trip from Springfield, IL to Wichita, KS began YESTERDAY at about 10:30 am when I checked out of the Lodge. Thank you Ben H. For the transportation. Before anyone rags on Aaron D. Please realize that he tried to contact me but two issues proceeded his non-contact. 1) my phone was receiving NO SIGNAL all week end. 2) my phone successfully drain both of my batteries and so I had very little juice. But as we left the wonderful town of Petersburg a few rain drop began to fall - a precursor to the unbelievable (or possible believable for those of you who travel by plane more than I do) day.

Ben drops me off at the airport and I check in my baggage and decided to get something to eat at the airport. After getting something to eat I wait for the gift shop to open. When it does open, I ask, “Do you have any cell phone chargers or calling cards?” Silly me, I thought that those would be valid items at an airport gift shop. The clerck looked at me as if I was insane. Now, I admit I may be insane, but I didn’t think asking such a question would prove it. So, I thought to myself, “No problem, when I get to Chicago O’Hare, I can get something!” And that was my first mistake. Not the part of getting something at Chicago, but the part of GETTING TO CHICAGO! You see, those rain drops that I mentioned earlier had friends who were apparently really causing all sorts of havoc in Chicago. And so, A plane flight that was supposed to leave at 2:45 didn’t leave until 5:15. But, it didn’t stop there. We landed at concourse B near the woodshed (seriously, I though they were dropping us off at a back lot or something) And my next flight that I had already understood was cancelled was at concourse F (The other side of Illinois! I swear!!!) And so, I began walking, because I was told that I needed to go to guest services, which I understood was at gate F12. IT WASN’T. Which I found out when I got to F12! (And YES, the reason it is called F 12 is because of F’in! Bomb dropped, nuf said!) So, I then walk back to the beginning of the F concourse to talk to guest services. I meat some great people as I stood in the line that felt like it reached back to concourse B! After getting my ticket squared away, I thought, “I need that Phone charger!” (Which I found! Thank you Brookstone!) And then I thought “I want something to eat!” And so I headed back up concourse F to gate 12 because, . . . wait for it . . . the f’in Wichita Plane was supposedly leaving from F12 at 8:10. It is OK, I didn’t miss it, because it was only 7:30! (Yes, the walking, the waiting in line, the getting the charger and food took 1 hour and 15 min. LONGER than the flight TO Chicago, I might note!) I get back to gate F12 to wait for boarding. Eat my supper. Charge my phone. And wait excitedly that I will soon be home to sleep. *;10 quickly changed to 9:10 . . . which changed to 9:25 which changed to 9:30 which changed to 9:35 which changed to 9:48. We finally heard our boarding call in the following manner “We will not be boarding flights to Wichita, Birmingham, and Calgary all from gate F12C. Now, imagine for just a brief moment everyone for those three flights all trying to get checked through 1 ticket agent and then one by one we walked out to the tarmac and start looking confused asking “Which is the flight to Wichita?” We got on the plan by 10:15 and began taxiing by 10:30. We finally were in the air at about 10:45. OVER TWELVE HOURS AFTER I BEGAN THE WHOLE PROCESS!

Would I do it all over again? Of course, met some great new friends, saw only family/friends and had a great time. I would just do some things differently. “NOTE TO SELF: Next time, no matter how much I tell myself I don’t need the laptop, or the phone charge, pack it anyway!”

-Blessings - DL

HAIR CUTS, CLOSETS, AND LANGUAGE

I thought I was past this, I am not! This past week I went to get my hair cut. Since I have been living with my parents, I have been using their hair stylist. So, while my mom was getting a perm, I got a hair cut. That in itself isn’t the issue that I thought I had past. While I was talking and chatting with the stylist, she made a statement to me that sent me back into the closet. She said, “I am sure you will make a good husband to some woman someday.” And here I was, I was faced with either outing myself to my stylist (which really shouldn’t have been a big deal) or crawl back into the closet, which is what I did. My response was, “No, I was married once and my soul-mate died. I’m not going to marry anymore” What a coward I am!

But my cowardice is only part of the point of this BLOG. The other part lies in culture and language and how slanted language can be and still is. There are times when I am referring to someone on the police force and I still say “Policeman” instead of “police officer” There are times when I will use a seemingly innocuous term which, in the end, is very much pejorative and condemning. Our Language needs to change and we need to be the ones to do it, but if even I can’t seem to succeed at this task, how can I expect others to. It would have been proper to correct the Hair stylist and say that I would make someone a good partner someday, or that I am gay and I will make a gay man happy someday. But, my language and all my years of upbringing lead me to failure.

And so, I ask forgiveness of my culture, my subculture, my society, my identity group, and myself. And I ask for grace, yet again as I try to continue the process of coming out! Anyone want to help?

MACHINATIONS OF SELF IMPORTANCE!

