20150825.009 - REPEAT . . . AD NAUSEAM

There are some lessons that bear repeating in one’s life.  And then there are the lessons that repeat and repeat and repeat until you are totally sick of them.  But, you have to repeat them over and over again because they are profound in the moment of discovery. Such is the case of me coming out! “But, David, We have heard this all before!” I can just imagine you all saying that! And, I know this is a rehash. But Recently I had an “ah-ha” moment where I realized it yet again. During a therapy meeting I was discussing my fear of coming out gay. As you all should know from reading my blogs, I am gay and one never come out only once, but over and over again. And each time that one comes out, there tends to be an innate fear. My fears tend to get the best of me, hence the reason why I am doing therapy.  At any rate, I was discussing my fear and came to realize that much of my fear can be made up and self-imposed. That is, until I got home and talked with my daughter about her visit with her fiance’s brother who is also gay.  When I ask how the meeting went, she said, “It was good.  And he was surprised to find that my father was gay. He relaxed and was more of himself after that.” And that described my same feelings that I was trying to explain to my therapist. Someone else had that same feeling, the same uncertainty, the same weary sense of one’s nature that I experience as well. Now, mind you , mine can get out of hand, but I am working on that issue. And, over all, it is a sense of relief that I am not so different from others.

So, the next time I start to feel the sense of foreboding that comes from the coming out process, I will work extra hard to not feel isolated and alone.  There are others who experience similar feeling and frustrations, I am sure. So, until next time, take care and  you all have a blessed life! - David L.

20150727.008 I CAN AND I WILL

Sometimes it is dangerous when I think. LOL!  But not now. I have been thinking about my self talk and I realize that much of my self talk is negative. Since negative self talk tends to aggravate depression and since positive self talk aids in recovery, I have been working on the positive side of self talk.  So, I have started to live by a new motto.  I CAN AND I WILL.  Let me explain what that means.

It started with me working on exercising.  I CAN exercise and so I CAN lose weight. When I lose weight I CAN build muscle and I CAN look better and think better about myself. (I am actually down to 262 lbs since the first of the year.) And since I have been doing this positive self talk and I have been working on exercise as well as eating a little better and losing weight, I WILL achieve what I set out to do. I WILL be better looking I WILL be more positive and I WILL rise above my depression.

And so, I CAN AND I WILL is now my new motto to live by.  Whenever I am thinking negative, I stop myself and I tell myself I CAN AND I WILL. When I do my morning exercises I tell myself, I CAN AND I WILL. Do I still slip up now and then and entertain negative thoughts? Yes, but I CAN AND I WILL be more positive over all. And here is when I need extra help from my friends.  When I seem to slip up and fall into a negative frame, I ask that my friends remind me that I CAN AND I WILL! So let’s go and make today a great day!  Because I CAN AND I WILL!

20150720.007 RAMBLINGS

Based on the title of this blog you might assume that I am going to just ramble about various things, and you would be correct.  So here goes.

Recently I was perusing FACEBOOK and happened across a meme that said, “STRANGE, BUT PEOPLE WITHOUT GUNS RARELY SHOOT ANYONE.” I mention this because it started an interesting conversation within my head. Even if I had a gun, I doubt that I would shoot anyone. I tend to be a pacifist. I abhor violence and the most I ever do in way of violence is yell.  And even then, it is more comical rather than scary.  But the conversation is deeper than anything like that. I have also been watching ARROW and DAREDEVIL on NETFLIX and living out a super hero’s life vicariously. But, I realize that I could never be a super hero.  Besides the fact that I am fat and I would look horrible in tights, I just can’t deal with violence.  It isn’t who I am. In fact, I would rather die than have to inflict violence on another. Ultimately, I believe that violence is NOT the answer.

I went to Church this morning and had an ah-ha moment.  Maybe the reason why life seems to be at a standstill for me is because it is.  Maybe I need to experience Sabbath - rest! Maybe the reason why I failed so miserably at the church was because I was so convinced that I need to keep plugging away at something - anything - and so I met a brick wall to get me to simply STOP. I encountered the people who just wanted me gone. Ah ha!

I wonder if I will ever get to the gym to exercise. For that matter, does it really matter where I go? I need to exercise here and get my butt in gear. Will it always be a never ending struggle to do something? Will I ever get an answer?

Here ends the ramblings. Now back to your regularly scheduled blog already in progress! Blessings everyone! - David L.

