Sometimes it is dangerous when I think. LOL! But not now. I have been thinking about my self talk and I realize that much of my self talk is negative. Since negative self talk tends to aggravate depression and since positive self talk aids in recovery, I have been working on the positive side of self talk. So, I have started to live by a new motto. I CAN AND I WILL. Let me explain what that means.
It started with me working on exercising. I CAN exercise and so I CAN lose weight. When I lose weight I CAN build muscle and I CAN look better and think better about myself. (I am actually down to 262 lbs since the first of the year.) And since I have been doing this positive self talk and I have been working on exercise as well as eating a little better and losing weight, I WILL achieve what I set out to do. I WILL be better looking I WILL be more positive and I WILL rise above my depression.
And so, I CAN AND I WILL is now my new motto to live by. Whenever I am thinking negative, I stop myself and I tell myself I CAN AND I WILL. When I do my morning exercises I tell myself, I CAN AND I WILL. Do I still slip up now and then and entertain negative thoughts? Yes, but I CAN AND I WILL be more positive over all. And here is when I need extra help from my friends. When I seem to slip up and fall into a negative frame, I ask that my friends remind me that I CAN AND I WILL! So let’s go and make today a great day! Because I CAN AND I WILL!
Monday, July 27, 2015
Sunday, July 19, 2015
20150720.007 RAMBLINGS
Based on the title of this blog you might assume that I am going to just ramble about various things, and you would be correct. So here goes.
Recently I was perusing FACEBOOK and happened across a meme that said, “STRANGE, BUT PEOPLE WITHOUT GUNS RARELY SHOOT ANYONE.” I mention this because it started an interesting conversation within my head. Even if I had a gun, I doubt that I would shoot anyone. I tend to be a pacifist. I abhor violence and the most I ever do in way of violence is yell. And even then, it is more comical rather than scary. But the conversation is deeper than anything like that. I have also been watching ARROW and DAREDEVIL on NETFLIX and living out a super hero’s life vicariously. But, I realize that I could never be a super hero. Besides the fact that I am fat and I would look horrible in tights, I just can’t deal with violence. It isn’t who I am. In fact, I would rather die than have to inflict violence on another. Ultimately, I believe that violence is NOT the answer.
I went to Church this morning and had an ah-ha moment. Maybe the reason why life seems to be at a standstill for me is because it is. Maybe I need to experience Sabbath - rest! Maybe the reason why I failed so miserably at the church was because I was so convinced that I need to keep plugging away at something - anything - and so I met a brick wall to get me to simply STOP. I encountered the people who just wanted me gone. Ah ha!
I wonder if I will ever get to the gym to exercise. For that matter, does it really matter where I go? I need to exercise here and get my butt in gear. Will it always be a never ending struggle to do something? Will I ever get an answer?
Here ends the ramblings. Now back to your regularly scheduled blog already in progress! Blessings everyone! - David L.
Recently I was perusing FACEBOOK and happened across a meme that said, “STRANGE, BUT PEOPLE WITHOUT GUNS RARELY SHOOT ANYONE.” I mention this because it started an interesting conversation within my head. Even if I had a gun, I doubt that I would shoot anyone. I tend to be a pacifist. I abhor violence and the most I ever do in way of violence is yell. And even then, it is more comical rather than scary. But the conversation is deeper than anything like that. I have also been watching ARROW and DAREDEVIL on NETFLIX and living out a super hero’s life vicariously. But, I realize that I could never be a super hero. Besides the fact that I am fat and I would look horrible in tights, I just can’t deal with violence. It isn’t who I am. In fact, I would rather die than have to inflict violence on another. Ultimately, I believe that violence is NOT the answer.
I went to Church this morning and had an ah-ha moment. Maybe the reason why life seems to be at a standstill for me is because it is. Maybe I need to experience Sabbath - rest! Maybe the reason why I failed so miserably at the church was because I was so convinced that I need to keep plugging away at something - anything - and so I met a brick wall to get me to simply STOP. I encountered the people who just wanted me gone. Ah ha!
