First let me note that, although I am aware of the "Ancient and Honorable Order of Turtles," this post is not about being a member of such a group. This post is about being called a turtle by my medication provider recently in a counseling session.
Some people might take offense at being called a turtle, but I have been called much worse in my life so being a turtle is not problematic. And so there is a very good reason why she called me a turtle. It all has to do with my current and continued healing from my depression. So, let me take you back to the beginnings and try and explain myself
When I had my most recent break (nervous break down, emotional break, call it what you will), I had come to the conclusion that talking was highly over rated. In fact, I am still trying to get back into the flow of talking. That may seem like a strange thing to type, but it is true. You see, before my break I was being corrected about various things I said and did. In my eyes, I saw the corrections as telling me how wrong I was. I still see that from some people. And, of course, being told you are wrong enough times leads to feeling like a failure. Couple all of this with the church I had served for close to 10 years becoming a completely new church, new denomination, one that I really don’t see as being Christian, and my family basically telling me I am wrong, all leads to that failure feeling and feeling worthless and hopeless. Now can you begin to understand why I would chose to stop talking? And why it has become quite a struggle to start talking again? But ever so slowly I have begun to peek out from under my shell (to borrow on the turtle metaphor again) and look around. And it is because of this peeking that my medication provider called me a turtle, because she has seen it happen over the year and a half that she has watched my recovery.
So, I’m a turtle in the sense that I am slowly sticking out my head, looking around and moving toward recovery. And I am sure there are many other metaphors that could be used to represent me right now. I welcome you all to share those with me! But, one thing I need to try and NOT be is a jack rabbit – trying to jump ahead of my recovery. It is going to take a while and so I might as well savor the experience. Blessings always - David L.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
20160816.005 LEARNING FROM THE OLYMPICS
I have been watching the summer Olympics this year. Now, where as that shouldn’t be strange, for me it is! There are only a few sports that I am interested in. I am interested in swimming, diving, and gymnastics. But I have also found a new interest in track and field, dressage, and cycling. And I have found some lessons to learn and re-learn from all of these events as well as others that I have watched.
1) WINNING ISN’T EVERYTHING
Although it is great to win a gold in the Rio Olympics, there are several who don’t. Still they compete. They work hard, they strive for the best, and they finish the race. They don’t always win, but they try! So, winning isn’t everything, but trying is! Unless I try, I have failed, which up to today, I have failed in several areas of my life. But, it isn’t because I did something. It is because I gave up before doing anything. Therefore, I need to remember to try! No matter what, try! And if I don’t succeed, at least I tried and I can always try harder.
2) I AM NOT AN OLYMPIAN
I admit, I live vicariously through the US Olympians. I enjoy watching their competitions and I enjoy when they win. I wish secretly that I could be up there doing what they do and trying and winning like they try and win. But I am NOT an Olympian! At least not in those particular sports. I play the “what if?” game and continually ask myself, “what if I had done this or that or some other thing?” And it comes back to me that I never would have because I am me and I have had different lessons to learn in life. But, and here is where the rubber meets the road, I have done things in my life that the Olympians may never get to do. I will do things that may amaze them and wow them. And for this, I need to look back at and look forward to these opportunities and challenges in my own life! I may not be an Olympian, but I AM ME!
3) THERE IS NO “I” IN “TEAM”
Even though many of the athletes are competing by themselves, they still are competing as a specific country or organization and with the company of so many others who have helped them in their past and in the present. And although I can look back at problems in my life where I felt alone and lost, I need to look harder to see those who have picked me up and carried me into the hope of living. For them I am truly thankful that they have not given up on my hopeless situations – those very situations where I did give up. There is no “I” in the word “TEAM.” And there is no singular person in the ebb and flow of life. We all are interconnected and interrelated. And I have many people who have, who do, and who continue to help me in my recovery and in my living! And for them I am truly thankful!
I am sure there are other things that I have learned and that I will continue to learn and re-learn as I watch the Rio Games. So this is not an exhaustive list! Rather it is just a start. The important point above all is to open my eyes and my heart and be willing to learn from all situations. Because unless I learn, I will simply slide back further into my depression. As with all of my BLOG posts, I encourage and look forward to any comments that you, the readers, have for me – both what lessons I have not listed and what lessons you have learned in watching the Olympics and in life in general. And, as always, blessings in all ways! - David L.
