In writing for posterity there may be some day in the distant future where someone happens upon this Blog and finds an obscure reference. The reference is how strange the idea of being married and gay was. Of course, now days when someone is gay and married it is assumed that they are married to the love of their life and that love is the same gender as they are. For me that wasn’t the case. I am gay and I was married at one time and it was to the love of my life, but the person was Kathleen Evelyn Kerlin. Not at all my same gender, or was she? It could be said that the qualities of Kate (as she liked to be called) that drew me to her was her masculine qualities. And it might also be said that the qualities that drew Kate to me were my feminine qualities, which I have many. I told Kate long before we ever talked about marriage that I was gay. And she told me that she was bisexual. We both struggled with what that meant in our lives since we were both studying to be ministers.
From our friendship and our need to be close to each other we decided that we should be married. We also thought that such an action would make serving as ministers more feasible. And so, I proposed and we got married. It soon became apparent to me, at least from the way I felt, that Kate was my soul-mate. We completed each other's thoughts, we like similar things, and we enjoyed talking to each other. Lots and lots of talking! There were time we would stay up all night talking. It was like we just meshed so well together each person had found the other half of themselves. But, as Geoffrey Chaucer has stated, “All good things must come to an end.” That truism hit me hard when Kate died. Now, I still struggle with being gay and having been married to Kate. We were married for 9 years and 3 days. Not nearly enough time to spend together. But it was enough for us to have that connection.
When I first came out publicly as being gay after Kate’s death, it was assumed by many that I did so because I lost Kate and I no longer wanted to be with females because I hurt so much. Besides that not really making sense to me, it seems wrong on so many levels. What those people seem to forget is that I came out to Kate long before we even thought about marriage. I came out because I was tired of living a lie and I no longer had someone to be my confidant.
Since my coming out, I have met many men who have been married before they accepted their homosexuality. And when the marriage ended in someway, they came out. Of course, this is still difficult for those people who think it is a choice to accept that. The only choice involved is whether or not you are going to be honest with yourself.
So, here I am, 11 years after Kate has died, 20 years after we took the first steps into marriage and I am still struggling with what it means to be gay and to have been married to my soul-mate. I struggle because it seems so odd or strange. I struggle because I am still learning what it means to be gay. I struggle because I am still learning how to live life without a soul-mate. I struggle because it is the natural human condition to struggle.
Again, I come to the end of a Blog with no strong conclusions made, only more questions and more struggles, but that is all part of learning. As always blessings and please comment if you feel guided to. -- David L.