I wonder if I will ever get to the gym to exercise. For that matter, does it really matter where I go? I need to exercise here and get my butt in gear. Will it always be a never ending struggle to do something? Will I ever get an answer?
Here ends the ramblings. Now back to your regularly scheduled blog already in progress! Blessings everyone! - David L.
Monday, July 13, 2015
20150713.006 - DREAMS DON’T COME TRUE
This past weekend I went to see a musical called “Billy Elliot” It was awesome! The dancing was amazing! The music was great! Truly, a wonderful musical to see! So, why have I become so sad because of it? Well, That is why I am writing this blog post! To explain just that!
When I was in high school, I had a dream to become an actor. I had great hopes that I would act on Broadway or in the movies. Of course, I also wanted to do all of the things that actors did. I wanted to sing, I wanted to dance, and yes, I even took ballet. And I was reasonably good doing it. But, as I graduated from college and began moving on with life, all of that dream went to the back burner. I would have been happy with doing community theater, but that never arose. I simply helped out at the occasional Christmas play. But even that was enough to satiate my dream.
Now, here I am! I am a 51 year old fat man who struggles with just living life from day to day. And I go and watch a musical about a young boy who stumbles into a ballet class and is actually good at it. And I realize that my dreams don’t come true. My dreams may never come true. I am not going to ever be on Broadway, I am not going to ever dance in community theater, I am never going to fulfill those dreams of stage or screen even at the lowest of levels. And that is why I am so sad. It is heart wrenching to realize that your dreams have been shattered while you weren’t looking! It is even more heart wrenching to realize that all of the choices and decisions you have made in your life have come to this moment. Is there an answer to all of this? Possibly, but for right now I am wallowing in my grief and sorrow. (A side note here. Now is the time when you might want to comment and say that surely things can’t be that bad, there is always hope, and I just need to look on the bright side of life! (and cue Monty Python music!)) At any rate, in spite of my dreams being shattered, and life being in the crapper, may you be blessed for taking the time to read this! - David L.
When I was in high school, I had a dream to become an actor. I had great hopes that I would act on Broadway or in the movies. Of course, I also wanted to do all of the things that actors did. I wanted to sing, I wanted to dance, and yes, I even took ballet. And I was reasonably good doing it. But, as I graduated from college and began moving on with life, all of that dream went to the back burner. I would have been happy with doing community theater, but that never arose. I simply helped out at the occasional Christmas play. But even that was enough to satiate my dream.
Now, here I am! I am a 51 year old fat man who struggles with just living life from day to day. And I go and watch a musical about a young boy who stumbles into a ballet class and is actually good at it. And I realize that my dreams don’t come true. My dreams may never come true. I am not going to ever be on Broadway, I am not going to ever dance in community theater, I am never going to fulfill those dreams of stage or screen even at the lowest of levels. And that is why I am so sad. It is heart wrenching to realize that your dreams have been shattered while you weren’t looking! It is even more heart wrenching to realize that all of the choices and decisions you have made in your life have come to this moment. Is there an answer to all of this? Possibly, but for right now I am wallowing in my grief and sorrow. (A side note here. Now is the time when you might want to comment and say that surely things can’t be that bad, there is always hope, and I just need to look on the bright side of life! (and cue Monty Python music!)) At any rate, in spite of my dreams being shattered, and life being in the crapper, may you be blessed for taking the time to read this! - David L.
Monday, July 6, 2015
20150706.005 ANOTHER MARRIAGE EQUALITY POST ...
20150706.005 ANOTHER MARRIAGE EQUALITY POST ...
Yes! I confess! This is another post about marriage equality, the SCOTUS ruling, and the hateful bigots who are crying foul. If you don’t want to read such stuff, stop here. Go get an ice cold drink. Eat a snickers. Do anything but continue on! There will now be a short pause so you can stop reading ... {PAUSE} ... There! Now that those people have left the rest of you can sit back and listen to my rant ... or whatever one might call it.