1) WINNING ISN’T EVERYTHING
Although it is great to win a gold in the Rio Olympics, there are several who don’t. Still they compete. They work hard, they strive for the best, and they finish the race. They don’t always win, but they try! So, winning isn’t everything, but trying is! Unless I try, I have failed, which up to today, I have failed in several areas of my life. But, it isn’t because I did something. It is because I gave up before doing anything. Therefore, I need to remember to try! No matter what, try! And if I don’t succeed, at least I tried and I can always try harder.
2) I AM NOT AN OLYMPIAN
I admit, I live vicariously through the US Olympians. I enjoy watching their competitions and I enjoy when they win. I wish secretly that I could be up there doing what they do and trying and winning like they try and win. But I am NOT an Olympian! At least not in those particular sports. I play the “what if?” game and continually ask myself, “what if I had done this or that or some other thing?” And it comes back to me that I never would have because I am me and I have had different lessons to learn in life. But, and here is where the rubber meets the road, I have done things in my life that the Olympians may never get to do. I will do things that may amaze them and wow them. And for this, I need to look back at and look forward to these opportunities and challenges in my own life! I may not be an Olympian, but I AM ME!
3) THERE IS NO “I” IN “TEAM”
Even though many of the athletes are competing by themselves, they still are competing as a specific country or organization and with the company of so many others who have helped them in their past and in the present. And although I can look back at problems in my life where I felt alone and lost, I need to look harder to see those who have picked me up and carried me into the hope of living. For them I am truly thankful that they have not given up on my hopeless situations – those very situations where I did give up. There is no “I” in the word “TEAM.” And there is no singular person in the ebb and flow of life. We all are interconnected and interrelated. And I have many people who have, who do, and who continue to help me in my recovery and in my living! And for them I am truly thankful!
I am sure there are other things that I have learned and that I will continue to learn and re-learn as I watch the Rio Games. So this is not an exhaustive list! Rather it is just a start. The important point above all is to open my eyes and my heart and be willing to learn from all situations. Because unless I learn, I will simply slide back further into my depression. As with all of my BLOG posts, I encourage and look forward to any comments that you, the readers, have for me – both what lessons I have not listed and what lessons you have learned in watching the Olympics and in life in general. And, as always, blessings in all ways! - David L.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
20160809.004 THE HOMELESS BREAKFAST
Recently I was helping serve a breakfast at a local church. This particular church is needing volunteers the first Saturday of the month and I have a friend that also helps and is willing to pick me up and take me. So, there I was, spreading cream cheese on bagels all the while asking the people who came by the table if they wanted the bagels with cream cheese. And at one point I just sort of stopped and thought back to when I was homeless.
Now let me clarify. Although I was homeless at one point in my life, I was lucky enough to live with some friends. So, my situation was actually pretty wonderful compared to the people I was serving. The majority of these people live on the streets. The morning was compounded by the fact that it had rained during the early morning hours. Many of them were hungry and wet. And all of this – their plight, their struggle – caused me to ask myself, “Where would I be if I was in their situation?” I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be handling half as well as they all were. My depression would be in full bloom and I would probably have attempted suicide again, like I did before. I held a lot of respect for these people in need. I saw, with in them, a strength that I lack. And I honestly am not sure how to get that kind of strength.
It is said that strength comes from struggles. But how does one build the strength when the very struggle is too much to deal with? I am at a loss. If anyone who reads these blogs has a answer I would be very interested in what you might suggest. And that is where I leave this blog. Because I don’t know how I can gain such strength. And I have days where I fear that I will be in that position again. Until that time, I will continue to struggle and push forward as best I can. Blessings with you all. - David L.
Now let me clarify. Although I was homeless at one point in my life, I was lucky enough to live with some friends. So, my situation was actually pretty wonderful compared to the people I was serving. The majority of these people live on the streets. The morning was compounded by the fact that it had rained during the early morning hours. Many of them were hungry and wet. And all of this – their plight, their struggle – caused me to ask myself, “Where would I be if I was in their situation?” I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be handling half as well as they all were. My depression would be in full bloom and I would probably have attempted suicide again, like I did before. I held a lot of respect for these people in need. I saw, with in them, a strength that I lack. And I honestly am not sure how to get that kind of strength.
It is said that strength comes from struggles. But how does one build the strength when the very struggle is too much to deal with? I am at a loss. If anyone who reads these blogs has a answer I would be very interested in what you might suggest. And that is where I leave this blog. Because I don’t know how I can gain such strength. And I have days where I fear that I will be in that position again. Until that time, I will continue to struggle and push forward as best I can. Blessings with you all. - David L.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
20160806.003 ON BEING DEFINED
What does it mean when someone says, “That doesn’t define who I am,” or “This is what defines me?” Quite simply, it means that one is explained through a series of qualities and choices. So, the definition is rather simple, but to list the qualities and choices is a greater task by far. Recently, at one of my therapy sessions, I was faced with the issue of defining who I am verses what I do and therefore was given the arduous task of being defined. And it was painful and laborious! (And still is!) One wouldn’t think it should be so difficult, but it requires lots of soul searching and introspection. And time! I took about a month to complete my list and I am sure that if I really thought about it I could spend even more time and energy to add to my list.