So I am sitting in a chair in the living room, struggling with HOW and WHAT I want to post on my blog. Today has been almost TOO MUCH. What I mean by that is that I am so tired of kowtowing to the city of Wichita and all of their self important gesticulating. So, I’ve used MACHINATIONS and GESTICULATING, how’s that for OBFUSCATING my blog? So, let me explain. Some time ago I got a notice from the city that the yard needed cleaned. My son, made the claim that he would take care of it. He didn’t. In fact, it got to the point where they called me into court. And each time I have gone into court to deal with the problem something else seems to be wrong. First the grass is too high, then we need to weed-eat along the fence. Then we need to repair the fence (after my son’s glorious dogs chewed through the fence) then the grass is too high again. Then the neighbors throw some trash into the back yard and I have to deal with it. All the time, of course, I am not living there, my son is. Well, now my son is moving out and guess what I STILL have to deal with it all. Today the judge declared that I have another month to get it all done. I am to the point of killing myself, and putting in the suicide note that the Judge and the city of Wichita is to blame. (To all my friends, don’t freak out at that last sentence)

What really get’s me is that the people who are “running the show” as it were, probably don’t have a care in the world. They actually think that keeping Wichita looking like BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS is actually important. They probably have NO IDEA about people starving, what it means to be homeless, what it means to live on below poverty wages. And that is why I titled the article the way I did! They actually think they are important! And they have no idea that there are people just trying to survive who could care less whether or not Wichita is sparkling and nice! All I have to say is GET A CLUE! There is a lot more in this world that actually matters compared to your supposed ideas of importance! - There - Nuff Said!

TRUTH, HATE, LOVE, VALUE

TRUTH, HATE, LOVE, VALUE

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So, I attended my 2nd Gay Pride Celebration on Sunday, June 28. Compared to the 1st celebration that I attended last year, this year’s was rather low-key. Don’t get me wrong. There were more things happening, more floats, more people marching in the parade. In fact, we even had an opening rally on the steps of the “Old” Court House which is something that wasn’t done last year.

But the one thing that caught my attention, however, was the one lone protestor. Or, so I thought. Where as last year we encountered many protestors just outside the gate and one person who was thrown out for handing out literature that wasn’t allowed by the program group, this year I saw none of that. All I saw was one single person who quietly walked through the crowd a couple of times holding up a Bible. He was followed by a single security person. I can only assume he was told that he couldn’t approach anyone or hand out any kind of literature. And so, he simple moved in and out of the crowd, quietly holding up his Bible as if those of us attending would shy away from it and cower in fear like vampires fearing the cross.

I felt sorry for him in a way. After all, he had to have known that others were watching him, pointing, laughing, making jokes at his expense. But then, as I was leaving the park, I saw him talking to some other people gathered outside the festival area. And one of them had a shirt on that said, “The truth IS HATE, to those WHO HATE.”

WOW! Not only was that profound it was also a slap in the face. Here we are, the GLBTIQ community, protesting and proclaiming that “HATE IS NOT A FAMILY VALUE” and the one’s who condemn us are throwing that saying right back in our face. Now, I realize, not everyone who is gay is also a Christian, nonetheless, somewhere, somehow, “THEY” (the ones who would condemn us) have seen us hating them back.

Please note, however, that there is another way to read that statement that the one wearing that shirt didn’t realize. They have chosen to hate us, and they see the Gospel telling them to HATE. Yes, it comes back to “them” because “they” wish to hate and so “their truth” tells “them” to hate! It really is a double edged sword.

What does all of this say to me? Or rather, why am I writing about this, then? Well, it still comes down to the TRUTH that I know which I find in Jesus Christ. Jesus calls us to LOVE. In fact, we read in Scripture many times where “GOD IS LOVE” and “LOVE COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SINS” The TRUTH, that which is know as Christ, is all about LOVE. And so it isn’t an issue of what I do with a person of the same gender, it is all about how do I love those who hate me? That is where the real truth lives. And so, if there are those who are showing hatred to you, if there are those who wish to condemn and demean you, the truth is found in loving them instead of hating them. Because in love, you are living the life of God’s family. And THAT is where truth and value reside! Blessings to all of you! - David L.

WHO CARES? . . .

I have a friend, at least I still call him “friend.” He has been making my life difficult. Now to those of you who are my friends and you are getting paranoid that it might be you, I will assure you of a few things. First off, if you are reading this, it probably isn’t you because “he” doesn’t have a FACEBOOK account and the only place that I have been posting the link to this is on FACEBOOK. So, why am I talking about him if he will not be reading this? Because I highly doubt that he would accept any kind of direction from me at this point. Here is his problems.

First, he is horribly lonely. He recently left his wife because he wasn’t communicating with her. This is something I don’t understand. If you get married, you need to communicate! It is obvious. And if talking doesn’t work because you start yelling then you need to write letters. Somehow, someway, you need to communicate, both feelings and thoughts (which can be separate things) and you need to be willing because of LOVE to accept your partner’s feelings and thoughts as well - without value judgements! Anyway, he didn’t communicate with his spouse.

