20150311.003 A LONG TIME IN COMING
Dear Bloggies (Blog friends -- What does one call their blog followers Comments are welcome!), this blog has been a long time in coming (Hence the title – Clever, Don’t you think? LOL!) And, I must apologize ahead of time. This blog isn’t really very short, nor is it going to be humorous. It is, however, much needed from my perspective. You see, this blog is about my latest trip to the hospital. (The funny farm, wacko ranch, whatever you might call it) It is needed because, although I have been trying to journal, it hasn’t been very consistent and it is much easier to sum up what I have been writing instead of invite everyone over to read my journal one by one. Although the later option does have some major pluses to it.
At any rate (by the way, I say this a lot so get used to it), this year my birthday SUCKED! Not because of having a 51st birthday, but because life started unraveling. I claim that it started with an argument with my son, but, in all honesty, it goes farther back than that. Much farther. But my son, bless him, has had much to do with it. The argument is rather silly centering on the fact that I just wanted to share something with my granddaughter, but he thought it was more important to punish his niece instead. That, in its self, is a rather long story, so suffice to say I felt like my authority was challenged and that he owed (owes) me an apology. As I look back on how he reacted and has continued to react, I realize that something else is at play, but I only guesses as to what that is. So, continuing on, one thing lead to another and to another until Monday morning many of you would have read on my Facebook that he rubbed in my face that he didn’t apologize and wasn’t ever going to. That lead to me posting that MAYBE I should just kill myself and that he would like that wouldn’t he. He then jumped to conclusions and claimed that I WAS going to kill myself. (Again, I have my guesses as to why he did that, but the walls have ears, if you know what I mean!) At any rate, I was at a medical clinic when he shows up and says that he is going to take me to ComCare Crisis or he can call the police. So I left and was picked up my the police. Now, at this point all of my threats to self-terminate where just that, threats. I seem to do that when I want people to listen to me and the very ones who should be listening REFUSE! I talked with the people at ComCare Crisis and was released to the care of one of my friends. I stayed with him until the evening of the 20th when I received a text message from Kyell implying that he was going to destroy my stuff. So I had my friend take me back to my son’s trailer and I locked myself in my room.
I woke up, Wednesday morning to Kyell taking the door knob off of the door. His claim was that I was acting like a child so I might as well be treated like a child. That pushed me over the edge. When he left I took 100 Advil. I later woke up to realize that all it did was make me nauseous! Thursday morning I waited until it sounded like Kyell had left, so I tried a belt around my neck. When that didn’t work I tried a rope! I just couldn’t keep it tight enough. And finally I tried a plastic bag! And still couldn’t hold it tight enough. I often complain how I am a failure at everything. Looking back, I guess that self terminating is a good thing to be a failure at. At some point after I gave up on strangulation and I continued to hope that the advil would do something. Kyell came back in and started badgering me again. That is when I confessed that I had just tried to kill myself. Kyell didn’t see his connection in all of it. And said that if I couldn’t get up and get dressed I was being kicked out. That is when I said, “Fine. I am out!” And so I got up, got dressed, and walked out the door never to be ALLOWED back.
My next stop was to ComCare Crisis AGAIN! I went there knowing that, at least, I would have a place to stay. I was transported to Saint Joseph Hospital and then to Good Shepherd. Since I was off my meds, and I wasn’t sure that my meds were even working anyway, considering every thing that had happened, They started me on different meds. I was put on Cymbalta. To aid in my massive dips they added Abilify. And to help in stabilizing me, I was sent to Ossamatomie State Hospital (OSH). Then after OSH, I was put into the care of a friend and then from there came to the friends’ house where I am living now. Through it all, I have experience anger, frustration, immense sadness, hopelessness, and relived grief, pain, rejection, and everything that I have experienced since I was a kid. Now, I know that all of this last part is very vague, but The fact that has held true all of it is that my friends have been more of a family to me than my family has. Is that odd? Possibly! But it seems that “Family by choice” is always stronger than family has every been for me. Blessings all!
