0120102.001 LONG PAST DUE . . .
I sit here at my keyboard wrestling over the purpose and meaning of life, and what this next year holds for me. To say that is a daunting task is an understatement. But it is something I feel I must do. You see, I want answers to many of the “WHY”s of life. Besides the typical questions that I often joke about like “Why do we grow hair in our ears and our butt cracks?” I also want to know “Why am I here?” and “What is my purpose?”
See, I had meaning and purpose when my soul mate was alive. I understood that I needed to take care of her in her illness. I also understood that I was meant to be a minister. But after she died, I felt vacant, lost, and horribly alone. To a certain extent I felt like I was a failure. Because I hadn’t cared for her enough. But to an even greater extent I felt (and still feel) very angry at God for taking her. Now, to those of you who want to argue whether or not God took her, that isn’t the point. The point is that I FEEL THIS WAY. (PERCEPTION can be TRUTH at times.)
Then I went crazy! That is, I had my nervous breakdown. Yes! Some of it was because of grief, some of it was because of my struggled with coming out as gay, and some of it was still based on how I have never really felt like God talked to me (Except through Kate - my soul mate, or my dreams which stopped back in high school) Here I was, “supposedly” a man of God seeking to guide the people at the church where I served, to share the message of the Gospel as I understand it, and to try and right injustice, and I felt totally lost and separated from the Divine. And, to add to that, everyone seemed to be judging me based on what I did or didn’t do. (Remember perception again) Life had stopped being about “BEING” and was all about “DOING” I had had enough! I couldn’t take it anymore and I had started trying to think of ways to kill myself to get rid of the pain of failure, the pain of grief, the pain of silence, and to force pain on those people who I felt judgement from. (Read my blog: http://tyedyegye.blogspot.com/2010/10/20101027016-act-of-desperation-act-of.html to understand more)
I didn’t go through with any of the planning because a friend drove me to the hospital where I was admitted and received help...(somewhat at least) I started this blog with the “success” quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson because there is something about it that just grabs me. Of course, it grabs many people. And those who claim success, will quote it right and left, over and over as if it is really how they got to the point of success in life. But for me, I don’t want that point. I want to know and understand what is behind that point. in other words, I want to know how to rise up and surpass the feeling of failure that the world (and those in it) dump upon you. I want to know how to see yourself as a created being of the Divine without having to rely on the opinion of anyone else. I want to understand how to simply “BE” and be happy in “BEING” without having to “DO” anything! To me that is what sits behind that quote from Emerson. Yes! What he lists are signs of someone who has achieved success, but they are not the path TO success. If they were, then all we would need to do is to fulfill those items as if marking progress on a check list. And I am still firmly convinced that success is about “BEING” NOT “DOING!”
So, here I am. It is 2012. I still struggle with grief and loss at the death of my soul-mate. I still struggle with being gay! I still struggle with being a man of God and not receiving any kind of guidance from the “BIG GUY UPSTAIRS” I still struggle with seeking acceptance from others. I still struggle with the pain from others condemning and judging me. I stil struggle with BEING ME! I think it is LONG PAST DUE! I think it is time to move one. But, just as a car stalled and sitting on the side of the road unable to get to its destination, I sit here puzzled with no answers and still lots and lots of questions. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. (However, PLEASE DON’T CONDEMN OR JUDGE ME! I have had enough of that!) - Blessings to you all! - David L.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. - RALPH WALDO EMERSON”
I sit here at my keyboard wrestling over the purpose and meaning of life, and what this next year holds for me. To say that is a daunting task is an understatement. But it is something I feel I must do. You see, I want answers to many of the “WHY”s of life. Besides the typical questions that I often joke about like “Why do we grow hair in our ears and our butt cracks?” I also want to know “Why am I here?” and “What is my purpose?”
See, I had meaning and purpose when my soul mate was alive. I understood that I needed to take care of her in her illness. I also understood that I was meant to be a minister. But after she died, I felt vacant, lost, and horribly alone. To a certain extent I felt like I was a failure. Because I hadn’t cared for her enough. But to an even greater extent I felt (and still feel) very angry at God for taking her. Now, to those of you who want to argue whether or not God took her, that isn’t the point. The point is that I FEEL THIS WAY. (PERCEPTION can be TRUTH at times.)
Then I went crazy! That is, I had my nervous breakdown. Yes! Some of it was because of grief, some of it was because of my struggled with coming out as gay, and some of it was still based on how I have never really felt like God talked to me (Except through Kate - my soul mate, or my dreams which stopped back in high school) Here I was, “supposedly” a man of God seeking to guide the people at the church where I served, to share the message of the Gospel as I understand it, and to try and right injustice, and I felt totally lost and separated from the Divine. And, to add to that, everyone seemed to be judging me based on what I did or didn’t do. (Remember perception again) Life had stopped being about “BEING” and was all about “DOING” I had had enough! I couldn’t take it anymore and I had started trying to think of ways to kill myself to get rid of the pain of failure, the pain of grief, the pain of silence, and to force pain on those people who I felt judgement from. (Read my blog: http://tyedyegye.blogspot.com/2010/10/20101027016-act-of-desperation-act-of.html to understand more)
I didn’t go through with any of the planning because a friend drove me to the hospital where I was admitted and received help...(somewhat at least) I started this blog with the “success” quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson because there is something about it that just grabs me. Of course, it grabs many people. And those who claim success, will quote it right and left, over and over as if it is really how they got to the point of success in life. But for me, I don’t want that point. I want to know and understand what is behind that point. in other words, I want to know how to rise up and surpass the feeling of failure that the world (and those in it) dump upon you. I want to know how to see yourself as a created being of the Divine without having to rely on the opinion of anyone else. I want to understand how to simply “BE” and be happy in “BEING” without having to “DO” anything! To me that is what sits behind that quote from Emerson. Yes! What he lists are signs of someone who has achieved success, but they are not the path TO success. If they were, then all we would need to do is to fulfill those items as if marking progress on a check list. And I am still firmly convinced that success is about “BEING” NOT “DOING!”
So, here I am. It is 2012. I still struggle with grief and loss at the death of my soul-mate. I still struggle with being gay! I still struggle with being a man of God and not receiving any kind of guidance from the “BIG GUY UPSTAIRS” I still struggle with seeking acceptance from others. I still struggle with the pain from others condemning and judging me. I stil struggle with BEING ME! I think it is LONG PAST DUE! I think it is time to move one. But, just as a car stalled and sitting on the side of the road unable to get to its destination, I sit here puzzled with no answers and still lots and lots of questions. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. (However, PLEASE DON’T CONDEMN OR JUDGE ME! I have had enough of that!) - Blessings to you all! - David L.
