20100330.008 CONSERVATIVE ABORTION

20100330.008 CONSERVATIVE ABORTION

Well, it is that time again. The time when I apologize profusely about not writing a timely BLOG and ask your forgiveness. But, in total honesty, I am not writing a BLOG because I haven't written one in two weeks and I realized how much I needed to. Instead I am writing one because several issues have recently touched me and caused me to take a moment and think. And before I get to explaining what I mean by the title of the BLOG let me explain the issues that have hit me blind sided, which, in turn, will be used to help explain the title.

The first issue that I want to touch on, starts with my dad. Recently my dad received a phone call from the cousin whom he was classmates with at high school. It seems that they are going to have a class reunion and the cousin wanted to know if dad would be going to it or not. Well, dad hemmed and hawed and then told the cousin that he would think about it. When he was off the phone call, I volunteered that I could help drive them down to the class reunion. That, of course would give me a chance to touch base with the Seminary where I received my M. Div. And, it might also give me a chance to touch base with some old friends who I know live near all these places. At any rate, after I volunteered to be the driver, dad made an interesting remark to me. He said, “David, my cousin is very staunch Nazarene and is very much anti-homosexual. I don't want you getting into a debate with him about being gay.” I was a bit taken aback. Have I presented myself as always pushing being gay? For that matter, did I really flame that much? Last night when I was sharing this all with a friend, their response to me was that same question, “Does he really think you flame so much?” Of course, one of the major questions that has risen in my mind is, “Why should I have to tippy toe around a part of who I am, simply because it might offend someone?” Well, my thoughts then went to my second cousins, their children. I remember playing with them as a kid and I also remember that they acted a lot like me. And I mean A LOT! If you get my picture. In other words, if you don't get the picture I am trying to paint, it is very possible that one or both of them could be gay. And if they had parents like that, the thought came to my mind, have they wanted to kill themselves? I know, if I my parents weren't as loving as they are (And they still have their prejudice against me being gay) I would have committed suicide long ago. By the way, A side note here, I am actually feeling pretty good and don't have any plans of checking out early! In fact, other than my allergies, and my continuous canker sores in my mouth, I think this is the best I've felt in a long long time! Anyway, back to this BLOG.

The second and third issues that have risen up are from two songs I have been listening to. The first is from a Jason & Demarco Album and is entitled, “Just In Time” and is a love song. The chorus is, “You're just in time to save my life to share this moment to be by my side.” The second song is also a love song of sorts. It is called “Please Remember Me” and I believe it was written by Tim McGraw, but the version I have is sung by John Barrowman. If you are not familiar with it, it is a song of love lost and the pain one feels as they recover from that lost love. Both of these songs have worked together to make me wonder what it is that brings certain people together where as others never do meet even once.

This led me to remember when I first came out to a young minister who had already come out to me. His response to me was, “Thank you for sharing with me that gift.” I had never seen my sexual identity as a gift, but he was there, at the right time to lift me up and help me see hope where at first there didn't seem to be. And then my thoughts went racing back to my dad's first cousin's attitudes toward who I am and then I thought about how the ultra-conservatives are so very vocal against abortion. Now, let me interject here that I make the claim of being pro-life. In fact, in earlier BLOGs I have noted that I believe in the sacredness of ALL LIFE! And I mean ALL LIFE! I was an outcast in Seminary because those who were liberal and would accept my identity would reject me because I believe event the life of an unborn baby should be protected. And those who would reject my identity would accept me for being pro-life. Now, having said all of that, also please realize that I understand I have no right to tell another person that they WILL have a child. Especially if I am not going to pitch in and help raise it! And so, in that sense I am pro-choice.

But, here is the interesting thing and where the title of the blog comes from. There are those who would not accept my identity and therefore would think that I should commit suicide because there is no way that their God would accept and forgive me. And, even though that would be quite late term (about 46 years and two months) it is still their way to abort a life from this gift of a planet that the great creator has made for us all. In other words, there are some who would gladly push someone to abort their life if it would rid the world of one more EVIL PERSON (in their eyes)! How very sad. How sad that there are people in this world who are so narrow minded that they think they have all the answers and that they have the right to declare that you are saved or damned! How sad that there are people in this world who may never know that there is someone like me who considers them a person of value and worth simply because they are here!