20150713.006 - DREAMS DON’T COME TRUE

This past weekend I went to see a musical called “Billy Elliot” It was awesome! The dancing was amazing! The music was great! Truly, a wonderful musical to see!  So, why have I become so sad because of it? Well, That is why I am writing this blog post!  To explain just that!

When I was in high school, I had a dream to become an actor.  I had great hopes that I would act on Broadway or in the movies. Of course, I also wanted to do all of the things that actors did.  I wanted to sing, I wanted to dance, and yes, I even took ballet. And I was reasonably good doing it. But, as I graduated from college and began moving on with life, all of that dream went to the back burner. I would have been happy with doing community theater, but that never arose. I simply helped out at the occasional Christmas play. But even that was enough to satiate my dream.

Now, here I am! I am a 51 year old fat man who struggles with just living life from day to day. And I go and watch a musical about a young boy who stumbles into a ballet class and is actually good at it.  And I realize that my dreams don’t come true. My dreams may never come true. I am not going to ever be on Broadway, I am not going to ever dance in community theater, I am never going to fulfill those dreams of stage or screen even at the lowest of levels. And that is why I am so sad.  It is heart wrenching to realize that your dreams have been shattered while you weren’t looking!  It is even more heart wrenching to realize that all of the choices and decisions you have made in your life have come to this moment. Is there an answer to all of this?  Possibly, but for right now I am wallowing in my grief and sorrow. (A side note here.  Now is the time when you might want to comment and say that surely things can’t be that bad, there is always hope, and I just need to look on the bright side of life! (and cue Monty Python music!)) At any rate, in spite of my dreams being shattered, and life being in the crapper, may you be blessed for taking the time to read this! - David L.

20150706.005 ANOTHER MARRIAGE EQUALITY POST ...

20150706.005 ANOTHER MARRIAGE EQUALITY POST ...

Yes! I confess!  This is another post about marriage equality, the SCOTUS ruling, and the hateful bigots who are crying foul. If you don’t want to read such stuff, stop here. Go get an ice cold drink. Eat a snickers.  Do anything but continue on! There will now be a short pause so you can stop reading ... {PAUSE} ... There! Now that those people have left the rest of you can sit back and listen to my rant ... or whatever one might call it.

Being a gay Christian minister, I have felt bombarded from all sides of this issue.  There are those who scream how the gays are going to start attacking them, suing them, and the like because the gays feel the law is behind them. And I am sure there are those who listen to that side and get egged on in their attitudes of hatred and vindication toward the LGBTQ community. Then there are those who see this as a monumental achievement and the LGBTQ community can now sit back and rest for finally getting this authorized in the country. And thirdly there are those who see this ruling as a step towards a much larger goal of acceptance and welcoming within society.  As for me, I sit firmly in the third camp. YES! It is a great step, but it is only one step of a million yet to go. WHY?  Because people can still be fired from work because they are gay in many states. For that matter, people can be evicted, denied service, all with the undertone of being or appearing gay. But, is this really any different from what people of color have had to face in our country since the 1950's? No, it isn’t. And so, it is going to be a long, long road that we must walk until we get to that point of full acceptance in society. For that matter, people of color are still struggling as are women! (We still don’t have an equal pay law for women in the work place!)

So, now comes the time in my little rant to ask, “how can we change?” or “how can we make the change that is needed in society?”  I dare say, I don’t have an answer. I just know we need to keep plugging along and working for some kind of change. I am sure that “my kind” will always feel, in one way or another, as if we are societal fringe.  And I’m not sure that feeling will ever change in my lifetime. I still live in fear that I will be found out by a group of conservative zealots and I will be “gay bashed.” I still wonder what will happen if the church I attend finds out that I am gay. (There are a few people who know and accept me, but what would happened if the church as a whole found out?) I still question if it is even possible for my friends to treat me normal or what being treated normal really means! I must confess I didn’t realize in my younger years that as a middle aged man I would be facing gay-angst, but I am. As always, I welcome your comments to these words either below or on my FACEBOOK page. Blessings always! - D Larson 

20150616.004 - I HAVE MOVED

20150616.004 - I HAVE MOVED

OK!  I’VE MOVED! (Massive trumpet fanfare!) The fanfare isn’t for me moving.  It is for me getting an apartment, getting moved into it and feeling somewhat settled in my new home. I own my life to my friends Eli & Richard and for putting up with me for so long. I also owe my life to my daughter who, through all of it, never gave up on me and still considers me part of the family.  My son, is another story.  He wants nothing to do with me and has gone so far as to request that I stop texting him.  So, that is what I have done. My friends Rollin, Michelle, Mike, Art, and so many more that I am forgetting right now, have also been there for me to talk, to struggle with, and so on and so forth. A major THANK YOU to everyone who still considers me someone you want to be with.

