WHO CARES? . . .

I have a friend, at least I still call him “friend.” He has been making my life difficult. Now to those of you who are my friends and you are getting paranoid that it might be you, I will assure you of a few things. First off, if you are reading this, it probably isn’t you because “he” doesn’t have a FACEBOOK account and the only place that I have been posting the link to this is on FACEBOOK. So, why am I talking about him if he will not be reading this? Because I highly doubt that he would accept any kind of direction from me at this point. Here is his problems.

First, he is horribly lonely. He recently left his wife because he wasn’t communicating with her. This is something I don’t understand. If you get married, you need to communicate! It is obvious. And if talking doesn’t work because you start yelling then you need to write letters. Somehow, someway, you need to communicate, both feelings and thoughts (which can be separate things) and you need to be willing because of LOVE to accept your partner’s feelings and thoughts as well - without value judgements! Anyway, he didn’t communicate with his spouse.

Secondly, he is dealing with depression and he doesn’t want to accept this fact. I don’t know whether he is on any medication for depression, but he has been through some major issues in his life that have added extreme weight to his already repressed mood. Please note people, two points here to be made. A) taking medicines is not a “COP OUT” Medicine helps your brain chemistry. Depression is not just a mental thing, it is also a physical thing. You need help in controlling your brain chemistry and that is what the medicines are for. B) just like taking medicine, you need someone to talk to and YOU - the depressed - need to take the initiative to talk. You can’t expect someone else to come and talk to you. If you don’t want to be better, then you aren’t going to get better! Which leads me to the next issue with my “friend”

Thirdly, he is isolating himself. He attends church but hasn’t been in a while. He is mad that others haven’t called him, haven’t come to visit him, haven’t sent him letters or emails. And here is where I come into the mix. I am being blamed for not being caring, for not showing compassion, for not being the kind of person HE thinks I need to be for HIM! I am dealing with my own depression, and my own life flying apart at the seams, I know I can’t deal with everyone else’s, and so how dare HE think I can deal with him. Now, another side note to my friends who ARE reading this. Please don’t think this means I don’t want to hear your problems, because I do! I care for you, I am able to care for you and your problems. I just can’t manage COMPLETE CARE! I think you know what I mean by this. Those of you reading this, understand that there is only so much that I can do. This “friend” who I know will never read this doesn’t seem to understand this single point. He thinks, for good or bad, because he is so centered on himself, that the world rotates around him and no one else. I should be doing everything in my power to comfort and console him first.

Of course this brings me to think about something else. Because I too am dealing with my own depression I have to ask, how many others are also seeing this in me? Because, after all, it tends to be that we hate in others what we hate in ourselves! Am I becoming demanding of others? Am I walking that fine line of demanding care from others FIRST? Am I being a major (*fill in any expletive you want here) jerk with those around me because I am so self centered that I can’t see beyond myself to the outside world and the hurt and pain that everyone else is experiencing?

So, to ask the question of the title of this blog edition, “WHO CARES?” Who should be the one who cares? Who cares for me AND for you? Maybe the answer is “ourselves AND each other” Because we are both independent AND interdependent! And we need each other AND we need ourselves! So, who care? I do! But I can only care so much! If I give all of myself, will there be anything left to give to someone else! So, who will care for me? - Blessings - DL.

BEGINNINGS! (Published with a new title)

So, where do I begin? Well, let me first note that for some time I have been wanting to start a blog. Not necessarily for anyone in particular, but to simply put down “on paper” (or in this case “on screen”) my thoughts and ramblings. Of course, there is the hope and possibility that a friend or two will be made in the process and, who knows, I may touch someone’s life in a positive way that will help them in dealing with all of the struggles and problems that come at humans everyday. Ultimately, however, this blog is for me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t welcome your comments and responses to what I might write. But, I must warn you that if your comments are meant to pick apart my language skills, verbage, spelling, and the like, I will probably ignore it.

So, here I am. I am David, a 45 year old gay minister that struggles with being me. There are many of my friends who accept me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I live in a world that is vehemently against me and all who think, feel, and act like me. It is strange that because I confess that certain men turn me on, I am considered by many to be anathema. And yet, whether or not I pursue a relationship with someone of my gender, I am wrong, no matter what. It is also strange that there are those who think just because I am gay, I want to bed every guy I come across. Like, there are straights who want to bed every girl they come across? How ignorant or egotistical can you be? At any rate, I have live for 45 years with a large portion of those years devoted to hating myself. After all, when society tells you that you are wrong, negative, evil, bad, you loose any self esteem you might have had in the first place.

Now, before you think that I am going to run out and self-terminate, I know better. But the fact remains that I struggle with any sense of positive acceptance. To my friends who are reading this - YES! You give me such wonderful acceptance and love. And I am lucky to have you all as friends. But it doesn’t change the fact that there is still a pervading cloud of denial and rejection that follows me wherever I go. Although you may not think that I know what it is like to live as a subclass citizen, I think I can come pretty close. Maybe that is why I feel the need to decry the wrongs committed against other ethnic groups, the wrong committed against women, the wrongs committed against economically challenged groups, the wrongs committed in the name of patriotism, religion, and anything that upholds the social norms of our world.

Will the world ever change? Will my kind ever be accepted? Who knows! When I do find acceptance, what group will rise to take my place as the group of rejection and condemnation? Above all, what I do know is that I am still here, struggling from day to day trying to make sense of it all. Trying to be gay in a straight world, trying to be accepted in a world full of rejection, trying to find a place in a world filled with “no vacancy” signs. Maybe someday I will understand, I will find meaning and purpose, and all will be at peace. Until then, here I am. I am me!