Now, I am not saying that all conservatives want all the gays to commit suicide. But It does bring me to consider Karma, and how often have I touched someone's life in a negative way so that they feel rejected and alone? How often have I planted that little evil seed in someone's heart that calls them to abort their life because something I said made them think that the world would be better without them? So, here is my challenge to you all! Please, the next time you begin to strike out at someone for doing something wrong, reconsider how you may be touching their life. The next time you want to hurt someone because you feel they have hurt you, consider just what that hurt may do to them. Because, when all else is said and done, don't you want them to know that the precious spark of life that they hold within themselves is worth them simply being here? I hope so! Blessings to you all - DL

20100314.007 TO EVERYTHING TURN, TURN, TURN

20100314.007 TO EVERYTHING TURN, TURN, TURN

(Preface: even though I am posting this on Monday, I really did write it early yesterday morning, so, please read it as such. L8r)

Here it is early Sunday morning, March 14, 2010. You would think that going to bed at 12:45 am (before the time change) and waking up at 5:30 am (after the time change) that I would be tired. And, in fact, I may end up going back to bed instead of doing what I have planned for today, but for this moment, I feel the need to write a BLOG that is long over due. So, let me catch you up on some of my life and what I have been dealing with over the past couple of weeks and then I can deal with the title fo the BLOG.

For some time, now, I have been battling major depression. And, although I have been taking my medicine and going to counseling, the depression has just continued deeper and deeper. Recently, I was told that the Pastoral Relations Committee - the committee that is supposed to be my sounding board and support which is also called the PRC - was going to ask me to take a Sabbatical (See previous BLOG). Now, it is one thing when you realize and plan to take time off so that you can regroup, refocus, and re-energize, but when another group throws that at you out of the blue, one can get the feeling that they are being attacked. In trying to uncover the motives and reasons for this, it became increasingly apparent that at least one of the people who seems to be attacking me was at the root of it all. I know this because, even though, it was suggested that someone else, a friend, was recommending it, this other detractor was upset that the PRC couldn’t force me to take the sabbatical right away (because I had intended on taking one after Easter). The more I struggled with this person being upset that I wasn’t going to be out immediately, and the fact that there are several others who keep attacking the actions and missions of the church and other members, the more I decided that I just couldn’t take it any more. Let’s face it, there is only so much that any one person can take of being condemned and demeaned as a failure, before they end up breaking all together. I have been close to that point for some time. And so, on March 3, I made some phone calls, talked with several people, and said, “I’ve had enough and I can’t handle any more of it.” And I announced in worship on March 7th, that I would be starting my sabbatical on March 12th.

So, here I am, the first Sunday in awhile where I don’t have to get up to get ready for worship and I can’t sleep. Ironic, I think. At any rate, I am faced with several issues while I am on this Sabbatical. First off, I am asking all of you who are reading this for lots and lots of prayers, candle lighting and positive thoughts and energies flowing my way. I will tell you that after I made the decision on March 3rd, I felt 50% less stress and it has continued increasing (that is the stress has continued decreasing) as the days have moved forward. One of the major stressors that I had to let go of was “What will the Church do?” The fact is, I have to trust that God will call forth workers to fill the needs. And, yes, I am vindictive to a certain level and want those who have been decrying all of my evils to see that they can’t do things without me. But, I also realize that such an attitude is really not healthy and so I am trying to let my anger and animosity go. Secondly, I am faced with several difficult questions for my future. And they are as follows: Am I still called to serve this Church? Am I still called to be a pastor? Am I such a screw-up as a minister and as a person that I need to step as far away from the ministry as possible and seek to do something else entirely? Of course, none of these questions can be answered out right. And I will be praying over them and trying to hear God’s voice in all of this. But, this, of course, leads me to the title of this BLOG. In the 1960's the Byrds recorded the song entitled, “To Everything Turn, Turn, Turn” which is taken from Ecclesiastes 3. The song and the Scripture passage both make the profound point that every purpose has a time for it to be fulfilled. What is difficult for us as humans, is in knowing when that time is fulfilled.

And so, here is the point of all of this. What is the time or the season that I am in? What is the time for the purpose of the church I serve? These questions and many more like them, are questions that can’t be answered after a short time in prayer. They will require a lot more introspection and a lot more prayer. So, ultimately, it comes down to me hoping and praying that whatever is God’s will, it will be done.

