MARRIED AND GAY 20170611.0601

In writing for posterity there may be some day in the distant future where someone happens upon this Blog and finds an obscure reference. The reference is how strange the idea of being married and gay was. Of course, now days when someone is gay and married it is assumed that they are married to the love of their life and that love is the same gender as they are. For me that wasn’t the case. I am gay and I was married at one time and it was to the love of my life, but the person was Kathleen Evelyn Kerlin. Not at all my same gender, or was she? It could be said that the qualities of Kate (as she liked to be called) that drew me to her was her masculine qualities. And it might also be said that the qualities that drew Kate to me were my feminine qualities, which I have many. I told Kate long before we ever talked about marriage that I was gay. And she told me that she was bisexual. We both struggled with what that meant in our lives since we were both studying to be ministers.

From our friendship and our need to be close to each other we decided that we should be married.  We also thought that such an action would make serving as ministers more feasible. And so, I proposed and we got married. It soon became apparent to me, at least from the way I felt, that Kate was my soul-mate. We completed each other's thoughts, we like similar things, and we enjoyed talking to each other. Lots and lots of talking! There were time we would stay up all night talking. It was like we just meshed so well together each person had found the other half of themselves. But, as Geoffrey Chaucer has stated, “All good things must come to an end.” That truism hit me hard when Kate died. Now, I still struggle with being gay and having been married to Kate. We were married for 9 years and 3 days. Not nearly enough time to spend together. But it was enough for us to have that connection.

When I first came out publicly as being gay after Kate’s death, it was assumed by many that I did so because I lost Kate and I no longer wanted to be with females because I hurt so much. Besides that not really making sense to me, it seems wrong on so many levels. What those people seem to forget is that I came out to Kate long before we even thought about marriage. I came out because I was tired of living a lie and I no longer had someone to be my confidant.

Since my coming out, I have met many men who have been married before they accepted their homosexuality. And when the marriage ended in someway, they came out. Of course, this is still difficult for those people who think it is a choice to accept that. The only choice involved is whether or not you are going to be honest with yourself.

So, here I am, 11 years after Kate has died, 20 years after we took the first steps into marriage and I am still struggling with what it means to be gay and to have been married to my soul-mate. I struggle because it seems so odd or strange. I struggle because I am still learning what it means to be gay. I struggle because I am still learning how to live life without a soul-mate. I struggle because it is the natural human condition to struggle.

Again, I come to the end of a Blog with no strong conclusions made, only more questions and more struggles, but that is all part of learning. As always blessings and please comment if you feel guided to. -- David L.

STRUGGLING WITH THE PRESENT FEAR 20170209.0201

So our world and our country are in turmoil. Our president has issues an executive order that has “upset the apple cart” and caused even more dissension and strife. The president is under the – I believe – mistaken assumption that everyone who is foreign is here to do us harm and we must guard ourselves from them and their ilk. Of course, the real question comes to my mind, is this really how he feels or is he still just playing the political game to appease his supporters? Whatever his intent and personal fears, this draws my attention to his supporters. Do they really have this innate fear, or is this a fear that has been planted in them from the presidents campaign? How can they live with such a fear? And what can I do to help rid them of this fear?

And so I am faced, yet again with fear as my topic of discussion. This time, however, I am dealing with the fear that others have. Don’t get me wrong, I have fears too.  I fear what the present administration is capable of doing. I fear what problems this administration may do to me as a gay man, and as a liberal Christian. I fear what the administration will do to the women and minorities in our communities. But I don’t have any fear of those seeking sanctuary in our country from their war ravaged homes.

Recently I read a blog post from a very wonderful Christian man by the name of Chris Glaser.( http://chrisglaser.blogspot.com/2017/02/what-i-pray-for-these-days.html ) In the post he explained how he was praying for this administration as well as the many peoples affected by the choices and decisions of this administration. And I must confess that I struggle with that. Not that Chris’ blog is wrong in anyway.  Far from it! But I am challenged by it to be a better Christian and I know that I fall so far from that lofty goal. You see, it is easy to pray for others.  But to pray with one’s heart, as I believe Chris is admonishing us to do, means being vulnerable and struggling to be authentic to our Christian witness. Im other words, I can find all sorts of complaints and problems with the president and his group of supporters, but I am not sure how to let go and be open to what they have to say, because it strikes me as so very wrong.

Yesterday, when I was riding in a friend’s car back from a book reading group that I attend, my friend spoke of her struggles with discussion with someone who was calling for her to look at policy and not anything else of the current administration.  And I am so very close to what she was saying.  That is a hard row to hoe! (Note to Eli: I hope I summarized our discussion correctly) But that is what we need to do to somehow find common ground between those in the struggle. If common ground is even available.

So, I leave you with no conclusion or resolution. I am still caught in this struggle and am in a conundrum as to what to do. And in the wonderful words of President Lincoln, “I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.” And so I offer up this pray, “Oh God, help me in this struggle – Amen!”