But, with moving comes something that I haven’t done for sometime.  CLEANING HOUSE.  When my son dropped off my stuff before he claimed I was rejecting him, I began unpacking and realized that I had a lot of stuff that doesn’t need to be carried around all the time.  Much of it was in the form of papers and old bills.  So, I started shredding. A side note, I must confess that there is a catharsis in shredding bills. You all should try it sometime. At any rate, shredding bills, throwing away other things that are considered useless, garbage, or whatever, and generally trying to pare down has been the major task at hand. But, in paring down, I realize that there is also some emotional baggage that I need to shuck. And so, here is the focus of this blog.  TO those I have wronged, I am sorry and I ask for your forgiveness.  To those who have wronged me, (like my son) I am working diligently to rid myself of those hurt feelings and I am in process of forgiving you. I say “process” because it is just that - a process that takes time. Therefore, consider yourselves forgiven, (even though I am still working at it.) Blessings to you all.

20150311.003 - A LONG TIME IN COMING

20150311.003  A LONG TIME IN COMING

Dear Bloggies (Blog friends -- What does one call their blog followers Comments are welcome!), this blog has been a long time in coming (Hence the title – Clever, Don’t you think? LOL!) And, I must apologize ahead of time. This blog isn’t really very short, nor is it going to be humorous.  It is, however, much needed from my perspective.  You see, this blog is about my latest trip to the hospital. (The funny farm, wacko ranch, whatever you might call it) It is needed because, although I have been trying to journal, it hasn’t been very consistent and it is much easier to sum up what I have been writing instead of invite everyone over to read my journal one by one. Although the later option does have some major pluses to it.
At any rate (by the way, I say this a lot so get used to it), this year my birthday SUCKED! Not because of having a 51st birthday, but because life started unraveling. I claim that it started with an argument with my son, but, in all honesty, it goes farther back than that.  Much farther.  But my son, bless him, has had much to do with it. The argument is rather silly centering on the fact that I just wanted to share something with my granddaughter, but he thought it was more important to punish his niece instead.  That, in its self, is a rather long story, so suffice to say I felt like my authority was challenged and that he owed (owes) me an apology.  As I look back on how he reacted and has continued to react, I realize that something else is at play, but I only guesses as to what that is. So, continuing on, one thing lead to another and to another until Monday morning many of you would have read on my Facebook that he rubbed in my face that he didn’t apologize and wasn’t ever going to.  That lead to me posting that MAYBE I should just kill myself and that he would like that wouldn’t he. He then jumped to conclusions and claimed that I WAS going to kill myself.  (Again, I have my guesses as to why he did that, but the walls have ears, if you know what I mean!) At any rate, I was at a medical clinic when he shows up and says that he is going to take me to ComCare Crisis or he can call the police. So I left and was picked up my the police.  Now, at this point all of my threats to self-terminate where just that, threats.  I seem to do that when I want people to listen to me and the very ones who should be listening REFUSE! I talked with the people at ComCare Crisis and was released to the care of one of my friends.  I stayed with him until the evening of the 20th when I received a text message from Kyell implying that he was going to destroy my stuff. So I had my friend take me back to my son’s trailer and I locked myself in my room.

I woke up, Wednesday morning to Kyell taking the door knob off of the door. His claim was that I was acting like a child so I might as well be treated like a child.  That pushed me over the edge.  When he left I took 100 Advil. I later woke up to realize that all it did was make me nauseous!  Thursday morning I waited until it sounded like Kyell had left, so I tried a belt around my neck. When that didn’t work I tried a rope!  I just couldn’t keep it tight enough. And finally I tried a plastic bag!  And still couldn’t hold it tight enough.  I often complain how I am a failure at everything.  Looking back, I guess that self terminating is a good thing to be a failure at.  At some point after I gave up on strangulation and I continued to hope that the advil would do something.  Kyell came back in and started badgering me again.  That is when I confessed that I had just tried to kill myself.  Kyell didn’t see his connection in all of it. And said that if I couldn’t get up and get dressed I was being kicked out.  That is when I said, “Fine. I am out!” And so I got up, got dressed, and walked out the door never to be ALLOWED back.