Secondly, he is dealing with depression and he doesn’t want to accept this fact. I don’t know whether he is on any medication for depression, but he has been through some major issues in his life that have added extreme weight to his already repressed mood. Please note people, two points here to be made. A) taking medicines is not a “COP OUT” Medicine helps your brain chemistry. Depression is not just a mental thing, it is also a physical thing. You need help in controlling your brain chemistry and that is what the medicines are for. B) just like taking medicine, you need someone to talk to and YOU - the depressed - need to take the initiative to talk. You can’t expect someone else to come and talk to you. If you don’t want to be better, then you aren’t going to get better! Which leads me to the next issue with my “friend”

Thirdly, he is isolating himself. He attends church but hasn’t been in a while. He is mad that others haven’t called him, haven’t come to visit him, haven’t sent him letters or emails. And here is where I come into the mix. I am being blamed for not being caring, for not showing compassion, for not being the kind of person HE thinks I need to be for HIM! I am dealing with my own depression, and my own life flying apart at the seams, I know I can’t deal with everyone else’s, and so how dare HE think I can deal with him. Now, another side note to my friends who ARE reading this. Please don’t think this means I don’t want to hear your problems, because I do! I care for you, I am able to care for you and your problems. I just can’t manage COMPLETE CARE! I think you know what I mean by this. Those of you reading this, understand that there is only so much that I can do. This “friend” who I know will never read this doesn’t seem to understand this single point. He thinks, for good or bad, because he is so centered on himself, that the world rotates around him and no one else. I should be doing everything in my power to comfort and console him first.

Of course this brings me to think about something else. Because I too am dealing with my own depression I have to ask, how many others are also seeing this in me? Because, after all, it tends to be that we hate in others what we hate in ourselves! Am I becoming demanding of others? Am I walking that fine line of demanding care from others FIRST? Am I being a major (*fill in any expletive you want here) jerk with those around me because I am so self centered that I can’t see beyond myself to the outside world and the hurt and pain that everyone else is experiencing?

So, to ask the question of the title of this blog edition, “WHO CARES?” Who should be the one who cares? Who cares for me AND for you? Maybe the answer is “ourselves AND each other” Because we are both independent AND interdependent! And we need each other AND we need ourselves! So, who care? I do! But I can only care so much! If I give all of myself, will there be anything left to give to someone else! So, who will care for me? - Blessings - DL.

BEGINNINGS! (Published with a new title)

So, where do I begin? Well, let me first note that for some time I have been wanting to start a blog. Not necessarily for anyone in particular, but to simply put down “on paper” (or in this case “on screen”) my thoughts and ramblings. Of course, there is the hope and possibility that a friend or two will be made in the process and, who knows, I may touch someone’s life in a positive way that will help them in dealing with all of the struggles and problems that come at humans everyday. Ultimately, however, this blog is for me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t welcome your comments and responses to what I might write. But, I must warn you that if your comments are meant to pick apart my language skills, verbage, spelling, and the like, I will probably ignore it.

So, here I am. I am David, a 45 year old gay minister that struggles with being me. There are many of my friends who accept me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I live in a world that is vehemently against me and all who think, feel, and act like me. It is strange that because I confess that certain men turn me on, I am considered by many to be anathema. And yet, whether or not I pursue a relationship with someone of my gender, I am wrong, no matter what. It is also strange that there are those who think just because I am gay, I want to bed every guy I come across. Like, there are straights who want to bed every girl they come across? How ignorant or egotistical can you be? At any rate, I have live for 45 years with a large portion of those years devoted to hating myself. After all, when society tells you that you are wrong, negative, evil, bad, you loose any self esteem you might have had in the first place.

Now, before you think that I am going to run out and self-terminate, I know better. But the fact remains that I struggle with any sense of positive acceptance. To my friends who are reading this - YES! You give me such wonderful acceptance and love. And I am lucky to have you all as friends. But it doesn’t change the fact that there is still a pervading cloud of denial and rejection that follows me wherever I go. Although you may not think that I know what it is like to live as a subclass citizen, I think I can come pretty close. Maybe that is why I feel the need to decry the wrongs committed against other ethnic groups, the wrong committed against women, the wrongs committed against economically challenged groups, the wrongs committed in the name of patriotism, religion, and anything that upholds the social norms of our world.

Will the world ever change? Will my kind ever be accepted? Who knows! When I do find acceptance, what group will rise to take my place as the group of rejection and condemnation? Above all, what I do know is that I am still here, struggling from day to day trying to make sense of it all. Trying to be gay in a straight world, trying to be accepted in a world full of rejection, trying to find a place in a world filled with “no vacancy” signs. Maybe someday I will understand, I will find meaning and purpose, and all will be at peace. Until then, here I am. I am me!