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY 20170117.0102

    It’s my birthday!  It is also the birthday for Ben Franklin, Jim Carrey, Michelle Obama, and Betty White!  Betty White, by the way, is 95 years old! And I am the same age as Michelle Obama (but she doesn’t look it). So, What am I doing on my birthday? I am writing this BLOG of course! And I am just thinking about some of the things that I have seen during my 53 years of life on this earth.
    I have seen the birth and development of the personal computer. I remember in eighth grade when my math teacher go a single personal computer and let me come in before school to learn how to use it. It was a blast!
    I remember in tenth grade moving to a new school in Colorado, and immediately connecting with several computer nerds and becoming a nerd myself. I also remember discovering the joy of the drama department and living a second life on the stage.
    I remember in College really beginning to struggle with what it meant to be Christian and gay and the feelings of being so very lost and alone.
    It was after I graduated from College, moved to Texas to be with my parents and counseling a Church camp that I received my calling to Seminary and Christian Ministry. And it was in Seminary that I began hoping that I could lead a normal life with my soul-mate Kate. I proposed and after we both graduated we got married. She knew full well I was gay and was willing to struggle with me. And I knew she was bi and I was willing to struggle with her. I adopted her two children and we began our lives as one family.  We moved and she was diagnosed with Systemic lupus and I began serving her church in her place.
    I have experienced her death in 2006 and the feeling of being lost and alone resurfaced. Struggling with depression and grief, all that while trying to make life work. Having my first mental breakdown and going to the hospital to be started on new medication.  Moving in with my parents in 2009 and taking care of them. In 2010 after dealing with a dysfunctional church and the havoc it was causing in my life, leaving that and feeling like I had failed the people who still cared for me and God.
    I remember living with my son and thinking that I was making life work finally only to have him berate me in front of my grand daughter, shortly after my 51st birthday. I stopped taking my medication, wrote a suicide note, and attempted suicide again.  My son threw me out of his trailer, and I was hospitalized for a second time. Now, as a depressed homeless man I was sent to the State Hospital and was started on new medication. When I was released, I was allowed to stay with a friend for a few days and then moved in with some other friends who opened their home and they hearts to me, loving me back into the world.
    I remember June of 2015 getting my own low income apartment. Trying to make things work and discovering myself all over again. It has been a time filled with going to support groups and counseling. Slowly coming out of a very dark place. Finding out how much diet and sleep affect my mood. There really is a lot more I could write here, but I won’t. I will end here knowing that I actually can say “I hope to have more days to come” and knowing that it has been a very hard road in getting to this place. So, Until next time, blessings in all you do!

FROM THE OLD YEAR TO THE NEW 20170103.0101

Hello everyone!  And welcome to the new year.  Just as others make resolutions this blog is sort of a resolution for me. But let me give you some of the back story to explain.  For most of 2016 I was attending a support group on depression as well as I was receiving private counseling for my depression. Then along came bed bugs.  Yes I got a dose of humility and somehow got an infestation of bed bugs.  Because of those bed bugs I had to quite the support group.  But I was allowed to continue on with the private counseling.  Which I did. But it was in the private counseling that I made the most headway in dealing with and coming to grips with my depression. Luckily the bed bugs have been treated numerous times and I seem to be bed bug free at the moment. But I also had my last counseling session because my counselor felt that I was at a point where I needed to work on my own. This did come with a caveat. I needed to have a group of family or friends who could check up on me.  Well, one friend in particular has taken this position seriously and gave me an assignment of sorts before the end of the year.  And here is the assignment:

“Thinking about 2016, I would like you to find 3 to 5 points where you feel you made a positive impact on yourself or those around you and determine how to incorporate these points into the new year.”

Well, I have thought long and hard over this assignment because for me it was very difficult.  But I feel I have an answer.  And these points are as following

BLOGGING MORE:
In 2016 I started back with blogging and I have come to realize that, even if no one else reads this, it has been very helpful to me as a person.  And so , I intend on blogging more in 2017.  I am going to shoot for blogging at least once a month. And if I do more then the better I am for it.

READING MORE:
In 2016 I also started reading a book entitled “THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION” by Brenee Brown.  Although I am not done with reading the book, it has become somewhat life changing. And so, I feel another point that has been helpful for me is reading such literature.  And so, in 2017 I plan on reading more such books ... afer I finish with Brenee’s book, of course.

SLEEPING/RESTING WITHOUT GUILT
It may seem strange, then again maybe it isn’t so strange, that a person who has trouble sleeping should feel guilt about sleeping and resting during the day.  In dealing with depression, one is cautioned against sleeping too much. I have found, however, that sometimes I need to just go back to my bed and zone out.  Most of the time I don’t actually sleep, but I do put on my CPAP machine, close my eyes, and allow my mind to just be. Maybe this is my form of meditation. Maybe it is a time for my mind to simply play.  Whatever is happening, in about an hour, I open my eyes, feel better, and continue on with my day. So, in 2017, I am going to do this more often as I feel the need.  And I am going to do this without guilt. I don’t know exactly what is happening, but I think it is a good thing for me and so I’m going to keep on doing it.

VOLUNTEER WHEN AND WHERE I CAN
During 2016 I found myself volunteering to feed the homeless at a local church, help with the Alternative Gift Market (https://www.alternativegifts.org/) and help sign people up for food boxes for Christmas. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, but the outcome of helping others is a major blessing for me.  And so, in 2017, I plan on doing this more and more. And, if there are others reading this and you have some ideas as to what and where I can volunteer, please include those in your comments at the end of this blog (or on my FACEBOOK page).

So, are these the only ways that I have touched myself or others for the better. No, but they are the points that I feel have made the most impact in my life.  I would be interested to hear from you all, if you can think of other ways that I may have made a positive impact on myself or others. And, of course, I look forward to hearing from my friend to see if she thinks I fulfilled the assignment as I think I have.  At any rate, may you all have a blessed and wonderful new year and please feel free to comment either here or on FACEBOOK.  Blessings always - David L.