20110918.007 . . . ON BEING STRONGER

20110918.007  . . . ON BEING STRONGER

You know how it is. One email turns into a conversation, a discussion, or even an argument. The latter is what happened. My friend sent me something to proof read. I need to note here that this friend is a stickler for spelling and would have given Noah Webster a run for his money. And so, it was rather strange that she was sending me the item to proof read. I found one small mistake and responded to her with the correction. It went down hill from there. She took that as a frontal assault and began the response email that began the argument. The end result was when she said that all of the criticism, all of the past attacks, and all of the snipping and perceived back biting was because she felt I needed to be stronger. To add even more insult to what she had already heaped on me, she then noted that one of the people who I have felt personally attacked by, also thought I should have been a stronger person. WOW!

Here I am, a gay man trying to figure out how to be open and honest about who I am as a person, trying to deal with the grief of passing of my soul-mate, trying to deal with all the crap that life keeps dumping on me and she has the nerve to tell me to be stronger? I have survived my soul-mate's death, all the while wanting to die myself because it would make the horrid pain go away, being taken to a mental hospital because my anti-depressants had stopped working (the nurses were amazed that I hadn't attempted suicide already), also trying to figure out if I needed to come out of the closet as an openly gay minister, and furthermore trying to figure out what my purpose in life is supposed to be after everything had gone to hell in a hand bag, and she thinks that I am not strong enough, that she needs to heap more condemnation and judgment on me, all because I am not strong enough in her eyes. All I can say to that is “FUCK YOU BITCH! GET A CLUE!”

First off, what gives you the right to determine that I don't meet your standards of strength and that your concept of what is proper strength is correct in the first place? If being strong means being the bitter nagging woman that you are, no thanks! I would rather be the weakest of the weak. If being strong means being the woman who is two-faced and hypocritically sides with which ever “side” seems to be the strongest of the time, again, I have to say “no thank you”, because such actions are evil!

What amazes me is that when I started actually showing some backbone, after I was criticized by another friend for basically being spineless and walking away from all of my battles, when I stood up for who I was, and what I believed, This friend saw me as “NOT STRONG ENOUGH!” Maybe, your problem isn't that I am not strong enough, but that you don't like the strength I have shown! Maybe you are realizing that I am not going to back down any longer, that I am going to tell you what I think and feel because you are always (and I mean in all ways) nit picking about every little minutia of perceived problems in my life. Maybe you need to stop trying to control the lives of everyone else around you and start trying to figure out what it is about your own life that you don't like, that makes you the cranky nagging bitch that you are!

Now, having said all of that, or rather typed all of that, will any of this diatribe do any good? Well, it won't affect the person of whom I speak because that person doesn't even read this BLOG! And, even if they did read it, I know they wouldn't change their whole life because I have my panties in a wad over how they treat me? But, it sure does make me feel better! I feel vindicated! I feel that I have finally lashed out and set things in order! And who knows, maybe, just maybe, in writing this I can empty myself of the anger this person stirred in me and I can move on! Because, when push comes to shove, she is NOT worth harboring all of that anger over. Enough said! Good night!