Some of the qualities that define who I am are as follows. I am 52 years old which makes me middle aged. I pride myself on the art of paper folding, which means that I do origami. I am Christian. I am gay. I am male. And I am rather proud of my ability to compose music. Of these qualities, let me touch on a few of them below.
I am gay. First off, let me note that being gay is not an action. It is not something I do. It is a quality. And it isn’t a choice. It is like a thread that is woven in the tapestry that I call my life. I think about things in a gay way, feel feelings in a gay way, and experience life as a gay male. I know there are many people who would disagree with me, but this is how I understand my life. I can’t understand how a straight male understands life. I can try to understand but after everything is said and done, I still see life from the eyes of a gay man. When I was 4 years old, I remember clearly running through the house and stopping to realizing that I am somehow different than my two brothers and my sister. I didn’t have a name for that difference until 6th grade. But, back then I knew there was something different about me. And that difference still remains
I am Christian. Unlike being gay, being Christian is a choice. A choice that I made when I was about 10 years old. It is a choice that I have questioned many times through my life but I still come back to the belief that is Christian. Being Christian makes sense to me. Even though I happen to accept other faith beliefs and realize that others may not fit with the ideas of Christianity, I do fit with it and so I gladly call myself a Christian. Some people may question how I can be gay and a Christian at the same time. Trust me, I struggle with the internal voices that I have grown up with, the voices of condemnation and ridicule are never too far from me and the louder those in society spew their hatred, the more pain I feel and struggle with. But, as I noted earlier, I can’t see myself following any other faith journey.
I am a musician. I speak the metaphorical and poetic language of music, and when I compose a piece of music, my soul is given a voice to sing. I can’t imagine what life would be like without the language of music to give it voice. It must be what a painter feels when they look at something and can express it in the hues and tones of paint. And to live without that language must be what real silence is like.
But just like this is only the tip of the iceberg that is David, I will continue in seeking to understand myself and define who and what I am. And I would be interested of those of you who know me and those of you who don’t to comment on what you think of my definition. And, as I have mentioned many times before, Blessing be with you always. -- David L.
Some of the qualities that define who I am are as follows. I am 52 years old which makes me middle aged. I pride myself on the art of paper folding, which means that I do origami. I am Christian. I am gay. I am male. And I am rather proud of my ability to compose music. Of these qualities, let me touch on a few of them below.
I am gay. First off, let me note that being gay is not an action. It is not something I do. It is a quality. And it isn’t a choice. It is like a thread that is woven in the tapestry that I call my life. I think about things in a gay way, feel feelings in a gay way, and experience life as a gay male. I know there are many people who would disagree with me, but this is how I understand my life. I can’t understand how a straight male understands life. I can try to understand but after everything is said and done, I still see life from the eyes of a gay man. When I was 4 years old, I remember clearly running through the house and stopping to realizing that I am somehow different than my two brothers and my sister. I didn’t have a name for that difference until 6th grade. But, back then I knew there was something different about me. And that difference still remains
I am Christian. Unlike being gay, being Christian is a choice. A choice that I made when I was about 10 years old. It is a choice that I have questioned many times through my life but I still come back to the belief that is Christian. Being Christian makes sense to me. Even though I happen to accept other faith beliefs and realize that others may not fit with the ideas of Christianity, I do fit with it and so I gladly call myself a Christian. Some people may question how I can be gay and a Christian at the same time. Trust me, I struggle with the internal voices that I have grown up with, the voices of condemnation and ridicule are never too far from me and the louder those in society spew their hatred, the more pain I feel and struggle with. But, as I noted earlier, I can’t see myself following any other faith journey.
I am a musician. I speak the metaphorical and poetic language of music, and when I compose a piece of music, my soul is given a voice to sing. I can’t imagine what life would be like without the language of music to give it voice. It must be what a painter feels when they look at something and can express it in the hues and tones of paint. And to live without that language must be what real silence is like.
But just like this is only the tip of the iceberg that is David, I will continue in seeking to understand myself and define who and what I am. And I would be interested of those of you who know me and those of you who don’t to comment on what you think of my definition. And, as I have mentioned many times before, Blessing be with you always. -- David L.
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