Blessings always - DL

20100303.006 ON BEING STABBED IN THE BACK

20100303.006 ON BEING STABBED IN THE BACK

I have always been amazed when the movies portray someone being stabbed in the back. In some movies people are portrayed as dying immediately. In other movies there is the linger death. Since I have never been stabbed in the back in the literal sense, I can’t begin to guess which way is the most accurate. I will tell you that in the movie DUNE (director David Lynch) the images that stayed with me are when the Shadout Mapes and the Doctor are both stabbed in the back. In both images there appears lots of pain and they are still trying to get out what they needed to say. Nonetheless, the stabbing is crippling and they fall to the floor.

As I mentioned, I have never been stabbed in the back in the literal sense, but there have been times that I feel the virtual knife begin to poke me in the back. As of late I have been dealing with a lot of depression (and I mean A LOT!) And part of the depression is just me and what my body is doing (or rather NOT doing) with the chemicals that surround my brain. But part of that depression is also in knowing that no one has my back as it were. Now, before my many true friends feel hurt or slighted, I do know that you have my back and I appreciate that. But, there are times in life when we each must walk the journey alone. And, hard as you may try, you cannot be there for me. It just isn’t possible. And those are the times I am talking about. One of those times is in facing those people who for some reason or another hate me within the church. I am dealing with that currently. Hence, the reason for this BLOG (which is really long over due).

So I received a call from someone yesterday who passed on information about someone in the church who is writing letters to my higher ups, as it were. I say “as it were” because, in the Disciples of Christ, we really don’t have higher ups. We have a horizontal church. And that is one of the great things I LOVE about the DOC denomination. However, it also leads to the whole issue of having to walk that journey alone. You see, in other denominations that are more structured, my higher ups would be able to sit on me if I began to get out of line. But, also they could go to bat for me and tell any trouble makers that “they” (the trouble makers) needed to shut up and get out. In the DOC, they can only make suggestions. In both cases. But that means that ultimately I have to walk the journey alone when it comes to dealing with the trouble makers in the church. And this last rounder has really tired me out. I just don’t think I can do it anymore.

And so, in allusion to the title of the BLOG, I am feeling like I am being stabbed in the back. Of course, in total honesty, I am feeling like there is a line of people waiting to stab me. And each time I hear of something one of my detractors has done, I feel their knife go in. Please note, for what it is worth, I know those of you who are reading this now who are somewhat involved. Please DO NOT feel like I am condemning you. The fact remains, as I mentioned above, that there is only so much you can do. When push comes to shove, I still need to face it alone. I realize that the ones who are doing the stabbing honestly think they are doing God’s will. And for that they are to be pitied because in reality they are doing some of the most evil actions available. Some of the greatest evil has been wrought because people thought they were doing good.

The long and short of all of this is that there is only so much any one person can take. And I am nearing the end of my energies. Although I realize that God may be doing great things through all of this, I may have to quit before such great things are brought to fruition. And that means that the church will suffer, and other friends of mine will suffer all because I couldn’t wait it out. What I am saying is, there comes a time when eventually you say “enough is enough” and you put a shield on your back, or you simple step into another room where you are separated from the ones doing the stabbing.

Now, a couple of loose ends to tie up. First off, I am sure that those reading this BLOG are thinking, “Oh no! He is going to self-terminate” No, I am not going to do something like that. Although, I will confess that I prayer to God that he just take me away from the earth right now because I seem to be causing trouble everywhere I go! What I am talking about is the fact that I have a break coming up, because the Pastoral Relations Committee has requested I take one. The plan is for me to start my break April 18th. However, I honestly don’t feel like I can last that long. I am feeling like I want to step into the pulpit on 3/7 and say, “Enough is enough. I can’t take any more of this. I’m leaving” The problem is that this causes hurt and pain to a lot of people and I am feeling guilty about causing such pain.

Another loose end that needs to be tied up is my frustrations in dealing with a certain group that I have been a part of as a hobby. As strange as it is, they are going through similar problems. The end result is, I have already stepped out of working with them. Of course, dealing with a hobby and dealing with a vocation are two extreme differences. I have stepped out of participating with them, but that doesn’t mean I have really dealt with all the politics and back stabbing that they are doing as well. And sooner or later I will have to deal with that also. At this point in my life, I just want it to be later rather than sooner (much later, like within the next century, ha ha).

So, do I have a solutions to being stabbed in the back? Not really. The only solution that I can see is pulling myself out of the equation. And that is what I am going to eventually end up doing. The question comes done to how much more can I deal with it all? And the answer? Only God knows! - Blessings all - DL