Being a gay Christian minister, I have felt bombarded from all sides of this issue. There are those who scream how the gays are going to start attacking them, suing them, and the like because the gays feel the law is behind them. And I am sure there are those who listen to that side and get egged on in their attitudes of hatred and vindication toward the LGBTQ community. Then there are those who see this as a monumental achievement and the LGBTQ community can now sit back and rest for finally getting this authorized in the country. And thirdly there are those who see this ruling as a step towards a much larger goal of acceptance and welcoming within society. As for me, I sit firmly in the third camp. YES! It is a great step, but it is only one step of a million yet to go. WHY? Because people can still be fired from work because they are gay in many states. For that matter, people can be evicted, denied service, all with the undertone of being or appearing gay. But, is this really any different from what people of color have had to face in our country since the 1950's? No, it isn’t. And so, it is going to be a long, long road that we must walk until we get to that point of full acceptance in society. For that matter, people of color are still struggling as are women! (We still don’t have an equal pay law for women in the work place!)
So, now comes the time in my little rant to ask, “how can we change?” or “how can we make the change that is needed in society?” I dare say, I don’t have an answer. I just know we need to keep plugging along and working for some kind of change. I am sure that “my kind” will always feel, in one way or another, as if we are societal fringe. And I’m not sure that feeling will ever change in my lifetime. I still live in fear that I will be found out by a group of conservative zealots and I will be “gay bashed.” I still wonder what will happen if the church I attend finds out that I am gay. (There are a few people who know and accept me, but what would happened if the church as a whole found out?) I still question if it is even possible for my friends to treat me normal or what being treated normal really means! I must confess I didn’t realize in my younger years that as a middle aged man I would be facing gay-angst, but I am. As always, I welcome your comments to these words either below or on my FACEBOOK page. Blessings always! - D Larson
Yes! I confess! This is another post about marriage equality, the SCOTUS ruling, and the hateful bigots who are crying foul. If you don’t want to read such stuff, stop here. Go get an ice cold drink. Eat a snickers. Do anything but continue on! There will now be a short pause so you can stop reading ... {PAUSE} ... There! Now that those people have left the rest of you can sit back and listen to my rant ... or whatever one might call it.
Being a gay Christian minister, I have felt bombarded from all sides of this issue. There are those who scream how the gays are going to start attacking them, suing them, and the like because the gays feel the law is behind them. And I am sure there are those who listen to that side and get egged on in their attitudes of hatred and vindication toward the LGBTQ community. Then there are those who see this as a monumental achievement and the LGBTQ community can now sit back and rest for finally getting this authorized in the country. And thirdly there are those who see this ruling as a step towards a much larger goal of acceptance and welcoming within society. As for me, I sit firmly in the third camp. YES! It is a great step, but it is only one step of a million yet to go. WHY? Because people can still be fired from work because they are gay in many states. For that matter, people can be evicted, denied service, all with the undertone of being or appearing gay. But, is this really any different from what people of color have had to face in our country since the 1950's? No, it isn’t. And so, it is going to be a long, long road that we must walk until we get to that point of full acceptance in society. For that matter, people of color are still struggling as are women! (We still don’t have an equal pay law for women in the work place!)
So, now comes the time in my little rant to ask, “how can we change?” or “how can we make the change that is needed in society?” I dare say, I don’t have an answer. I just know we need to keep plugging along and working for some kind of change. I am sure that “my kind” will always feel, in one way or another, as if we are societal fringe. And I’m not sure that feeling will ever change in my lifetime. I still live in fear that I will be found out by a group of conservative zealots and I will be “gay bashed.” I still wonder what will happen if the church I attend finds out that I am gay. (There are a few people who know and accept me, but what would happened if the church as a whole found out?) I still question if it is even possible for my friends to treat me normal or what being treated normal really means! I must confess I didn’t realize in my younger years that as a middle aged man I would be facing gay-angst, but I am. As always, I welcome your comments to these words either below or on my FACEBOOK page. Blessings always! - D Larson
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