My next stop was to ComCare Crisis AGAIN!  I went there knowing that, at least, I would have a place to stay.  I was transported to Saint Joseph Hospital and then to Good Shepherd. Since I was off my meds, and I wasn’t sure that my meds were even working anyway, considering every thing that had happened, They started me on different meds. I was put on Cymbalta.  To aid in my massive dips they added Abilify. And to help in stabilizing me, I was sent to Ossamatomie State Hospital (OSH).  Then after OSH, I was put into the care of a friend and then from there came to the friends’ house where I am living now.  Through it all, I have experience anger,  frustration, immense sadness, hopelessness, and relived grief, pain, rejection, and everything that I have experienced since I was a kid. Now, I know that all of this last part is very vague, but The fact that has held true all of it is that my friends have been more of a family to me than my family has. Is that odd?  Possibly! But it seems that “Family by choice” is always stronger than family has every been for me.  Blessings all!

20150307.002

Wow! I asked on Facebook who would want me to start blogging again. I was surprised by the responses. But with the responses came the need to fulfill some goals. Not the least of which is to make my blogs a little less verbose. To those who are not as eruditious as I think I am, that means not to use so many words or too big of words. All of which I tend to do. As of right now, I am typing this on my tablet which I watch COWBOYS AND ALIENS. Trust me, it is interesting to try and type which watching that. Hopefully I will post something more profound before the end of next week. Until then, enjoy reading my past blogs. Blessings all! D E LARSON

201501116.001 FRIDAY - A VERY SPECIAL DAY

20150116.001 FRIDAY - A VERY SPECIAL DAY

It has been a long long time.  Too long as far as some may be concerned and not long enough as far as others may consider it.  But, nonetheless, I am back writing and I hope that I can actually pick back up and be more consistent in this endeavor.

TODAY is a very special day.  You see, I have a difficult time remember important things.  In one of the student churches I serve in Seminary, one of my church members called me the absent minded professor. She, of course, did it in jest, but there was a kernel of truth behind it.  Those who know me also know that I have a mind and a memory like a colander.  What goes in often times drains out faster than what anyone thought it could.  Of course, in the same vein, I actually have a great memory when it comes to numbers or rhythms or music.  It was because of that poor memory of not remembering important things and the good memory of numbers that today, January 16th, became such a special day.

For me, realizing that I have a poor memory and the continual fears of forgetting various anniversaries I chose January 16th ( The day before my birthday) to be the day that I proposed to Kate (Kathleen Evelyn Kerlin) - my soul mate. We were still in Seminary, albeit it was the last semester of Seminary.  And it was the time that is known as “Minister’s Week.”  “Minister’s Week” was a time for certain speakers to come and speak on a specific theme. And on the evening of January 16th, the first day of “Minister’s Week” everyone was to gather for a catered dinner.  And so here is what I planned.  I had asked one of my friends, Michael Oberlender, to go and get me a rose.  I already had the ring because Kate knew that I would at some point be proposing (let’s face it, we planned things a bit too much during that time in our lives! LOL!) and so she had given me the ring to hold. My plan was to tie the ring to the rose and during the dinner, in front of everyone who had gathered, I would get down on one knee and sing Dites Moi.  (for those of you who are not familiar to the song, here is a clip http://youtu.be/2W4o4VM2Kbc) It was a great plan except for a few things.  Micheal couldn’t get a rose for me. Which was actually a good thing in 20/20 hind sight because I later found out that Kate was allergic to roses! The end result was, after finding out that Michael couldn’t get me the rose and we were getting close to needing to leave for the dinner. I stuck my hand in my pocket, felt the ring box and decided then and there to propose.  So I went down on one knee and sang to Kate in front of her computer. She laughed and said, “How romantic!  Because we first met in front of the computers in undergraduate." And I said, “Oh, well I planned it that way” And she smiled and said, no you didn’t! And then we both laughed and life was good and she said, YES!

So, As you walk through your life today, if you can imagine a young person on bended knee before the person of their dreams and they happen to be singing Dites Moi, smile, then know that 19 years ago I was moved to sing that song to my soul mate!

Blessings Always! - D E L

TRANSLATION: Dites-Moi (Tell me)

Dites-moi (Tell me)  Pourquoi (Why) 
La vie est belle, (Life is beautiful?)
Dies-moi (Tell me)  Pourquoi (Why)
La vie est gai, (Life is gay?)
Dites-moi (Tell me)  Pourquoi, (Why)
Chere Mad'moiselle, (Dear Miss?)
Est-ce que (Is it) Parce que (Because)
Vous m'aimez? (You love me?)

(Translation taken from http://lyricstranslate.com/en/dites-moi-tell-me.html#ixzz3Oxc9in4n)